another small update.. actually.. a couple small ones, and a pretty huge one.. (and this is going to be long again.. like a blog..)
My youngest, called me the other day, asked if I can come take her to the dentist thursday.. I said absolutely.. since mommy is going to be gone the whole week, would you like me to come stay there ., take you to school, work, dentist? She said, no, she was going to try to be independent, but thursday is ok.. we talked about how school was going, problems with learning the math she had to do, getting a tutor.. few other things.. but, generally, a normal... um.. pre-outting conversation.. I did use something close to .. (deep breath) daddys voice, to keep her at ease..
Second thing.. Saturday, and Sunday.. I went shopping. dressed.. soccer mom style.. hair pretty nice, jeans, colored tee, my calf boot, no bra yet (big mistake, would not have been so bad if the stores didnt keep the temp so cool).. bought a total of 16 new tops, blouses at Goodwill.. some really nice ones. a couple i really screwed up on sizes (note to self, you are NOT a medium!) .. plus, one of the tops, a really pretty med. purple flannel (nah, you had to see it ! its was really nice!!) Well, NEXT TIME I read the label, not just the GW tag.. yes, it said Large, but what i did NOT read, was "Miley Cyrus collection".. tho it "looked" big enough, I could not even get it anywhere close to sitting on my shoulders.. If it was a Large, it was a Kids, or maybe even Juniors large.. smh. (second note to self, unless the place is on fire, TRY EVERYTHING ON!)..
the GW checkout girl struck up a conversation, first, did I find everything alright, how cute the tops were, .. I replied, I spotted several really nice boots but they were like.. size 6's and 7's.. ugh, some really small feet... she said, there are some cute ones but also small for her. I mostly looked .. like a female, so she was talking to me like one. Bagging the items, handing them to me, smiled, really nice, very warmly, said, Here ya go, dearie, I hope you have a wonderful day. (almost broke down..) she saw me tear up.. smiled again.. ok, not my first time out, dressed (mostly), but the very first, i was .. spoken to, as a female. I knew, she knew. The store is close to where I live now, so I will be going there, much more.
Anyway.. 16 really nice tops, both long and short sleeved, building my wardrobe. I have purged nearly all of my.. old.. clothes.. keeping a some dark sox for work, a pair of 505 jeans, and some sweatshirts. Everything else.. gone. I have to get a few more jeans, some nice slacks..
Next stop, walmart, and.. well. one of the .. eh, not so good things.. pushing the cart around... looking at quite a few things, all around, not just clothing. Got several muttered comments from neanderthals as we passed, but, while I heard them, I ignored them, did not even turn to look at them for commenting. Screw 'em!!
Still at WM.. looking for black ankle boots for work, spotted some uber-cute med grey ankle boots, I could NOT pass up! I knew, from my lil mistake of thicker socks with the first pair of heels i bought, to wear thinner ones, peds.. I did.. tried on a pair of 10.. fit and looked really nice. Tried a 9.. uh uh, not a chance. The right fit well, the left a bit tight. But once on.. they fit well. Cha-ching! Into the cart. along with some more sox. Self check up.. bagged and headed out the door for home.
Ok, now.. the huge thing... Mom, and I, had not talked pretty much after I came out to her mar 5th.. we talked.. the.. 8th or 9th i think.. and.. not again, until Sunday night. 7 months.. not a word.. no texts, calls, emails.. she had said, in March, she loved me, just would not condone what I was doing, not accept, or.. do anything to acknowledge me. At that point, I think i said, then we have nothing more to talk about.
Well Sunday evening, she called me, in a seemingly normal call, "hadnt heard from you, wondering what you all are doing (so did not know I have left the house).. It became a 3 hour phone call, with. the first 2 hours, going badly. quite a bit of raised voices, several, you just dont get it, yeah, I seemed normal because i was playing a part, I was pretending, I was lying, to myself and everyone else.. And I was not doing it anymore. I told her, I had moved out, and I had been on HRT for 11months, that I no longer looked like the way she remembered me. yeah, those 2 hours, not good..
Where it turned.. good.. I had been crying pretty hard.. trying to just.. speak.. I managed to whisper.. "you know, I love my name.. I mean, I really, love, my name. Thank you, so much, for picking it. But who am I named for?"
She told me "You are named Paula for your great aunt (who I really loved), and Christine, well, she was my best friend that lived across the street, and I really like her name" hmmmm, ok.. I'll buy that.. (It's one of our family names.. we have about 6 or 7 girls, and boys names that are in nearly every family members names.. Marie, Ann, Christine, Margaret, Mary.. Joseph, Michael, John, Stephen/Steven). I said that, it is the name, I will be legally changing to, I hope by Jan 1st. New Year, new beginnings. Mom said, well you cant change your birth certificate name. I replied, you can, in several states but NJ is not one, nor can I change my marker, "thank you Gov. Christie, you dirtbag" as NJ -requires- SRS to change a B/C marker. It would have been either SRS or irreversibly chemically changed (HRT), but that was vetoed (thank you Gov. Christie, you dirtbag) Mom asked if I would do it. I said, "Mom.. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but, honestly, I think, if someone knocked on my door and told me, "hey, your surgery, is all paid for, and, (either) here are your letters, (or) we have done away with the two letter requirement, you're good to go" I would be down the road so fast, I would stop aging.
She said, "well, it would hurt you more than it would hurt me.." at first, I smiled.. then. giggled a little, a chuckle, she followed with a laugh, then a guffaw.. I skipped that and went right to full-on-laughing. Here, my mom, after all the yelling and crying, and pleading the two hours before.. said something, so funny, yet, so poignant, profound, and relevant, I just could not keep from laughing. We did nothing but laugh, back and forth for about 5 minutes. It was the closest we had been in 7 months.
She asked, when was I able to come down to visit (I used to fly into her nearby city every week, rent a car, drive two hours to her house stay over night, fix a few things, then drive back to our destination city, and fly back out.)
She asked, when. could. I. come. to. vist. Mom, you told me you can not see me dressed as a female, and I will not show up in guys clothes, it is just not going to happen.
"Well, dont have to wear a dress, you can wear jeans and a nice top.." So, there is was.. the first opening, from her. I can not believe what i heard. I began to really tear, my voice cracked, could barely get out "well, thats ok, I'm not a dress-kinda girl, it is jeans and tees, sneakers or boots, that is my style" (think soccer mom). She said, "that sounds fine".
So that was the opening, the offer, the outstretched hand, the.. olive branch, maybe?
My sister had told me months ago, she will not see me if I am dressed, in any fashion, nor will she let her kids see thier .. uncle.. that way either. I had told her, "Well, I am sorry, then, you will not see me, at all" I told mom this. And since Mom watches my sisters kids (she lives right next door!), would she tell her that I am coming next month, and it does not matter what she tell them, but since mom has them for most of the afternoon, my sister will either have to make other arraingments, or tell the kids what is happening to their .. uncle.. (kids are like.. 5 and 10). I said, "Mom, I really have changed.. a lot". She said it didnt look like it as she saw a pic that I sent my sister. I answered.. "that picture (I knew which one) was shot in january, Mom.. this.. is September. But I have one from.. Sunday.."
"Send it to me, then, would you?" The pic in question, is my avi.. <--- over there. not -anything- like she has ever seen me look like before. So I emailed it to her. I have not heard back. Now, I think i look.. eh... ok.. not really passing yet.. no makeup, other than the lipgloss.. still a bit of work needed.. few more laser sessions.. but its me.. now.. today.. this moment. I told my sister, "I will not send it to you. If you want to see it, you will have to look in moms FB." I told Mom, I will offer a link to Paul'as FB page (hate talking in 3rd person), I will leave it to you, if you want to veiw it, add me, or not.. I wont force this. (well, she has not friended me yet)
I texted the "sis, make other plans for the kids that week, b/c I will be in the house, and while I wont be in a dress, I wont be in guys clothes. She texted back, Mom told me." but nothing else. I am not changing anything to suit her. 1) ii isnt her house, 2) it isnt her life. If she wants kids sheltered, she will have to keep them away from Grammy's those few days I will be there.
So..
* daughter talking to me again.
* shopped for clothes, cute tops and boots, got muttered comments, ignored them.
* spoken to, as if I were female,
* Mom, speaking to me again, reaching out, made a funny, asked me to visit,
* sister, still closed off.
A LOT has happened this weekend!!
