My roommate and I are in a bit of a pickle

[CursedFireDean]

I will be moving into my college this weekend (horray!) and I have a female roommate who knows that I am trans and is comfortable with it. We were not assigned to each other, we talked while there was still time to chose a roommate, since I wanted to be sure I would be rooming with someone who was fine with a transman. She knows that I just started T and I've told her what changes I expect.

The pickle is that when she attempted to explain the situation to her parents (not in depth, just that I was a guy) it did not go well. I'm not sure 100% what happened, but essentially she started to test the waters, realised they were dangerous waters, and did not proceed further. Now we are stuck at her parents know I am not a straight girl (they came to the conclusion I'm a lesbian) and they're going to be helping at move in and move out. I don't see this being a problem at move in because my mom can't seem to get my preferred name right, and my roommate's family will be using a girl name, but it will definitely be a problem at move out and if her family comes to visit, since changes from T will start to become apparent. Her parents are already uncomfortable with her rooming with a lesbian and bother her about it, let alone with a guy, so we have both agreed telling them is sensitive. We're not really sure what to do when the time rolls around that we will have to tell them.
I've told her that it's all her decision, these are people she has to deal with every day, not me, these people are not important in my life but they are in hers, so I really don't care what they know. But she does take my thoughts into consideration and I'd like to try and help her as best I can.

[Kreuzfidel]

That sucks to hear, but I don't really know what your question is.

What do do when it's time to tell them?  Just tell them, I say.  You're not living at their house.  It's a college dorm (unless I completely got that wrong).

[pianoforte]

I would wait to worry about move-out until move out.

[lilthumper]

I think you already solved your own question when you said something along the lines of why not let her decide what she wants to do since their her parents.

[JJones]

If you are off to University/college then its time her parents let her grow up and make her own decisions about life. One of the things about moving away from home is to become more independent. By the time move out comes around, she wont care what her parents think. And to be honest, neither will they care by that point, they will be too happy their daughter is coming home etc.

[CursedFireDean]

If you are off to University/college then its time her parents let her grow up and make her own decisions about life. One of the things about moving away from home is to become more independent. By the time move out comes around, she wont care what her parents think. And to be honest, neither will they care by that point, they will be too happy their daughter is coming home etc.

True. I am mostly just worried that I know this school has plenty of helicopter parents who would pull their kids out of the school or stop paying if they didn't like something, so I'm worried about that. But by move out it will be irrelevant, so you're right. There's really not a lot of reason for me to worry.

[sneakersjay]

I'd say nothing more, and if/when they ask at move out who the guy is, she can just nonchalantly say that "the lesbian" (or whatever name she wants to call you) moved out during the year and "boy name" moved in.  and yeah she didn't tell them so they didn't freak out.  Or you can just pretend to be "the lesbian's" brother at move out because "she" had to work or some nonsense.  Frankly it's none of their business, but I'd just roll with whatever the roommate wants to tell her parents that will make her comfortable.

Kind of like my daughter sometimes gets stumped as to what to call me.  She has a bad habit of talking to people about her Mom, but then I show up and she doesn't want to introduce me to them as her Mom (I'd really prefer to stay stealth and she's aware of this). So she tells people I'm her uncle, and that works for me.  I just roll with whatever she tells them.

[CursedFireDean]

I'd say nothing more, and if/when they ask at move out who the guy is, she can just nonchalantly say that "the lesbian" (or whatever name she wants to call you) moved out during the year and "boy name" moved in.  and yeah she didn't tell them so they didn't freak out.  Or you can just pretend to be "the lesbian's" brother at move out because "she" had to work or some nonsense.  Frankly it's none of their business, but I'd just roll with whatever the roommate wants to tell her parents that will make her comfortable.

Kind of like my daughter sometimes gets stumped as to what to call me.  She has a bad habit of talking to people about her Mom, but then I show up and she doesn't want to introduce me to them as her Mom (I'd really prefer to stay stealth and she's aware of this). So she tells people I'm her uncle, and that works for me.  I just roll with whatever she tells them.

Those are great suggestions, thanks

[Bimmer Guy]

I would just tell her to not worry about me, tell them whatever she needs to tell them to get them off her back, and when they come to visit (as the year goes on and you transition), you will stay out of the room when they are there.

It will seem a lot less big after you get there and start living there, I promise.

[darkfox91]

I say just avoid the parents whenever they're around. Your roommate seems nice and understanding but she also should stand up for herself and her right to make decisions like this for herself. Even if you were a "lesbian" who is to say you'd be interested in your roommate? And even if you were, why would anyone assume you'd make a move or disrespect her wishes if she didn't want you to? I don't think people even think that far. Her parents need to get over themselves, but you have better things to worry about! Good luck on your transition through the school year