With so many terms n such out there I am at a loss n it is really working on me. Not only as to how to explain myself but also as to where to go from here. I'm hoping someone on here may be able to give some thoughts or ideas that may help point me in a direction.
I'm 47 and bio female. All my life I have felt a kind of disconnect from my actual body. Especialy when it came to anything sexual. I got little to no pleasure from "normal sex" almost like I was watching someone elsr rather than participating. I do have a healthy libido n have no problem taking things in hand mysef tho.
From an early age I "played" femme, heels, mini skirts, makeup. I was also a bit loose in college n after trying to make myself fit the role. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 15 years n even w 2 pregnencies there was still the feeling that it was someone else not me. Over the years the femme died out n it became more tees n jeans, no makeup not really giving a ->-bleeped-<- about appearance at all.
The one thing I know for sure is that the brain is male. But with the body disconnect, n no exposure to the trans community or issues I never really thought more beyond that. A year n a half ago I left my marriage n moved to an area that offers more lgbt opportunities. I became exposed to trans n gender issues n originally I'd'd as gender queer. It seems to be evolving into more of a mind body mismatch. I hate my boobs, am ambivolent to the femme bits but the brain is identifying more as male. Hearing someone call me mam at work makes me nuts.
My main issue is I doubt that I could ever pass. I'm 5'1" heavy n all hip n ass. So what do I do. I'm not happy like this but I doubt I could ever be taken seriously as a guy. My SO (lond distance relationship) is male n knows the situation. He fell in love w the male me online n accepts the person I am. He is trying to learn n help n accepts Patrick fully. Never misgendersn is so sweet.
I like the guy hate the woman. So how do I proceed? Any thoughts appreciated
