Strange Changes on T

[ferretinafez]

Hey there, I'm pretty new here but I've used this forum to do a little research before so I figured this would be the best place to pose a question. I'm FtM and have lived as male for around five years now. I started T a little over two years ago and recently had Top surgery, the results of which I am more than pleased about. Things have gone pretty smooth on T, I had a little trouble adjusting at first because I had some mood swings and generally got pretty grumpy for the first few months but that seemed to settle down after a year. Physically the changes were as expected and my voice got a lot deeper but there's something that's been troubling me for a while that I can't seem to find any mention of. Since I started T it has gotten harder and harder to write creatively. Which is a massive blow to me because writing has been one of my greatest passions since I was a little kid. I've had poems published and had intended to write a novel and even though I can still do it, it's a real struggle. The technical ability is still there but it seems very forced and takes huge concentration. Where before I could spend whole days writing and get lost in the story, now I find myself losing concentration and taking hours to write just a few short paragraphs. I'm guessing this is a concentration thing because when I have had to write a piece of fiction for a deadline I have managed it with good results but it has taken right up to the last minute to get it down. It's like I'm physically having to push my mind into gear whereas before I could just pick up a pen or sit at my keyboard and the words would just... happen. I've lost quite a bit of interest in art too, something I used to do every day. It's gotten incredibly frustrating recently, not to mention a little worrying.  It worries me because writing has always been a huge part of who I am... without it I feel pretty lost and bored. It hasn't been sudden but it is very apparent that it began after starting T. Realistically, it could be a mix of things- I just finished my first year of uni, my Mum developed a disability just as I began transitioning and has been undergoing therapy ever since and I've had a few problems concerning other relatives so I guess it's only normal to be a little frustrated and stressed but it seems that this started so close to starting T that it must be having some impact on it.
Has anyone else found something similar has happened to them? Is this really down to concentration or am I... loosing creativity? Is that even possible? Anyone got any advice? I'd really appreciate anything you have to offer.

[fatalerror]

Actually, yes. I was working on a comic script and my lack of time is definitely a part of it but I just can't think in terms of story anymore. I can still draw just fine but the concentration for writing actual substance is gone. Would love to hear from others with this experience too.

[devention]

Fez, with ask that going on, I suspect you're a bit distracted and maybe feeling a little depressed? I know when my depression was uncontrolled I had a lot of problems setting myself down and actually working on creative ventures. I dint think it's the T; it's probably just distractions niggling at you while you're trying to work. Talk to your doctor or a therapist if you can.

[Declan.]

I have some creativity issues once in a while. In my case, it's because my depression isn't as severe, so my need for a creative outlet isn't as intense. The same thing would happen if my depression eased up due to a dietary change or exercise.

[Ayden]

My creativity went the opposite direction and I am far better at writing than I've ever been. It could be stress.

[Taka]

stress could be preventing you. or happiness could be killing your creativity.
i think i heard or read somewhere that depressed people often are more creative, or maybe it was that creative people are more often depressed...?
there is an interesting link there which hasn't really been studied enough.

try dealing with stress first. see your writing as a job, like my brother does. maybe it helps.
he will sit down in the morning to write, take a break for some exercise and lunch, then write again.
how much he's able to write every day varies, but he gets things done in the end, or before the deadline.

maybe what you need is a deadline?

try different things. t might have changed how your brains works or which ways your thoughts go, but if you love writing, you'll find out how to do it. maybe you just have to change methods for it to work.

[Tysilio]

I've heard some people talk about having "brain fog" for a while after starting on T. It does, apparently, improve after a while. It sort of makes sense -- when you think about the massive emotional changes many of us experience, it's clear the brain is taking a hell of a wallop and might well take some time to adapt.

Small comfort, I know, while it's happening... but it will likely improve over time.

[ferretinafez]

Thanks guys, your replies have really helped. 'Brain fog' is such a great way to describe how it feels because I know exactly what I want to write and what shape I want a story to take but I just don't see how to get there- there's too much fog in the way.
I can see how feeling happy could put a damper on my creativity too- I've had that happen before. Back when I was 13 and just beginning to acknowledge myself as being trans I got very depressed. It went unchecked for a long time because everyone assumed I was just a moody teen but later it became apparent it had been more than that. During that time I first got into poetry and could hardly bring myself to put a pen down.Later, when I finally came to terms with everything and was actually happy, I couldn't write poetry in the same way. But I was ok with that- it had been a coping mechanism and I didn't need it anymore. This feels very different though.
Trying to approach writing in a different way might be a good way forward though. Maybe I need to re-teach myself? I've certainly had to with other things- just having a conversation when I first started T felt like a huge task to undertake.
Giving myself a deadline might not be a bad idea... I might give that one a go.
I'm glad to know I'm not the only one experiencing something like this!

[EchelonHunt]

Art and writing had been a coping mechanism for me as well. It was a way to express my inner struggles and I managed to do it a little too well! The more depressed I was, the more I relied on artwork and manifesting my emotions through my written characters.

Since going on T, like yourself, my creative streak has taken a huge hit. In fact, the past two years I have done less drawings/writings than I have ever done in all the years of my life. I used to call it art-block but it was much more than that, I had no motivation or inspiration to do drawing or writing - ever again... Terrifying! Your thread made me realize it was because I was happy, having fun living my life, being social and making future plans. I have been finding small ways to find fun in my hobbies again but for different reasons. Instead of drawing or writing, I will focus on a different craft (costumes/making props) or something else entirely such as (hoping to do) YouTube videos which can involve creativity in terms of editing.

[FTMKyle]

Your post seemed so familiar I thought I wrote it. LOL

I go through creativity droughts. I never made the connection to T however. It seems that I experience a great lack of interest and concentration when I am depressed. The odd part is, writing helps pull me out of that depression, so I guess writing is kind of vital for my happiness. Sometimes I will stumble across a really good book that I just can't put down, and I get excited about writing again. 

[Gothic Dandy]

For what it's worth, I've had that exact situation happen and it was completely unrelated to any type of gender transition. It did come at a time when I was stressed and was having some major life alterations, though. I've never been able to get the creative flame back to quite the same level.