Over thinking rant *TRIGGER?*

[Matthew]

THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING - PLEASE DON'T READ IF YOU THINK IT MAY TRIGGER YOU



Lately I've been stressed as hell and just need to get some stuff off my chest. Since coming to the realisation I was transgender I've been over thinking and doubting myself all the time, this alongside my dysphoria peaks when I come out to someone else, which I've been doing lately. There's so many questions I ask myself that keep me up at night an I don't know how to deal with it. People tell me that if I'm happy and if I will be happy as male then yeah! go for it, but it's hard to live and function without justification.
Do I really want to be male? Maybe I'm just unhappy with my life, maybe I'm insecure or depressed, maybe because I had a crush on a trans guy in my school I want to be to impress him sub consciously?
Why didn't I always know? Is my dysphoria real, I don't feel I'm in the wrong body, my body feels wrong, but maybe I'm just insecure. I never thought 'I'm a boy' so does that mean I'm not trans?
I don't hate my genitals, I don't wake up every day having the first thought in my head 'I should be male' and I'm not really masculine. Yeah, gender expression and gender identity is different, but how do I know who I am?
All my role models are male, maybe I just want to be like them? Maybe I'm just a masculine female, maybe I feel it'd be easier to be male for me because of male privilege, maybe I'm crazy.
Maybe all of these things are true, subconsciously I'm feeling all of this because of all of the reasons above.
I don't know who I am, I don't know what I am or what I'm feeling. I know therapy will help, but what does that mean? Maybe I'm just a puppet for my mind, completely insane. What if everything I say to them is what I think I'm meant to say, even if I don't mean to?

I just don't know. I don't know how to cope with all of this. I'm living a life that is just dysphoria and confusion and I don't feel like I can carry on a self destructive path.  I just don't know what to do or how to help myself. I don't know how to stop all of these doubts because I just want to be happy, but that feels impossible. I came out to more people today, and more people in my class overheard. They were discussing it across the room and so many people heard, I know my teacher did. I'm scared. How can they understand me if I don't understand myself?


I'm sorry, I just needed somewhere to rant and get all this out I don't know if any of it makes sense, my head is kind of a mess right now
-Matt

[mrs izzy]

It is all ok Matthew.

We all need to rant or get things in the open so we can look at things in a new perspective.

Keep it real, keep it from the heart, keep it honest and you will find your answer.

Love the avatar.

Hugs.

[Kaelin]

Having male role models doesn't necessarily say you have male gender, but there is something you see in them that you would like to model.  It's okay to have a blend of male/female roles/stereotypes and still identify as female... or male for that matter (it's the difference between gender identity and expression).  A non-binary gender identity is also possible.  We have a lovely non-binary board here for people to discuss non-binary identity or gender-nonconforming expression, and you are welcome to participate if you wish.

[MajorTom]

Well, everyone can be different with dysphoria- I don't have any major problems with my primary sex characteristics either. I first realised I was ftm when I realized I could imagine myself 20 years down the road as a man, and I couldn't as a woman. It does sound like your depressed, and being depressed can make you question anything, regardless if it's true or not. Things sort themselves out with time. If you're happy when someone recognizes you as male, then I'd say that's a good indicator. If you're nervous about school, people usually can surprise you- I came out on the first day, to many people and teachers I knew and didn't know previously. Only a month in and everyone's been very supportive. When you first come out (at least for me) for the first few times, you'll feel like absolute crap for a little while. Then you'll feel great later. Good luck 

[MacG]

You don't have to figure this all out on a deadline. You also don't have to actively think about all of this all of the time.
Nothing you've said has ruled out being any form of trans.

[Amathy]

Breathe, Matthew, Breathe.  Personally I find meditation a helpful way to stay calm while thinking deeply about things. 

I think a certain amount of questions are normal but I'm going to caution you about asking too many.  I started out that way and its really hard to gain clarity.  Now I just do whatever makes me happy. 

In the morning I ask myself every day what I want to wear.  Every day its guys clothes.  I walk and talk and act as I feel most comfortable doing so.  I do hobbies I want regardless of gender norms.  Thinking of myself and having people refer to me with male pronouns feels better. 

Yeah, it can be stressful to go against societies norms but in the end it makes me happier. I hope you can glean a few helpful conclusions from my story.   My point is just to be who whoever that is and dont stress about whatifs.

[♥︎ SarahD ♥︎]

I'm glad it's not just me lol. Matthew hunni, you're not alone.  I'm really early in this whole process myself and I've been circling around all these same questions you've been having babe.  Am I really a girl?  Am I really trans?  Is it possibly I'm just heavily empathising with trans* folk somehow?  Could this just be a "grass is greener on the other side" thing?  And even if I am really trans*, am I really female or am I more non-binary?  Could I just be a feminine / metrosexual guy?  Maybe I'm just a guy who wants to cross-dress?  If I come out to people, what happens if I change my mind later?  All these sorts of questions keep going around and around in my head, and I'm constantly looking for any physical, psychological and historical clues to try and help answer them.

But do you know something I'm starting to realise lately?  I'm realising the simple fact that: cisgendered folk *NEVER* ask themselves any of these questions.  It never even crosses their mind, at least never more than a brief, fleeting thought at most.  The very fact that folks like us even ask these kinds of questions seriously, and then proceed to mull over them constantly is - in and of itself - a kind of testament to our trans* state.  Why would such questions even cross a cisgendered person's mind, other than for perhaps a very brief bit of entertainment?  They have no reason to raise these questions because they already *know* who and what they are.  Nothing is mis-aligned with them, so why would they think to start asking such questions of themselves?  Have you ever asked yourself if you're really human?  Other than as a momentary joke, I know I never have.  Why would I?  I just *know* I am.  It's the same with being cisgendered - if you *know* you're gender X, why would you ever bother asking these kinds of questions?  Conversely, if you do start seriously asking questions like we all here are, then pretty much by definition, we *don't know* our own gender with certainty.

Granted, this doesn't answer the question "what are we?", but it does tell us what we're not - **we're not cisgendered**.  And as the great Sherlock Holmes once said:

When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

Oh and yeh, I'm not hugely bothered by my genitals either.  If I could press a magic button an *POOF*, now I have lady parts, I'd absolutely do it in a heartbeat.  But equally if I were told for some reason I'd have to live with man parts for the rest of my life, I'd just be like "meh, that's a shame but ok".  In other words, I'd prefer lady parts, but man parts don't bother me much (if at all).  What's far more important to me is being able to express my true self, and for the world to see me as who / what I really am.  Not being able to do that would absolutely destroy me, because it has been destroying me piece by piece over the years while I was in denial.  Now that I'm removing the suppressions on  everything, I'm feeling more and more like a Pheonix rising from the ashes, and it feels *AMAZING*!

I hope that helps you out in some way hunni, and remember we're all in this together   <3 *hugs* <3

EDIT:  Oh and yeh, I'd like to draw attention to the quote in my signature because it's kinda relevant here

You never find the path to your true self, but rather - you find your true self along the path

[Matthew]

Thanks for the support everyone

It does make sense that cisgendered people don't think of all this, of course they don't. I know I'm not cisgendered, but yeah, it's confusing.

I know I don't need to work things out, but it's bothering me so much and I'm really not that patient haha.

I feel like I might be more towards non binary, but again I don't know. Thanks for the support


*hugs*
-Matt

[jamesdoran]

just commenting to say that I have had my doubts too. I used to go through long periods of wondering if I was really trans or if I was just trying to be unique. For me it helps to hear that plenty of other people have these thoughts too!

[Felix]

All of it makes sense and seems normal and sounds frustrating. Keep in mind that it's perfectly valid to choose an identity that feels comfortable and then change it later if you need to. Your classmates and teachers and strangers on the bus are going to think whatever they want regardless what you decide, so settling on a category for yourself isn't necessarily going to shape gossip very much. You know that you have dysphoria and you know that you are still figuring out who you are. Arriving at definite conclusions may not be possible but you might need to decide how much space you need and what kind of language is important to you. It might help to explain to people close to you that you are dealing with gender stuff so they can ask questions and you can tell them what your expectations and boundaries are.

Also I want to say that I don't mind my genitals and I used to struggle with fears that my not identifying as a woman was due to the sexism in my society, but I'm sure now that those complications didn't have any meaningful effect on my gender identity.