Brunch with my sister - first meeting since going full time

[Ms Grace]

Despite transitioning full time almost six months ago, and having told my sister at that time, today was our first actual get together. She has been through a break up with her psychologically abusive partner, the father of her three children, and so needed to find new place to live after selling the family home of 20 years. So it has been a stressful time for her and her kids and things have really only started to settle down now for the first time in a year. Because of that I haven't been pressuring to meet up with her...she's got enough on her plate.

We did get together today for a Sunday morning brunch. It's actually the first time my sister and I have done anything like this together just the two of us - usually the rest of her family and our parents are in tow when we get together for a meal. She arrived at my place to pick me up, she was initially nervous, saying it was odd for her to see me "looking that way". I had dressed nicely but very casually, skinny khaki cargo pants, an orangey pinkish long sleeve light cotton top and white deck shoes. It was unmistakably female attire but not girly - in fact I avoided wearing a dress or skirt to show her that being trans isn't all about looking as girly as possible. (I'm sure she expected me to look like the worst cliche of a drag queen!)

She soon seemed to forget all about that as during the drive and the brunch about 90%+ of the conversation was about her and her problems - some things never change!! Clearly she got over the discomfiture of seeing me present as a woman in fairly short order. It's actually the first ta meal.

I used the opportunity to talk to her about  seeing her daughter. As I've mentioned elsewhere my sister's counsellor gave her some extremely uninformed advice that my niece (who is 9) shouldn't see me or know about me until "she has developed her sexual identity"... seriously, WTF? I told my sister I was prepared to honour her decision but that I felt she had received very bad advice. I was prepared to concede my niece has been through a traumatic experience around her father and moving and some school related problems and that might be a reason for her not finding out just yet that her "uncle" was now an aunt; but that "sexual identity" stuff was ill informed nonsense.

Now that my sister seems convinced I'm not some embarrassing freak show she might be a bit more relaxed about how I interact with her kids - I get to meet the older nephews (who know) in the next month or so. I'm not going to push anything, it's up to my sister. As to whether I get to see my niece sooner rather than later remains to be seen.

[xponentialshift]

That's great news Grace! I'm glad you are making progress with your sister. I hope she does decide to introduce her daughter to her new aunt soon.!

[Julia-Madrid]

Little steps in the right direction, Grace, good on ya!

I am astonished by how family seem to take leave of their senses when it comes to presenting us to small nephews or nieces, as if we're going to leave them traumatised and scarred for life!!! 

My sister and her husband were highly reluctant to tell tell my little nephews (6 and 8 years old).  The reasons?  (1) the trauma,   (2) that it might give them ideas,  (3) that it could activate some transgender genetics buried in them.  I mean really, what rubbish!

Then they were told, a few weeks ago, just prior to my visiting them in London.  The older one was shocked and cried, and the little one laughed.  I think these are valid reactions.  When I turned up they were a little shy for a few minutes, and then realised that Uncle A was now simply Aunt A.  By the end of the weekend they were casually referring to me in the feminine.

I fully recognise and respect that parents wish to protect their children, and I treat their concerns sensitively.  But kids  have astonishing mental plasticity and are much more accepting of change.   As for your sister's therapist, I am astonished - words fail me.

You're doing all the right things, in my opinion. 

[helen2010]

Grace

I am absolutely delighted that this has gone so well for you.  Parents are funny but they generally come around and I am very hopeful that your sister will do likewise.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Ms Grace]

Thanks everyone - I love my niece and do hope to be able to see her soon. But it's clear my sister is suffering from anxiety after the break up with her @$$ hat partner so I'm certainly not going to push her on this. I just wish she'd found a better counsellor!

[Asniceasme]

I am glad everything went ok today for you...but you are right in not pushing your sister too far. From the sounds of it the counsellor doesn't have any experience with transgender individuals, and/or let their own personal prejudices get in the way of offering correct advice to your sister.

However, I also don't know what to do in the same situation, as I have no nieces or nephews, and probably never will.

[FrancisAnn]

Good for you & thanks for sharing. It takes time for people to adjust to new things, no matter what they are. Just relax & maybe you & your sister will become closer & she will accept you more as her true sister.

I have a very good friend that I went to grammar school with. I've been open to her for almost a year & we are very good friends. She does not have any living family & I also do not have much of any family after getting rid of one unworthy Aunt. A few days ago my friend offered to adopt me as her sister for life & I acccepted. I'm 6 months older so I'm now the older sister. She has 2 beautiful grand children that she keeps quite often for her son & his wife.

She has invited me to meet them & all the rest of the family as Aunt Francis to the kids. I'm not 100% a woman for now & I'm not sure I want her young children wondering about such things as new people & gender issues. They are 4 & 6 years old, a boy & a girl. So for now I've told her unless I'm 100% female & her G children would be very comfortable without any question in their mind I just would not want to expose them to something perhaps so confusing.

Good luck in handling your sisiter & neice but maybe these younger people need to time before they encouter our unique type lifestyles?

I'm sure there will be those that disagree.
 

[stephaniec]

I hope for good things  to come

[immortal gypsy]

She soon seemed to forget all about that as during the drive and the brunch about 90%+ of the conversation was about her and her problems - some things never change!!

But of course it would be Grace,  you're here sister that's what you're there for. What's the quote, "But enough about me. What do you think about me". Glad to hear things are slowly moving in a more positive direction between you and your sister. Friends we can pick and choose, family er not so much

[rosinstraya]

I'm glad you have had a better family experience this weekend! Hopefully a sign of further good things.

[Bols]

Firstly Grace, I'm happy you could meet up with your sister. I hope you can open a new found chapter in your life that deepens your ties with your family. I also wish your sister well in her steps to find her feet at this difficult time.
I firmly believe that you being there for her, and meeting her finally as you, will only represent love and respect...and your sister will feel that.
Take care,
Lena (aka Bols)

[LizMarie]

Great news, Grace!

That's sort of like my own situation. My daughter is my only child who has been supportive but has been reluctant to let me see her children yet. However, when she took me out to dinner for my birthday, she told me she's considering telling her kids. She says they ask about me and she doesn't have the heart to say "No, you're not going to see grandpa for many years." Like you, I am not pushing, but I did tell her what my therapist said - that if she and her husband have no issues with me, the kids very likely won't either.

I wish you luck with your nieces and nephews! I hope you get to see them soon!