unexpected new data on relationships

[blueconstancy]

I was stunned to discover that the survey currently considered the gold standard in trans research, "Injustice at Every Turn," which was conducted by The National Center for Transgender Equality and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force (and which surveyed 6,450 Americans who were transgender or non-gender conforming) actually does address the outcomes for marriages and relationships. And, shockingly, contrary to the accepted wisdom, only 45% of people reported that their relationship ended due to coming out or gender non-conformity. Among those who actually went on to transition, the rate is 55%. (Not all of the remainder stayed together, but in those cases the respondents reported that their relationships ended for other reasons unrelated to transition. I searched the original study report in case the "stayed long term" was broken out from "left for other reasons," but couldn't find it.) There are some more specific breakdowns by age, employment data, and children in the actual report : http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/reports/reports/ntds_full.pdf

Although 55% overall is not fantastic odds, it still flies in the face of the regular claims that relationships "never" survive or that it's incredibly rare. We're the majority. And I wonder how much of this is a self-fulfilling prophecy - how many more partners would stick around if they weren't surrounded by cis people telling them to flee and trans people insisting that it's hopeless and they should give up. Those of us who stay are often stubborn and determined to fly in the face of conventional wisdom; the tragic part is that that conventional wisdom is WRONG.

Of course, as I've been saying all along, odds are not destiny, either - if you're both still in love and want to make it work, there's always a chance.

[helen2010]

This is interesting and encouraging. Even though our relationship has survived (so far) I thought that we were in the minority rather than in the majority.  Good to hear positive news.

Safe travels

Aisla

[blueconstancy]

Aisla : I hear that a lot - that people are doing fine together but assume they're the minority. This data actually makes sense of why I run across so very many "exceptions."

[Taka]

i kind of assumed the results of that study, as most of the people i hear talking about a wife or husband on these boards, are still staying with them. or that was my own impression at least.

so there's a 50/50 chance that it might work out. that's like tossing a coin, not the worst bet you'll ever make.

[OlderTG]

I am preparing myself for telling my wife of 26 years that I am transgender and have only discovered this within the last month. My plan is to talk with her tomorrow evening. After an initial burst of positive feelings on discovering who I really am, I've been worried, doubting, and more worried about what will happen between my wife and I.
Of course as they say, "individual results may vary," I find the research you've mentioned at the very least hopeful to me. My wife and I have had several rough times through the years but our relationship has improved dramatically and we've even spoken about that recently.
It isn't even a matter of courage in telling her, but a matter of necessity. That will be the driving force for me, but your post has buoyed my spirits somewhat. Thanks for posting this and thanks to whatever caused me to read this post at this time! I think it may even give my wife some hope that we can maintain a relationship.

[blueconstancy]

Taka : I saw the same in my own experience, and then started wondering why the commonly accepted assumption is that "almost no marriages survive." I figured my experience was unusual, but I'm delighted to find out the naysayers and pessimists who talked to me were *wrong.* Also, supposedly the general cis population's divorce rate is around 40-50%; there are issues with how that's calculated, but if it's even roughly true, a trans person's odds aren't much worse.

OlderTG : Good luck!! You can read back through my posts for suggestions on how to come out to an SO, but my biggest recommendation is to remember that this is all a shock and give her time to process. Don't take it personally if she says some awful things in the first moments of horror, and always, always keep the lines of communication open and take her needs into account. Feel free to suggest she come here, too, and to pass along that someone else who's been there is thinking of her. I'm so glad the timing of this post was helpful for you!

[JoanneB]

I know I am a minority of 1 in my TG group. My marriage is surviving the T-Bomb so far. In large part due to me making some big changes and examining my life.

Which makes me wonder.... Just how many relationships were in poor shape and only headed down hill thanks to how being trans was not being handled, like it was for mine?

[blueconstancy]

Joanne : That's sad about your group, although I'm glad for you personally!

I've actually been saying for a while that transition is like any other major life stressor, in that if it's overwhelming and/or handled badly (including one partner making unilateral decisions that affect them both), it can shatter a marriage. It doesn't *have* to, but I agree with you that some relationships were already on the rocks even before transition.