Need outside perspective on what my therapist said

[Gothic Dandy]

as soon as you're being evaluated as a person, your true gender will stop mattering.

Wise words. Thank you.

i don't really know how i can possibly test people by being me.
testing is more like asking "what if", just to try to find out if they would accept me if i were to come out to them.

Oh...that must be what he thought I meant!

He's the one who asked me what I expected to happen, or why I wanted to present myself a certain way. I didn't just volunteer that information to justify my desire for top surgery. What kind of person would get irreversible surgery just to find out "what if" or "how will they perceive me"? He thinks I'm that person? :/

He really doesn't sound suited to my needs the more I talk about him in this thread. This was only the third time I've seen him. But I really like him! GAH.

[Taka]

have a serious talk with him about this. either he understands you, or you'll have problems working with him. having a long good talk about your reasons for wanting this or that change, can help you find better answers that make you feel more secure about your own decisions.

i have no desire to test people, but i really want to be myself fully and wholly, and present myself as no more and no less to other people.
i want top surgery. the more i think about it, the less it seems to be a matter of passing. what i want is to get rid of body parts that i have problems identifying with, and give me more discomfort than pleasure. wanting a deeper voice and narrower hips almost only have to do with passing. i want to be able to present male when i feel like it, and i want people to believe me when i do.

thinking things through properly is a good thing to do. finding the reasons why, rather than just acting on a feeling of wrongness, will make any feeling that you need to justify your choices disappear. all you need to do is explain, if you feel like it. and if you don't feel like it, your gender identity is more than enough reason for you to present the way you do. other people don't need to know why it's good enough reason, as long as it's obvious that you know it is. there is a whole lot of confidence in knowing.

[SorchaC]

Many interesting thoughts here, I always found that when a therapist asked a strange question it's because something I've said or done has either confused him/her or they think I'm confused about why I do it so they ask me a question to either help me understand why I do things or them to understand me. As that was only your 3rd meeting maybe he doesn't quite understand your motives and wants to better understand you so he can help you better. May sound weird that a therapist doesn't understand but as many have said the number of ways in which people identify their gender that exist it's highly likely that he's never met anyone like you before but I doubt he'd ever admit it

Whether this is a good reason to get a new therapist is something you can decide for yourself. He may well have said you're not transgendered simply to see what reaction he got. Almost like saying prove it. It may sound rather confrontational but it is also a way to truly see how much you believe you are. I'm not sure he would have lasted long as my therapist because I doubt he'd have liked the answers he got from me but he may genuinely believe by making you work for it you will best find the answers you seek.

Hope this was understandable and in some way helpful

Sorcha

[Gothic Dandy]

Thanks for the input, Sorcha

I do have an update for everyone...

I took notes from this thread and brought them into my next session. He seemed to take my answer well, saying it made sense to him and he could appreciate how I felt.

I loved our next session because regardless of whatever he thinks I am (he accepts that I'm genderfluid), he encouraged me to take steps to uncover this masculine side of myself through binding, crossdressing, and general exploration. In his words, I give confusing explanations as to what I am because I myself am still uncovering just what that is, and that part of me just needs to be experienced before it can be explained. I think there is some truth to that, but it's more that I know what I am, and just don't have the right words for it!

I felt very well-received. It was great. Also, my next homework involves PINTEREST. Sorry, I'm an artist. Haha.

Anyway, the homework assignment is so great I think some of you could benefit from doing a similar thing. I've been tasked with creating a board full of things that embody the masculinity I want to bring forth. I've got photos of men I relate to, clothes, songs, and a few quotes and interior design photos.

Thanks again to EVERYONE for your help, even if I didn't reply to you personally. I took every word in.