I never intended to. My plan was to go forward in life as Jon, keep the few people that knew to an absolute minimum and stealth through the rest of my life. But I decided this path is one destined to make it harder for myself, it's exhausting. Work was getting complicated in regards to all the appointments I have to book off and the operations. I'm feeling like I'm keeping myself from accepting the truth, and therefore not being truthful to myself and living in somewhat sense of denial.
So over a month ago I actually came out, on Facebook. Not for anyone else, but for me. To give myself a sense of honesty. I'm never going to be a cisman. It's impossible. No matter how much I want it. Instead, I am transgengered. That will never change, no amount if operations and hormones is ever going to change that. It's fact. And the further into my transition I go, the more I realise this. But that's not to say it's a bad thing! If anything, it's a good thing! I can't change who/what I am, so it's time to embrace it. In my opinion, and how I feel, is that none of us should have to hide our true selves behind society. They do not determine who we are, they have no right to judge or exclude us from society. We are who we are. I am who I am. I didn't ask for it.
So I went for it. I opened up everything on a status on Facebook. I was nervous. I was scared. But I did it for all the right reasons. Now aquaintences know. My whole family knows. People I work with know. And everyone has been amazing! That status received so much support... Even from people I don't know since I forgot about the whole fb privacy thing and friends of friends even saw it!! Lol but not one single negativity came from it. Word has obviously gotten around work as well in my absence as I've also received some amazing and surprising support from those I don't have on fb.
Now, tbh, I have never not once experienced any kind of hate during my transition and for that I am eternally thankful. I am aware it's not so plain sailing for others. And that's sad. I hate knowing other people have been victimised because of who they are, and this is why we (do not chose) but is best we stay in the shadows. To keep ourselves safe. It shouldn't have to be this way
if more of us were more open, then we would be perceived more as normal, like we are. I think the hiding does more harm than good as a whole. I think the world needs more famous trans (such as Carmen Carrera, and Kellie/Frank Maloney) as they are an inspiration and the strength we need to be able to show the world there is nothing wrong with who we are. There is no shame.
With my out if the closet status, I took a risk. But my risk is one step closer to a better future to all trans everywhere. I'm not scared of what society thinks anymore because I'm not scared of myself. I'm not scared to admit yes, I am a ->-bleeped-<-. Yes, I wasn't born into the correct gender role. No, I'm not ashamed anymore. And this is the step in my transition that has been bigger than any of the operations involved. This is my battle with who I am that I feel I am close to winning.
Before my op, I asked my gic; "will I always feel dysphoric? Will the full bottom surgery solve this?" you know he said; "only you know the answer to that." he was right. I will always feel like a ->-bleeped-<- until I finally realise - I am a ->-bleeped-<-.
I came out. Not to the public, but to myself. That took all my life.
