I don't know what to do from here.

[InstantRamen]

Its been three years since i've come out to my mom and she has her on and off days (80% of the time are off). Shes "accepted" the idea that i feel this way but persists that i need to see a therapist to "cure" me. I'm more than willing to take her to a gender therapist with me to talk about it, but she keeps saying "no, you're going there by yourself to get 'cured'."  I just dont know how to explain to her that transitioning is the only way to make me genuinely happy with this body i'm in. She constantly blames me for "not trying to livie as a female and only jumping to transition as a solution." it pains me to hear this from her. Its harmful, living with her but i dont really have a choice until i move out and dorm at a university. I'm actually on my way to getting T, but as long as i'm living under her roof, she's highly against it. Even the endo i went to is going through very helpful measures to get me to my goal, but the thing is i cant take myself there as often as i'd like (i cant drive and rely on rides... mainly from my mom since i'm not out to many friends that have access to cars). Sorry for the long rant, feeling sort of helpless and i had to get this out somewhere.

[King Malachite]

Maybe try giving her some pamphlets, or even a copy of the WPATH standards?  How far away is your endo?  Would you be able to take public transportation or a taxi?  Would you be able to get a moped license and drive one there? 

You could flat out as her "what would make you change your mind?"  It's blunt, but it could be an eye-opener depending on how she responds.

I feel your pain.  I know my mom wouldn't approve and I rely on her to get around as well.

[LordKAT]

Have you told her the only 'cure' is to transition?  There are a number of books and, as Malachite said, pamphlets to try to show her. Unfortunately, you can't make her read them any more than you can make her talk to your therapist. You could try seeing if she will contact PFLAG, they may help her see what you are trying to say.

[Taka]

just tell her that you've already tried living as a female, and you hate it to death.
if she's being overly honest about her opinions, you should give her some honesty in return.

or at least tell her that you won't "discuss" this matter with her until she actually listens to you, and require that she reads the pamphlets that you give her. making demands of your parents is a perfectly ok thing to do. it frustrates my mother when i do it, but i actually hold her responsible for her words and actions. i have different issues with my mother than what you have, but it makes me feel a whole lot better when i tell her how the things she says make me feel.

telling parents about the mistakes they do also makes it possible for them to redeem themselves so they won't be written out of your life at a later point when you've gained some more independence. never telling them what they do wrong will make that rather difficult.

[Felix]

Everyone's advice so far is great.

It would be good if you could somehow convince her that this isn't negotiable and isn't a choice you are making. Or if you could get her to reframe her narrative to where you need to do something important and you need her help to make it go smoothly. Most parents want their kids to be okay. I know it isn't healthy to promote ignorance, but I've had some success with getting people to see being trans as just another kind of gay. People are starting to understand that gay is just something that happens and not a lifestyle choice, and even people with strongly negative opinions about it are often willing to accept guidance about how they are supposed to act about it now.

I like the tactic of producing information and asking her to read it and be respectful. Or if it's not too personal, ask her to read the zillions of discussions on this site so she can get a feel for what you are going through and how serious it is. I know I'm not the only person who spent years trying really hard to be the gender I was assigned. I wanted very badly to be a real woman and I paid attention and tried to learn all the details and do all the correct things, but it didn't work because I'm not a woman. This stuff just is what it is.

It's possible that she won't ever accept who you are, or won't for a long time. If that happens you'll have to deal with the rejection and lack of support in addition to the difficulties of transition (or living as the wrong gender), and you'll have to figure out some way to be okay on your own.

[Adam (birkin)]

My situation was extremely similar, with the uni, my moms view, not being able to start hormones...I started hormones when I told my parents I was moving out. They knew my motivations, they knew it was for hormones and even called me out on it. I didn't deny it. I said yes, that was the reason, I couldn't live this way anymore and if this was the only option, I was happy to accept it.

Long story short, we came to an agreement that I could start hormones in the home because they didn't feel I was in a position to support myself financially. I ended up in a seedy basement suite for less than a month lol.

It still took like a year of hormones for my mom to stop calling me her daughter and stuff, and I had to call her out on it a number of times for her to quit it. It's only recently, after 2.5 years, that she calls me her son to other  people.

I think what I am trying to say is that parents eventually get over it. Sometimes HRT is the only thing to make them see that this is what is best for you and that this thing is really happening. Could you perhaps make a contract with your mom? Tell her that this is something you need. That it has been many years and you need to address this issue. But that you want the home situation to be happy and stable, and that you are willing to do x amount of chores, keep up with your grades, basically make an agreement with her that you aren't going to let the transition "ruin" your life. That was a fear of my parents, so when I moved back home I agreed to things like doing certain chores, walking the dog, and giving them at least 3 months notice before moving out in the future.