Quote from: Riley Skye on September 09, 2014, 04:45:18 PM
TRIGGER WARNING!!!
I know I don't come here often anymore, I'm well along into my transition and am now preparing for bottom surgery next year. I wish I could say everything is going amazing and that I'm happy with loved ones, unfortunately I can't. These have been the worst two years of my life, I am knowing nothing but abuse and neglect. I don't know what happiness is, Everyone I've known has hurt me in one way or another.
This past Friday took the cake. A friend whom I knew since I first started college four years ago, who I was developing a sexual relationship this summer raped me. I told him I didn't want to have or experiment with sex at all but he ignored me. He went in and took advantage and forced himself on me. I feel extremely hurt and everything, all the abuse and bullying I faced is crashing down on me.
I don't remember my childhood because I completely blocked the trauma I experienced. With a few exceptions most friends I had bullied and/or used me in one way or another. Boy scouts was horrible because I was reminded constantly of how much of an incompetent idiot I was at most everything and was never given a real chance. I never fit in, I was bullied for everything I didn't get and I was never given a chance to learn. No one gave me a single ounce of respect, I was outcasted and getting Eagle Scout was painful.
Two years ago myfriends I had at the time turned on me after I came out and was hospitalized for suicide. In the emergency room where I spent a almost two days in abused and hurt me. I recieved no treatment whatsoever, they just dumped me in this cold room with others. When I was freaking out all they did was threaten to restrain and drug me. The hospital I was transferred did nothing except send me off to a therapist who did ->-bleeped-<- and my wonderful psychiatrist whom I love dearly for helping me so much, she is the one professional who I feel truly cares.
My friends at the time hurt me in so many ways, saying horrible stuff about my depression and transition. They were scared I would assault them, told me they'd always see it as a man hitting them, told me I was confusing for coming out as a lesbian. Slowly they drifted from me and put all the blame squarely on me. I couldn't relax because every little thing I did was wrong and I was called stupid and an idiot to no end.
Last Thanksgiving I was experiencing a bad breakdown, I was caught by this one person from the support group I go to. She was just as unstable as I was, she fell too hard for me and went too far with sex. After the Thanksgive party at group we all went to her house to party. There was so much alcohol, I drank so much and barely remember the night. All I remember was flirting a little with my crush at the time and everything went to ->-bleeped-<- and I was left hurt. Later in the spring I was chilling with her and smoking some pot. It became obvious she still had feelings and as I was passing out and still high she took advantage . She sexually assaulted me before I came to my senses and left.
I do have my best friend Erica whom without her I would have killed myself. The problem is she lives in NYC for college and has so much on her plate. She struggles with mental illness and it is so hard to receive emotional support from her. I have struggled so much just to connect with anyone, the one person I started to moved just as we got close.
Right now I'm struggling bad to pick up the pieces, I'm left broken. I don't know what love feels like, I feel that I can't trust anyone because I'll just be taken advantage of. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't have any hope because every time I do and things are starting to look nice it gets dashed away and I'm left abandoned and hurt. The only thing I have left is my transition, I'm finally becoming happy with my body. I just want life to start going my way for once. I just don't know about life anymore, I guess I just needed to rant and try to get my story out. Thanks for just reading and listening to me ramble on.
You are a beautiful person, and none of this is your fault. You do need to report the sexual abuse, because this person can do it again. I'm glad transition is helping you, but you should talk to a therapist about the issues of trauma. You might not hear this a lot, but after reading your story I care about you as your sister. I will pray for you, pm me if you ever want to talk.
