The thought of telling people makes me feel sick.

[kg85621]

So I have lived with all these thoughts in my head for at least the past 15 years. I truly feel I am in the wrong body. Every time I think about telling my girlfriend or anyone I know I start to feel sick. Thinking about this right now makes me shake and want to throw up. Anyone else have this problem before they told people? How did you cope?

[Ravensong]

My feelings aren't as bad as yours, but I feel the same way.  The way I've worked through it is straightforward.  I took a deep breath and just....talked.  I just told whomever I was talking with straight up, with a little explanation or exposition, then opened the dialogue for questions.  I answered them to the best of my ability at the time.

I don't know if this will help or not, but maybe this is the way to tell your girlfriend.  I felt a tremendous amount of weight lift off my shoulders after talking and felt so light I could fly.

Good Luck!

[kg85621]

Thank you for the input. Any info helps. I think telling my GF will be more hard than telling anyone else. I feel telling her I will have lied and deceived her for the past few years. Feels unfair to her. 

[Jessica Merriman]

I think a good Therapist preferably with gender issue's could help you a lot with this. I was terrified, but they slowly and patiently taught me how to tell people and accept myself fully. It made all the difference in the world. 

[Aus76]

It gets easier the more people you tell. I picked a "soft target" of an accepting friend first and went from there. You are going to have easy ones and hard ones. I just came out to my entire family via e-mail last Wednesday, and the reactions have been generally good.

Hang in there. Try to "hit all" that may be tricky at once, via e-mail, and it makes it not as bad...

[Releca]

Kg85621 I get where you'really coming from. I dealt with the same feeling for 20+ years to the point I even went to pretend I was male. Found a wife got married and after 6 years of living this lie it became to much for me. I started off with close reliable friends then my wife. Now I've spent the last 6 months trying to find a way to happily live as a woman whom wants a male husband. I have also seen and heard many stories just like this one. After seeing many different therapist I think I have one whom is specialized in transgender issues to do solo and couple therapy. I don't know how long you've been together but its something both of you will come to terms with. If you both just see each others occasionly then see a therapist first if you are very close or even living together she will find it odd you sneaking off so it would be better to come out first. Don't lie or make excuses this will only make things worse. Telling her its nothing won't work either since if she is asking she already knows something is up and you denying it will only lead to her thinking you have something to hide you don't want her to know about like another woman perhaps. While partially true (you are the other woman) don't let her find out on her own. This will lead to distrust issues of what else you may be hiding.

Oh wow that ended up being longer than expected but its all good words of wisdom from the hand of experience.

[Allyda]

In my case my being trans didn't surprise anyone. Not even that I'm IS. Oh I too was very scared at first, but after telling a few people about it seeing it didn't surprise them much it got easier with each person I told. I suspect it will get easier for you the more people you tell. A gender therapist is a good idea as Jess suggested. He/she will be able to better help you through this.

Best wishes!

Ally

[HeatherR]

For me what has worked, was being vocal to the people I care about that something is really wrong... Something they wouldn't understand... Something that has been wearing you down for 15 years to the point you can't keep up the charade...  They typically, at that point, demand you tell them...  It's worked for me so far.  Did I feel sick?  Yes.. but I had the surprise of a lifetime, over a dozen times in a row.  Acceptance and love.

[Abby Claire]

Ughh I know that feeling. Don't remind me.

The nice part is when you tell someone and they're completely cool with it or even go out of their way to help you.

However, the worst time is when you tell someone and they react very poorly. I haven't dealt with hate or discrimination or anything, but watching people you love collapse into tears like you just stabbed them in the heart is one of the worst feelings ever. I experienced that with my mom and sister. They made me feel guilty and ashamed. 

I guess you should know both sides of it. Believe me, I'm with everyone else in saying you need to come out to people, but you should know that there are risks and rewards. It only gets worse the longer you hide your secret, but coming out isn't always puppies and rainbows.

[Aus76]

And on the bright side, once you do it--it's done. Even the most extreme negative reactions are over.

Case in point, I had a "good friend" respond by saying "Transsexuals should be killed. Stay away from my kids."

So.....we aren't friends, I guess. Ah well. Moving on! I know it sounds horrible but I kinda laughed and just accepted that some people are like that. I can't push being a friend, I choose to surround myself with supportive people.

The sooner you do it, the sooner you can start finding allies.

[Juliett]

I never had a male life. When i accepted myself, i had absolute clarity, no fear, no doubt. Just get it done and you will be infinitely happier. You will beat yourself up wondering why you ever waited.

[runaway]

I've come out to almost 20 people in my life now, including my mother and sister, and all have been supportive. The worst I've had to deal with, is some callous remarks or comments from people who just don't know much about what being transgender means.

A common theme in my coming-out experience, was telling someone who was in my car, while I was driving. I think that put me in charge of the situation, because nobody wants to get into a car wreck.

I mean that in jest though. But the setting is important, and a car (if you have access to one), is a very private and mobile safe space.

[Lostkitten]

The first few people I came out too I asked if they would mind me for them to tell them something personal because it was bothering me. They were fine with it, and I explained it in a e-mail. And I asked if they could let me know when they read it so maybe we could talk after.

This way you can describe your feelings without having to be afraid it will come out wrong. The person who reads it has the time to let it sink in before seeing you again, thus making it feel less tense.

But each their own of course ^^. That just worked really fell for myself and when more people knew about it I just eventually felt normal to tell it.

[Ravensong]

Oh, one thing I forgot to mention.  When I came out to my parents, I wasn't sure what their reactions would be, so I asked to meet them for supper at a favorite (and always busy) local restaurant, so we could talk.  By doing that, I controlled the situation by making sure they couldn't explode or do anything truly negative, action wise, to me.  I figured by telling them in a public place where you could still maintain anonymity, that I could temper what could be horrible reactions, while not stifling good reactions to much.

So, a date at a favorite restaurant (but make it a more casual, louder one, nothing too quiet) may be the best place to talk with your girlfriend.  Just make sure you tell her in a way that opens it up for questions, be prepared to answer anything and everything as best you can.

Just my additional 2 cents, I hope it helps.

[TheQuestion]

I didn't tell anyone, my mother did, but I haven't seen anyone who's been told since and I'm really not looking forward to it.  It seems people are cool with it.  One of my uncles even wanted to bring me out to dinner, apparently he feels bad...