is there such a thing as too much support

[patrick1967]

So after a lot of progressive internal steps I finally identified myself as FTM. Came out to my SO about two weeks ago, some friends and finally my roommate Sunday. Went to my first trans meeting at PFLAG Sunday as well. Response has been amazing, very supportive n no negatives at all.

Yesterday i hit this point that I wonder if anyone else has gone through.  A lot of the support I have been getting is in the form of the ppl around me trying to educate themselves.  That in itself is wonderful.  What put me over the edge yesterday was the multiple emails, IMs n comments on their research. Vids on YouTube about other guys experiences, recommendations on binders n wearing one, effects of T etc. I wanted to just scream that the person I currently am is still here, not just the person I am working to be.

Is this a common situation n how do I handle it? I appreciate that they care but it all became about the trans aspect.

[Athena]

There can never be too much support just the wrong support.

[LordKAT]

I think this is apt here.


The best advice I ever received was from ( of all people) , my mother in law. She said to  listen to all advice silently, if not kindly. Use what you can, and simply ignore the rest.


They are trying to 'help' and do more than just support you. Take their intentions well, use any advice or suggestions or comments that you will, and ignore all the rest guilt free.  They will stop or slow down in due time, when the newness wears off.

[adrian]

First of all, I'm happy for you that you received such positive responses! I can relate to the feeling of "too much" - I've had something similar happen when I had severe food sensitivities.

Initially, in this situation, I had the feeling I had to respond to all the suggestions individually and had to explain why I considered something useful or applicable to my situation, or why not. I got very tired of that and I also realized that it was enough to say "thank you, I appreciate" and then decide whether I wanted to use the information or not. And that was perfectly OK.

So I second what the others already said - pick and choose what is useful for you and take the other offers as a general statement of support. The offers are an indication that your friends are willing to educate themselves about the topic and basically I think they're signalling "We are here for you of you need us".

[Alice Rogers]

It can be touching but a little overwhelming when those around you are keen to show that not only do they love you and respect your decision but they also want to help and show you they care enough to take an active interest in your transition.

I go through periods where I deliberately lock myself away from the approaches of comfort and help from others e.g. turning my phones off or going offline for even a few days at a time. As coping strategies go it has its good points and its bad points, you can take a breather from being bombarded by well wishes and sympathy (I hate when people pity me it really gets me down) but you must be careful not to go incommunicado for too long or people will worry or have their feelings hurt.

It sounds to me like Kat's mother in law had the right of it, take all the advice and file it away, use the bits you can and remember the rest in case it's useful down the road somewhat!

[Taka]

too much support can happen. people probably don't realize it at all when they're just trying to be helpful, but it's easy to get lost in an abundance of advice and good intentions. meeting some resistance is healthy, because it will force you to think through all your decisions more carefully, find out if you really want this enough to go through fire and water for it, if that becomes necessary.

not saying that people would disrespect you or anything, but it is interesting to have to answer skeptical questions. it also helps to not get caught up in a rush that is difficult to get out of if you suddenly need to slow down. the fast track to transition isn't right for every person. but still, the negativity shouldn't be in a disrespectful form, it would be better if it were the type of doubt that any girls parents should have when a guy suddenly comes by to propose. part of the old tradition where i'm from, was to have one or the other parent be very negative, it wasn't supposed to be easy for a guy to get the girl. one had to be sure he was serious about it, and that the girl was important enough for him to not give up at the first sign of resistance. it was regarded as a bad thing if parents gave in easily, because anyone who loves their child would want to be sure this is the right thing for them.

but the resistance is also something that's supposed to end when things have been talked out. it's a form of support that is good when done right, but way too often isn't meant as support as all, but instead is just the parents trying to get their child to give up. my daughter has my full support in being half boy, but if she suddenly gets the idea that she's actually more boy and wants to transition, she'll have to make an effort to convince me. not because i wouldn't let her, but because there is a possibility that she hasn't really understood the full consequences of such a thing.

convincing someone isn't about justifying it, what's needed are sound arguments for why this is the right thing for you to do. i agree with my oldest brother that a parent should ask for arguments and listen to them, when there's something the child wants. and if the arguments are well thought out and can withstand some resistance, then i'd have to think seriously about pretty much anything my daughter tells me she wants to do.

did this make any sense?
being skeptical to unconditional support, just to make sure you really mean it.
after that, it would be right to give one's full support though. to keep resisting would be wrong after having given permission.

or am i just weird in the way i think?