Hey Belou,
Your situation really resonates with me. I think a lot of us, non-binary or otherwise, began from a place where "lesbian" felt like the closest thing to home. Personally, I struggled (and sometimes still struggle) with the line between butch identity and nb or ftm identity, and I had a lot of trouble picking apart what was a "trans thing" and what wasn't.
It may help you to know that dysphoria isn't synonymous with self-hatred, as is sometimes thought. "Dys-" just means "to feel bad." I think we've all seen the stock photo of the girl staring into the mirror and seeing a boy looking back, but it isn't just about being "trapped in the wrong body" -- although, of course, for some people it is. But dysphoria can also be the odd, sticky feeling you get when you put on a blouse and your brain goes "that's not right..." It's the fear that everyone else will know what you just thought, and that they too are seeing a boy in a dress. Dysphoria is the flare of panic when the class is split into men and women, and for a briefest moment, you're not sure where to go. And it's the disconnect when you catch your reflection, that extra millisecond of "Oh? Is that me?"
I tell you this because a lot of people, myself included, spent ages feeling like the could not possibly be feeling dysphoria because they'd never previously considered removing their breasts or having SRS. For me, it was all about the line between "wanting" and "being." I was sure that I wanted to have a man's body, that I had something missing, but I couldn't shake the feeling that it wasn't that I was a man, it was that I wanted to be one. That was scary to me; I couldn't tell if it was normal or internalized misogyny or some combination of the two. But eventually, I came to realize that all of that, my whole mess -- it wasn't something that cis people experience. Today, I identify as non-binary and transmasculine. You may feel the same, you may not. It's ok to explore regardless.
I hope you find some answers here, and soon!
