FtMs with straight husbands - what are your experiences?

[adrian]

I currently suffer massive anxiety over how my newly discovered transness and my possible wish to transition is going to affect my marriage to my cis, straight husband.

Are there any FtMs out there who managed to navigate their transition without losing their husband? How did you do it? What were/are the issues you dealt with?

I think one of our biggest issues will probably be the fact that my husband does not communicate his feelings. Ever. He also doesn't asks questions about such things. I want to involve him in the process of figuring out where this journey will take him and me, but it seems as if he doesn't want an active role in this. He twice said something to the effect that I have to figure out what I want first before he can make up his mind whether he could live with this or not. I don't think it's going to work like that.

I'm also so hurt about the fact that apparently my gender is so important that he cannot separate this from the person underneath How did you get past this, if you did?

[Bimmer Guy]

There are several FTMs on here with straight husbands.  I know that there was a thread recently on it.  I went back 12 pages, but couldn't find it.  Maybe someone else will know the title or you can do a search.  Hopefully, some guys will jump in here with their experience. 

[h3llsb3lls]

Hi! I am only in the beginning stages of transition, with my straight husband of 3 years. He describes himself as straight, though I always felt he was more like 90 percent straight, but that's really neither here or there. I can honestly say, you wont make it through with out an abundance of open, honest, and sometimes uncomfortable conversation. If he wont talk to you, you may want to find a therapist who is well versed in this and not transphobic. I know me and my husband are stronger because of going through this hand in hand!

[dalebert]

If he truly is straight, then he can't help what he's physically attracted to, i.e. women. I'm speaking from the POV of someone with a very firmly defined sexual orientation myself, i.e. gay. I'm ONLY attracted to men. I actually dated a guy who wanted to transition and I broke it off, though we remained friends, because my orientation is very distinctly homosexual. If it wasn't, I would just live my life dating women because it would have been so much easier. I think you have to decide what you are going to do as far as transition based on the idea that it may not include him as your husband any more. So that means deciding how important transition is to you. If it's important to your emotional well-being, then you may decide to move forward with or without him as your husband. It's not fair to judge him for choosing to leave the relationship when the dynamics of the relationship have changed so dramatically from what he entered into. Some people are bisexual or pansexual but many more people have a specific sexual orientation and we need to respect that even if we don't personally completely understand it. That doesn't mean the relationship won't continue as before but it remains a distinct possibility that must be considered seriously.

I hope I said that tactfully enough. I feel like it needs to be said however unpleasant. And I wish you everything positive as you work through it.

[aleon515]

There are some who are allegedly straight. I think that perhaps some of them find that their orientation is more fluid than they might have thought. I think there is more fluidity in sexual orientation (and gender but we aren't talking about that one) than people often think. But completely straight as an arrow, and always will be straight, not going to happen.  You're going to get hairy and smell differently and so forth, and completely straight guys aren't going to want that one. (But then again, you wouldn't know which you had.)

--Jay

[spacerace]

I have been in the same relationship with a straight guy for 11 years, with random interruptions where we still lived together as I was figuring out what was going on with myself as a person.  He rejected the idea of staying together completely at first. I never in a million years would have thought he would do the 180 turn he did with my transition.

Here is my advice. Be very, very patient. Go slow. And be forgiving if he doesn't come around right away. I had trouble with that last part, but got some good advice and was able to get over it, as my partner was the most transphobic jerk possible when I first came out to him.

Be willing to make compromises. For example, I shave every few days when I could have some real facial hair, as he requested some time to get used to it.

One final thing to consider: the other people in his life, how they react and how much he cares what they think will matter a lot. Also, his own self confidence and sense of self will matter.  When you are with someone and you transition, they take on a bit of the social rejection and outright social disgust from some people that we experience ourselves. It takes a lot of strength to get through this as a person.

Is he gay now because he respects my boundaries and does not treat me female in any way? He jokes and says he is now partially gay. Honestly, I think all of this is further evidence that labels and boxes really just make things more complicated.

You have to remember there will be other hurdles. For example, he started a new job. Does he call me my new male name when people ask him about his life? Then they will think he is really truly 100% gay, which means that it is my identity that is defining his identity, which really isn't fair to him. I actually feel really bad about this part, but he has been great about it, and says he does not care at all what they think.

Sometimes it feels disjointed, like we are unfamiliar with each other in weird ways, but it is still natural and we love each other more than ever.

[pianoforte]

I'm going through a similar process with my partner.

He is trying to stick by me and talk things through with me about the whole process. We've talked about names I might choose, and the things that I feel are non-binary in my identity and the things that I feel are male.

He'd probably be pretty grossed out by kissing me if I grew a full beard. There might be a concession to make, there.

He says, "once you are in love with someone, that doesn't go away just because their gender isn't what you thought it was."

Sexual attraction might go away, or ability to feel completely 100% in a relationship...

We've talked about various solutions including compromise, polyamory, and couples counseling.

He worries about homophobic hate crimes.

As you can see there's a lot of back and forth. Huge emphasis on communication. I was ready to break up with him just so he wouldn't have to deal with this but it was so much easier to come out and talk to him about it. I was surprised how easy it was. There were hurdles where he didn't understand ("but you weren't a guy when we met 5 years ago? or even 5 months ago? why change?") or said something insensitive ("are you sure?"). But we're working through it as much as possible.

I'd also check in with the MTF side if I were you -- there are a lot who are married with straight (or formerly-straight) wives. Despite a lot of differences in terms of what transition looks like for MTF/FTM, there are a lot of similarities in their experiences with relationships. Many of the women on that side of things have a lot of wisdom to share, both in stories about staying together, and in stories of marriages that have ended.

[adrian]

Thank you for your encouraging and honest words! It gives some perspective to our situation and it gives me hope that maybe we do stand a chance.

We've been together for 14 years and if I'm honest sex isn't one of the pillars of our relationship. That's why I'm still hoping that we'll come around. I have to keep in mind though that sexual orientation plays a big part in how we define our identity and that even though there isn't actually a lot of sex in our relationship, it's something affecting my husband.

The social aspect strikes me as a huge problem, but I'm not sure it's the worst thing for him. He normally doesn't care what others think of him. But all I'm doing is speculate about his feelings and thoughts - because he isn't capable of speaking them. In our first conversation he suggested for us to go see my therapist together. I'm hoping that maybe we can get the ball rolling like this somehow.

Yes, after my initial euphoria I have understood that I need to take things slowly. One thing I'll do quickly is come out to a few more people - friends who also matter in my life and who I believe have a right to know what has been going on with me. I told my husband that and he didn't object, so I'm going ahead with that.

Thank you, again, for sharing your thoughts and stories with me. It helps me immensely!

[katiej]

My one piece of advice is to remember that you've had years to come to terms with who you are.  And it probably took a long time to accept yourself.  But this is brand new to him.  So be patient...give him time to process.

Otherwise, I can't really give much advice on how to stay married to him.  I'm MTF and going through this process with my wife...a very different proposition.  But I was really encouraged recently when I found a recent study that shows that about half of all relationships do survive transition.  And 60% of FTM's did stay with their SO through transition.  Conventional thinking is that transition is a death sentence for relationships.  Apparently it's not true.

[adrian]

Thank you for your comment and the link, katiej I had meant to look at that study before, so I'll definitely check it out.

I only just figured out I'm trans for myself, so I have a very small head start. I've been coping with all kinds of mysterious (psychosomatic, I now assume) health problems for a few years and he always stood by me through all of this. I think the cause may have been my repressed gender identity, and he deserved to know that (even though I think he had rather not heard this news ).

[stephaniec]

I've never been married so I can't help. I just hope the best for you and your partner.

[Bunter]

I have a friend who has been married for about 15 years before transitioning, and the marriage still goes strong. They have a better sex life now The partner doesn't mind being seen as gay, though he needed some time to adjust (at least 1-2 years).
The same is true for another couple who was together for about 3 years before the transition. Both couples are living a places where being gay is not a big deal, and the partners had gay friends before the transition.

I have known three other trans men in a similar situation where their partners had a huge problem and the relationships suffered. I think the factor was always that the partner had a problem with homosexuality in general, or with being seen as gay, or he demanded that his partner should look very feminine. In such cases I don't think there is much hope.
So it really depends on the person.

[Julia-Madrid]

Is he gay now because he respects my boundaries and does not treat me female in any way? He jokes and says he is now partially gay. Honestly, I think all of this is further evidence that labels and boxes really just make things more complicated.

Sometimes it feels disjointed, like we are unfamiliar with each other in weird ways, but it is still natural and we love each other more than ever.

I think this is so very relevant!  The labels are totally unnecessary if we have the strength to overcome them and not care how other people try to label us. 

Also, when love is involved, it makes a massive difference.  People show a lot more fluidity than we expect, especially when there  are years of accumulated shared lives as well as love.

J

[adrian]

Thank you for your thoughts on this. I appreciate them very much.

Having had another talk with my husband today I really don't see how it could possibly work out. But I guess I'm not giving up just yet.

[Mitchell the Deathbell]

I am going through a similar situation; however, I'm not married to him yet. We're engaged.
My fiance was always well aware that I was different than the other "girls." I didn't fit into the typical
female spectrum, and that's what set me apart from the others.

When I came out to him as a transgender male not too long ago (officially during the Summer of this year) it still presented
a little shock, despite my masculinity that I already had building up over the years. We've fought
about me being trans a lot, sometimes it seemed like that was going to be the end of us. He
let me know straight up (no pun intended) that he isn't gay and he doesn't want to be married
to a man, doesn't want his kids to have two dads, and doesn't want to introduce me by anything
other than his "lovely wife."

It hurt. It hurt quite a lot. I didn't give up, though... He eventually apologized for being so blunt
about all those things. He said what I want to be, how I want to dress, and how I want our kids
to address me is up to me, not him. I appreciated his change of heart, but lately I've been thinking
that he was just being superficial. Or maybe he just felt guilty for his point of view.

I thought he had a change of heart, but he still feels the same way... and I can't change that. He didn't
fall in love with a man, or at least he didn't fall in love with the man I know I am. And no matter
how many times he gets my pronouns right, and helps me figure out little things about myself, he'll
never fully accept me in his heart as a man.

He detests talking about me going to a gender therapist, or getting on T, or possible surgery. He says he
doesn't want to me to end up hurting myself with all of it and ruining my body. There's one thing he said
to me though that may be the barrier that keeps me from transitioning any further. He said he won't let
me take away the chance of having our own children. If I get on T, I can't predict if that will eliminate my chances
of becoming pregnant in my later life.

He'll always love me, but it won't be the same. It won't ever be the same again. Sometimes I regret coming
out to him, I feel selfish that I'm trying to find happiness in the darkness of my life right now at the expense
of him. I have to stop and think about how everything I say and do regarding me being trans affects him.

I always see it like this: If I fully transition (T, surgery) I'll be happy, but he won't be. If I don't transition, I
won't be happy, but he will be deep down. One of us will win and the other will lose. I hate to see it like that...
We've tried coming up with a compromise, but there was nothing. One of us is just going to have to lose.

Apologies for the story of my life
I wish I could give better advice, but I'm pretty much in a bad situation as well. All I can do is pray for us all and hope
a miracle happens, because I have no idea what to do or how to solve this.

Best of wishes.

[adrian]

Mitchell, I'm sorry you're going through this as well. I'm trying to tell myself "one step at a time", but the tiniest steps already seem to cause so much damage, it's very draining. I really hope things will turn out well for you!

I guess I might just as well post an update. After not talking about "it" for weeks after coming out to him, we had a session with a counselor. That didn't go badly, and I was a bit more hopeful just afterwards. But I think my husband is only just beginning to realize what all of this means. We talked about the effects of hormones yesterday. He will not live in a "man-man relationship" were his words. He's also pushing me to talk to my parents.

My emotions are running amok, I'm at that point again where I'm considering "sacrificing" myself for the sake of our relationship. I keep thinking "maybe I can buy us a few more happy years", but I know at the same time that's not going to work.

I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, hopefully he can help me to get my bearings again.

[Julia-Madrid]

My emotions are running amok, I'm at that point again where I'm considering "sacrificing" myself for the sake of our relationship. I keep thinking "maybe I can buy us a few more happy years", but I know at the same time that's not going to work.

I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, hopefully he can help me to get my bearings again.

Oh, this is so very difficult, I really feel for you.  But Adrian, you actually already have the answers, don't you, in the first line I quote from you.

It's terrible when you know that the only way for you to survive is by breaking something you hold dear.  You're in your late 30's or early 40s, right?  Well, there's a huge amount of living still ahead of you, and you owe it to yourself to pursue the self-realisation that your earlier posts say you need very much.   

Take it slowly.  Breathe.  Regardless of what happens next, you're going to need to be very emotionally strong.  If you haven't already done so, I propose that you draw up a plan where you analyse two or three future scenarios in detail (it's a very male thing to do, yeah) so that you can understand very clearly the social, professional and emotional consequences of each scenario.

Hugs!
Julia

[adrian]

Julia, thank you so much! Drawing out the scenarios is a good idea. They are already playing on repeat in my head, but spelling them out (and getting them out of there in the process) is going to be helpful. Maybe this is also something that'll make communication with my husband easier.

[Julia-Madrid]

Adrian, if I can help in any way, please consider it, right through to taking this offline into private emails. 

I went through something very similar with my relationship, where my partner could not consider any change to the status quo.  There you are, with an enviable lifestyle, a relationship that's not bad, a comfortable home, and a personal problem that you have to deal with before it drives you crazy.  I cared for her deeply, and miss her still, but I could not saccrifice myself in order for her to remain comfortable.  There are times when it's no longer possible to have ones' cake and eat it, and that applies to both people in the relationship.

Best regards!
Julia

[Gothic Dandy]

Mitchell: My husband is just like yours, down to the "but I don't want you to hurt yourself/regret it" bit. In a way it's sad, because I know he's facing the loss of his lovely wife if he doesn't manage to convince me that I'm completely wrong about myself. He says he's losing the person he fell in love with; I told him I'm still right here, and always will be.

He's not even 100% cisgender. I expected him to understand. Instead, he tells me in so many words that he's more trans than I am, yet he still accepts his male body as a part of his identity despite that. I told him everyone is different.

Adrian: I think all of us here are right in that somebody is going to lose something. Either you have to make a sacrifice or he'll have to settle for his loss. It's up to you guys to decide which is the least awful (depending on how bad your dysphoria is, how badly you want to stay together, etc.)

So far, because I'm just starting my transition, my husband and I have come to an agreement that we'll stay together until he can't stand the changes in me. We decided this is best for the sake of our daughter, to stay together for as long as possible. I can't stand the thought of denying who I am any longer, and don't want to remain trapped in a situation in which this is something I'm expected to sacrifice. Certainly many sacrifices are made in marriage, but I'm not willing to make one this huge. So I feel like it's pretty much over between us, and we'll eventually split up, but we still have a few years to spend as a couple.

One other thing for Mitchell: there have been pregnant transmen before, you just have to stop taking testosterone before and during the pregnancy. One of them became famous for it. His name is Thomas Beatie if you want to look up more about him.