Could low-dose HRT work for me?

[KindOfBlue]

Greetings,

I'm new here.  I will be sure to read the forum rules.   

I am 42, 6'5", 245 lb, and I believe I am a big girl at heart.  Like many who are coming to terms with GID after years of repression, I am confused and struggling with my dysphoria and its source.  I worry there is a lot I don't know about being a girl in society, but I am trying to trust what I feel and not intellectualize my way out of this.

I have been married for 18 years to a wife I love dearly.  I am also the father to two boys in elementary school.  I don't want to continue to be a grumpy spouse, or suffer my kids hyperactivity with unfair resentment for what I am giving up to play father to them, or not allow myself to feel life because I am repressing my emotions.  I want to be emotionally healthier and positive for them.

My wife continues to love me and be attracted to my male body despite knowing how I identify and having seen me dressed in female clothing.  I get emotional pleasure from satisfying her in bed, and am satisfied with retaining functioning genitalia that support that intimacy.

I work in agricultural science, but in a conservative sector of agriculture that does not openly accept the LGBTQ spectrum.  My creativity as a scientist is a strong part of my identity as well, so I worry about how complete transitioning would affect my overall sense of contentment.

Given this context, what I have read from the two or three members here who feel they improved their quality of life with low-dose HRT is very interesting to me.  I identify strongly with the angst they described before starting HRT.  I think I might be satisfied with a little more hair on top, a little less hair on the body, and most importantly a brain running on a little less T and a little more E.

I wonder about the continuing experiences with the low-dose approach.  I am also wondering, since I have not seen it discussed, how your spouses, who I assume identify as strictly hetero, have been able to deal with your physiological changes.  Has having a happier spouse ultimately compensated for a somewhat more feminine physique?

I know I am playing with potent hormones, frequent monitoring and rebalancing may occur, and my mileage may vary.  I also know that even low-dose may push me into complete transition -- although if that occurs I believe I would have to accept it's inevitability.  But I would appreciate very much your experience and guidance.

Thank you in advance.  You are a very classy group of individuals and I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your posts.

[Jessica Merriman]

A big warm welcome to the family! I would highly suggest you do what many of us did and find a good Therapist preferably with gender experience. In most places you will have to have a letter from one to get on any HRT. There are some informed consent places, but with all you will face please do not rush to get on HRT without a plan and counseling. You will have so much to face and a support system is a must. My personal story is I lost a 16 year marriage and a daughter to transition. My son did stay with me and has been my rock though. I found a really good Therapy team at Oklahoma State University and they have made all the difference between success and failure. Many do have their symptoms relieved by low dose HRT, but like you hinted many went on to high dose HRT after experiencing low dose and are fully transitioning. I will tell you that Gender Dysphoria does not go away and gets stronger every year. I will also say when one gets a taste of HRT it almost becomes a drug and they go further than they ever intended in transitioning. When you feel normal you just want to stay there and everything else can got neglected and plans can change. I would have a long talk with your wife and let her know you would like to see a Therapist for this issue. If you wait until on HRT it can cause severe trust issue's from that point on in the relationship. Please let your feelings be know as soon as possible and be prepared for bad reactions. I hope that does not occur and it may not, just be prepared. 

[Emily1996]

Well a low dose will eventually make you develop breast and other changes in the long run. Maybe it will take more time, but the "manly body" your wife loves will then go bye-bye. That being said you can still be present to your children life and be happy. Just don't expect everyone to put up with your demands. If your wife sees changes that she doesn't like and threatens to leave you then don't be mad with her. She married a man. I don't mean to sound rude, just saying what the reality is. You need to talk with her about the whole thing of hormones, and tell her how things are clearly. Do not waste her time, and don't let her waste yours. Life is short. Hope everything will be alright and good luck!

[KindOfBlue]

Hi Jessica,

Thank you for your warm welcome.  Communicating here is a big step for me.  I hope this is the appropriate forum for these questions.

It is important I add I have worked with a therapist for four years, including transgender feelings I was confronting several years ago.  I have been working since July with a gender specialist.  It has been very productive to sort out these feelings.

My wife has been aware of my struggle almost since the beginning of out marriage.  I think maybe she was more aware of my repression and issues more many times than I could admit them to myself.

Our communication is open.  I am committed to maintaining and building trust between us.  She is the absolute love of my life and I believe the feelings are mutual at the time being.  Sadly, I know I would not be the first person to devastate a strong relationship this way, were I to transition to an extent that was unacceptable to her. 

I am not in a rush to get on HRT for the physical changes as much as the mental peace, paradoxically so I can be better to my family.  I wonder whether I should explore other anti-anxiety or antidepressant medication (currently taking both) that might promote peace.  Or meditation / spiritual growth. 

[KindOfBlue]

Emily,

Thank you for your reply.  Your points are well-taken, I know them to be true, and I need to know how much I am deluding myself.

I think what scares me most is guessing wrong.  I have so much to lose -- don't we all -- by guessing wrong.  I suppose what. I would ideally do is go out and do some part time RLE experimentation -- but I don't know how to begin.  I plan to start attending regional support groups.

If it must be it must be, I just hope I am right about what is in my heart.

[Jessica Merriman]

I will say in my case HRT alleviated all symptoms of depression, anxiety and even PTSD from my career. As a Paramedic I found anti depressants to actually make depression worse in my patients. All they do is mask the symptoms, they do nothing to resolve the issue causing it. My opinion is to tackle the source and not just cover it up to be dealt with another day. It is of course between you and your health care provider. I am glad you have a Therapist! 

[Emily1996]

I understand how that is, and I wish you good luck. The only thing that I want to stress about is that you wife doesn't own you any favor and she should be able to get her life together and maybe find another partner in time. Instead of wasting her time, if she doesn't want to be married to a woman. So you need to understand where you want to go with you transition fast, because it's not only about you. Plus, if you really want to transition after your RLE, I don't think you'll be happy enough with just a low dose, but it's different for everyone so yeah. Good luck again.

You should try to talk with you therapist and support groups, and maybe try to dress femme for those occasions so that you can see how it is, and you won't be judged in those places I hope.

[luna nyan]

Hi KindofBlue,

Many in your situation, including myself.  Have a browse through threads in the non-binary section as well as the non-transitioning.  Lots of good information from others previous experiences there that may give you an indicator of what you may be wrestling with.

Personally, I've been on low dose for 2 1/2 years, although it can be argues that I'm on a transition dose ATM.  I've laid out my experience in the thread in my sig.  Hope it might give you some perspective.

Good therapy, and an understanding support group may really help you if you're not sure.  I went into low dose with a clear treatment objective in mind, and it's working for now.

[Monica Jean]

KindofBlue,

We have much in common!  I was thinking the same thing regarding a low does of HRT...sort of a best-approach for a middle-ground living experience.  However, I'm abandoning the middle-ground mindset after reading much on the subject. Jessica has stated eloquently what many have experienced, including herself:

I will tell you that Gender Dysphoria does not go away and gets stronger every year. I will also say when one gets a taste of HRT it almost becomes a drug and they go further than they ever intended in transitioning.

And, as Jessica said, find a good therapist to talk it through at first. She's right again

[helen2010]

.....I believe I am a big girl at heart.  Like many who are coming to terms with GID after years of repression, I am confused and struggling with my dysphoria and its source. I don't want to continue to be a grumpy spouse, or suffer my kids hyperactivity with unfair resentment for what I am giving up to play father to them, or not allow myself to feel life because I am repressing my emotions.  I want to be emotionally healthier and positive for them.

My wife continues to love me and be attracted to my male body despite knowing how I identify and having seen me dressed in female clothing.  I get emotional pleasure from satisfying her in bed, and am satisfied with retaining functioning genitalia that support that intimacy.

Given this context, what I have read from the two or three members here who feel they improved their quality of life with low-dose HRT is very interesting to me.  I identify strongly with the angst they described before starting HRT.  I think I might be satisfied with a little more hair on top, a little less hair on the body, and most importantly a brain running on a little less T and a little more E.

I wonder about the continuing experiences with the low-dose approach.  I am also wondering, since I have not seen it discussed, how your spouses, who I assume identify as strictly hetero, have been able to deal with your physiological changes.  Has having a happier spouse ultimately compensated for a somewhat more feminine physique?

I know I am playing with potent hormones, frequent monitoring and rebalancing may occur, and my mileage may vary.  I also know that even low-dose may push me into complete transition -- although if that occurs I believe I would have to accept it's inevitability.  But I would appreciate very much your experience and guidance.

Thank you in advance.  You are a very classy group of individuals and I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your posts.

This is a complicated issue as we all have slightly different narratives, situations, identities and lived experiences.

First low dose hrt has been enormously beneficial and absolutely enough to keep my dysphoria at bay.  I have become nicer, I am happier and my relationships remain intact, if not stronger.  Low dose appears to have worked for binary and non binary folk.

Others however  have found that low dose convinced them that they needed to fully transition.  In some cases this has been without fall out, unfortunately in other cases there has been significant stress and loss.

Your identity, priorities, reaction to low dose hrt, dreams, priorities, relationships will be different to ours.  No one narrative necessarily applies.  The only one that should apply is yours.

Starting low dose hrt if you are trans* and have a competent endo and therapist can be diagnostic and it can be stopped if net benefits are not forthcoming.

Whatever you choose to do, good luck and if we can help please reach out.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Stochastic]

Hello KindOfBlue

It is great that you have been seeing a therapist to help sort out your feelings. It is also good that you are seeking help on low dose HRT. Very good advice from forum members. Here are a few thoughts from my low/moderate dose HRT experience.

I am also the father to two boys in elementary school.  I don't want to continue to be a grumpy spouse, or suffer my kids hyperactivity with unfair resentment for what I am giving up to play father to them, or not allow myself to feel life because I am repressing my emotions.  I want to be emotionally healthier and positive for them.

I was in a similar state that you was at. I needed to be there for my family, and I was failing at my duties as a parent and spouse. There were many times when I could not get out of bed because of my dysphoria-related chest tightness and headaches. HRT did what other medicines could not. I am now ready to take on challenges as a parent which is good because I now have an early teen .

Even with unfortunate situations like Jessica Merriman, I know that she is now the best mother a son could have. You have a big heart for considering family in your decision.

My wife continues to love me and be attracted to my male body despite knowing how I identify and having seen me dressed in female clothing.  I get emotional pleasure from satisfying her in bed, and am satisfied with retaining functioning genitalia that support that intimacy.

Only 7 months into HRT here is my experience so far which may/may not be similar to others here. Intimacy has improved, but it is much different. Sex is great when it happens, and function is still there. However, we would much rather snuggle up next to the TV or in bed than have sex. It may be due to the my physical changes, our emotional changes, or combination of both.

I wonder about the continuing experiences with the low-dose approach.  I am also wondering, since I have not seen it discussed, how your spouses, who I assume identify as strictly hetero, have been able to deal with your physiological changes.  Has having a happier spouse ultimately compensated for a somewhat more feminine physique?

I need to be up front in that we have a mixed bag of emotions right now. In general, we are much happier now than before, but it has been difficult for my wife to adjust to not just the physiological changes but he emotional changes as well. I find that with HRT I get moody when managing multiple stresses in my life (did I mention I have a teen). There is also an intense desire for more changes that I have to manage every day. We have recently reaffirmed our commitment to stay together, but we recognize the challenges ahead of us. If not occurring already, I would suggest that your wife seek therapy as well if you are seriously considering HRT.

You are a very classy group of individuals and I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your posts.

Same here. I am forever thankful for the people here and know you will share your continued successes with the group. Take good care of yourself and family.

[JoanneB]

There is nothing wrong with guessing wrong. That is how you learn and grow. Low dose HRT has been a life saver for me several times over my multi decade long struggle of surviving "normalcy".

If you run the experiment and the desired results are not achieved then OK, the experiment failed, try something else. The great thing about low dose HRT is it takes many many months, if ever, to be affected physically. The purpose of low dose HRT is for the emotional/mental benefits, which tended to happen fairly quickly for me. The physical side effects started manifesting themselves about 3 months in with sexual function. Things were leaning towards not "normal" down there. So time to stop. If estrogen isn't right for you, you'll likely figure that out right away also. Just look into the history of curing gays in the UK, the most notable being Alan Turing.

This brain reset, as I call them, would help for years keeping the depression and anxiety at bay. The dysphoria was always there, but more in the background and not constantly in my face.

I've been on HRT for about 6 years now. Low dose just wasn't right for me anymore after a lot of introspection, self discovery, and working on my emotional health. While my wife was and still is a little taken aback by my baby boobies, that is a small price compared to how much better of a person I am today. Actually, just BEING a person was a major improvement over the lifeless, soulless machine I grew to become.

[Monica Jean]

Actually, just BEING a person was a major improvement over the lifeless, soulless machine I grew to become.

Joanne, I was that until 2 weeks ago.  Years of deep depression, anxiety, fear, emotion-burying, denial, no intimacy, no sex... those days are over.  Why is this such a predominant trait of TG women?  It breaks my heart

[KindOfBlue]

Hello Again and thank you for your thoughtful responses.  I still don't have answers but I am learning more about myself.  I attended my first TG support group meeting last Sunday and met many wonderful people.  And for a few hours I could let me guard down without feeling like I was being judged or offending others.  So that is what life is supposed to feel like!! 

Came home, and the old guards went up.  So I have done a lot of thinking about the authenticity and openness of existence.  My counselor has talked about these things, but I really didn't get a gut feeling for them until this week.

Any HRT is off the table as far as my wife is concerned, and she has also drawn the line at shaving legs or laser beard removal. There are many timeswhen I want to say **** it! move out, and transition all the way.  Then I look around at this life I have built, what we have achieved after so many years of moving around, and I want so hard to make this situation last. No different than what everyone else here has experienced, I am sure.  No one goes through this deliberation for fun.

Most of the time I don't know what to think. I want to be myself, and I don't want the shame that comes with making my wife uncomfortable, even when she puts up with me.  I'm not yet ready to bulldoze everything either, though.

To be continued...

[JoanneB]

Most of the time I don't know what to think. I want to be myself, and I don't want the shame that comes with making my wife uncomfortable, even when she puts up with me.  I'm not yet ready to bulldoze everything either, though.

To be continued...

Welcome to my world! My dearest oldest friends, Shame and Guilt hate to be ignored. Thankfully Fear is always by my side to (dis)comfort me.

I am glad to see you went to a TG support group meeting. My first ever one totally blew me away. By month three I knew I needed to be there and that I was already negligent in telling my wife what's been up. A couple of very special people there helped me tons more early on then anything else.

My wife was far from thrilled about HRT. Today she probably still wishes it wasn't needed, but we both can very well see otherwise. It took time. Between my telling her about the TG group and then there were plenty of open and honest talks, tears, and angst. Both of us waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop.

My best advice for now is to go slow. Always keep in mind that we spent a lifetime just trying to get some sort of a handle on who/what we are. After totally turning our SO's world upside down, they have had next to no time to come to grips with this. Plenty of open honest talks are needed while continuously discovering the ever changing line of TMI. HRT may be "off the table" today, tomorrow is yet to arrive. One thing and one thing only you can rely on never changing is things never changing, now that you opened up and are actively doing things to help heal yourself.

The following also goes towards Michelle's question. We spent a lifetime living up to a totally unrealistic image of what we should be. To the extent that there was no longer a me, just the image that must be reinforced at all costs. An image that over time evolves to be almost a caricature. A Hollywood facade. Yet all too real for us. In fact, the only means of barely surviving. You live in fear of someone, anyone, seeing through the charade, of seeing your deep dark secret. The image must be preserved at all costs, even if it means you must die inside to preserve it.