My own "Well, it's over"

[AnneB]

Thank you Jess..  this meant quite a bit, and everything you wrote resonated with truth and clarity also.  We both said, give it time.  That I will, as it is all I have to give.  And there is the freedom, tho now, no longer financial freedom.. to live out from under the threat, or uncertainty of what the hell will happen next.

Sad, yes, definitely, some relief, and a little happiness (very little) but that too will grow, like these things here (pointing, you can imagine where).  so..  deep breath..  ok.. what's next..  :/

[Eva Marie]

Well, tonight, the inevitable happened..  a lawyer, for my wife, emailed me the separation and divorce papers.  I am both, very sad, and somewhat happy..  nah, not happy at all.  I knew this was coming, either her or I was going to do this, I knew it was -not- going to get better, nor go away.. so.. idk.. 

not even being gendered correctly over the last couple weeks, or finally being fulltime can make this any better.  so, resigned i am, to the inevitable..

Paula-

What a journey you have had! Up and downs and some sideways too.

Having recently gone through the same thing I think I know where you are right now with this - just keep in mind the final goal when these things happen (and they will happen), keep your head up, and keep moving forward no matter what happens. Its your time now and you must put your own well being as a first priority. You will get through this and there is a great life after divorce, but you have to endure the bad stuff to get to that life.

And time lessens the pain too. I had all kinds of conflicting emotions and thoughts and feelings when my split was happening (we were married 27 years), but now I simply wish her well in her new life. She found a guy and she seems happy now - and I get to be an authentic person for the first time in my life. We are still friendly too which helps.

My life is pretty good now - yours will be too - just stay the course and stay strong and don't let those doubt demons tell you otherwise.

[AnneB]

Thank you Eva.. I am sorry you went thru your battle as well..  AZ has No-Fault, tho that is NOT why I moved us here, contrary to what my soon-to-be -ex thinks.. this is just whre I work..  but one of the things high on the Hit List is that I did move them away from her family.. tha, could not be helped, as the commute across the country every week, to be home from 12-17hrs each week was really taking its toll on me.  Hindsight, always better than 20/20..

[Jess42]

Thank you Jess..  this meant quite a bit, and everything you wrote resonated with truth and clarity also.  We both said, give it time.  That I will, as it is all I have to give.  And there is the freedom, tho now, no longer financial freedom.. to live out from under the threat, or uncertainty of what the hell will happen next.

Sad, yes, definitely, some relief, and a little happiness (very little) but that too will grow, like these things here (pointing, you can imagine where).  so..  deep breath..  ok.. what's next..  :/

You are so welcome Paula. Just make sure you do the grieving part because that will indeed bring some closure. I quote, "uncertainty of what the hell will happen next." Well that is the magic and adventure of life. Your probably not even thinking of it now but who you may meet that will truly love you for you and who you truly are. It is all up to you and no one else in the mix. You are now in charge of your own destiny. I make it sound so much like a romantic adventure and its pretty far from that but that is true life and the freedom to be in control of yourself.

Me personally, I like the uncertainty. I like not knowing what will happen next. Taking it day by day because anything can happen and tomorrow may never come. I try to worry about tomorrow when it gets here. But you still have your career, one of which not ever or anyone can do. So that is a plus. And that career you have, I put my life in yours and everyone else's when I have to travel in that mode. And I am a control freak. And I don't care who are at the controls as long as they can get me where I need to go safely. Besides you live in Arizona. OMG How freaking cool is that? One of my favorite states aside from Wyoming, sorry though Wyoming beats it even though the bad thing that happened there in the late 90's. That was kind of disappointing but times have changed.

What's next? That is the easy answer. You. Paula Christine unleashed or unrepressed. The world is yours, take it and make it your own. Or at least your little piece of it. If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you and anyone else. Nothing offends or makes me dysphoric other than my own self, so let 'er rip if you need to.

[JulieBlair]

Hi Paula,

I read this thread a couple of weeks ago, but it was too raw with what was going on in my life and I frankly fled.  I have had a lot of tears, and sorrow with the ending of my marriage, which in hindsight was misplaced. But feelings are what they are, and to deny them is to go back into the darkness of denial and suppression of  who I am.

There has been some chat here about if the shoe was on the other foot - If my wife had after years of fear and introspection determined that in her core she was a man would I have been able to deal with it, assuming I was straight?  It is a little difficult because I am both gender and sexually queer, but you know what?  I think I could, and even if I could not, I know I would honor the person, and if parting was needed I would try to do so with respect and equity.  I think it comes down to who we are as people on a path towards authenticity.

It seems to me that love, if it is real, is both forgiving and accepting.  It is not necessary for us to live under conditions that are the antithesis of our personal beliefs, hopes, and desires.  But if we truly believe in the rightness of partnering with another human being, the parting of the life path should not be filled with invective and anger.  Both of us have had to deal with those conditions, and I am both sorry for our spouses, and grateful that we have a place where the acceptance and support is unconditional.

I must follow my spirit because not to do so is to declare myself not worthy of happiness and not worthy of life.  I am worthy of both and so are you.  We are people who have chosen to recognize that which already was and to find  unsuspected resources to pursue the light.  Just writing our thoughts, hopes and dreams here is one of those places of recognition and learning.  There have been many times in my life when I sought out sordid places hoping to find companionship and approval.  What I found was death.

You are a pilot.  You fly in real time, and now you have begun the spiritual flight to a person who lives as authentically as they can imagine.  To live in honesty is to finally, after years or decades, fulfill our destiny.  It is inconceivable to me that such a quest does not go beyond the realization of self to the realization of the soul.  I am proud of everyone who has the courage and the stamina to become who they authentically are, and that includes our significant others in whatever path they need to follow.  I have gone from sadness, loss, and resentment to acceptance and peace.  I don't know if you have arrived there yet, but with persistence and prayer you will.

I wish you peace,

Julie 

[helen2010]

Hi Paula,

There has been some chat here about if the shoe was on the other foot - If my wife had after years of fear and introspection determined that in her core she was a man would I have been able to deal with it, assuming I was straight?  It is a little difficult because I am both gender and sexually queer, but you know what?  I think I could, and even if I could not, I know I would honor the person, and if parting was needed I would try to do so with respect and equity.  I think it comes down to who we are as people on a path towards authenticity.

It seems to me that love, if it is real, is both forgiving and accepting.  It is not necessary for us to live under conditions that are the antithesis of our personal beliefs, hopes, and desires.  But if we truly believe in the rightness of partnering with another human being, the parting of the life path should not be filled with invective and anger.  Both of us have had to deal with those conditions, and I am both sorry for our spouses, and grateful that we have a place where the acceptance and support is unconditional.

I must follow my spirit because not to do so is to declare myself not worthy of happiness and not worthy of life.  I am worthy of both and so are you.  We are people who have chosen to recognize that which already was and to find  unsuspected resources to pursue the light.  Just writing our thoughts, hopes and dreams here is one of those places of recognition and learning.  There have been many times in my life when I sought out sordid places hoping to find companionship and approval.  What I found was death.

You are a pilot.  You fly in real time, and now you have begun the spiritual flight to a person who lives as authentically as they can imagine.  To live in honesty is to finally, after years or decades, fulfill our destiny.  It is inconceivable to me that such a quest does not go beyond the realization of self to the realization of the soul.  I am proud of everyone who has the courage and the stamina to become who they authentically are, and that includes our significant others in whatever path they need to follow.  I have gone from sadness, loss, and resentment to acceptance and peace.  I don't know if you have arrived there yet, but with persistence and prayer you will.

I wish you peace,

Julie

Paula

There will be tough times ahead but it does get better.  Julie (as usual) states this best - you are worthy of happiness and you deserve to have the opportunity to realise yourself and your soul.

Safe travels

Aisla

[AnneB]

Julie, hon, I am so sorry that this cut so deep, I know, many of us go thru the same thing, but the depth, can go from shallow to very deep, anywhere in btwn.  She had asked me this very thing, what if I had decided to do this (instead of me).. I told her I would remain.  I know I would.  She (like me) would still be the same (or close to) spirit that I fell for..  there was a meme on FB this morning.. that said, you do not fall for someone's looks, or their laugh, or anything else, you fall for someone because they sing a song that only your heart hears.  I agree.  Absolutely.

Aisla... thank you, also, sis.  I know I'm not the only one in this fight, we all have our levels of combat, our own levels of pain.  Having friends to lean on, or even those that only say, "sorry what you are going thru"  .. well, it helps too.

What lies ahead.. I don't know.  I have to battle my homophobic, transphobic, benighted, ignorant cousin that thinks I am a danger to myself and others so I was pulled from my trips for the month.  Yeah, he really did that..  He is going to find out what defamation of character, and financial harm means.  I now have to defend myself against "the machine" that is the Gov't.  Tho, my ammo is pretty good... psych evals, that should make it clear, I am sane, and no danger.  And on top of all that, find a lawyer to assist in my separation from my wife.  Lotta stuff..  But as long as I finally like what I see in the mirror in the morning, I'm good.