Fifty years of knowing I was different.
Fifty years of rejection of who I am.
Fifty years of misunderstanding the relationship I have spiritually with the God of my Understanding, of thinking I was condemned due to trans.
Fifty years of bitterness,
Fifty years of purge after purge,
Fifty years of progression,
Fifty years of pain....
Thirty years of sobriety after the self hate had driven me to the edge of death by progressive alcohol poisoning.
Then, a year and a half of therapy,
a year and a half of learning not to hate myself,
a year and a half of the medical and shrink discovery of trans,
a year and a half of hormonal transition,
a year and a half of a new life,
a year and a half of pain with the end being joy from that pain,
a year and a half of coming out,
a year and a half of finding the marital boundaries that work and not only work, that become celebration
a year and a half of the end of all deceit and lies,
a year and a half of the beginnings of the reduction of dysphoria.
9 months of Susans,
9 months of new friends,
9 months of a life with new meaning,
9 months of not being alone,
9 months of reality and freedom,
9 months of authenticity,
9 months of a whole new life,
9 months of validation.
An eternity of truth and victory
What drives me.
Bitterness of the past, a resolution that others be helped based on my trans experience, a deep love of family, God, and the entire transgendere communty no matter what walk it is, a deep desire to influence and restore others into joy and peace and new beginnings, a fire that burns in my heart to share my experience strength and hope with all of you, and a rage that expresses in the little things to confront those who wrecked my mind in the beginning, who were clueless, who need to see truth, and to see some of mine if they look hard enough.
Easy, not. Rewarding, incredible. Is it a war against injustice, a war against depression, a war against suicidality in others? Absolutely. It is a battle, and I am a warrior, with the wings of trans.
Love to all here, nails out hair down heart wide open and living truth.
Satinjoy