Hello all,
I'll start off by explaining a bit about myself. I am a 23 year old biological male from the UK. I first had same-sex thoughts when I was around 14, and accepted myself as gay at around the age of 20. For around 6 months I was at peace with that decision, although levels of stress did begin to rise. I noticed myself become snappy, and lose interest in a lot of hobbies that previously held much joy for me. I have also felt detached from my emotions for some time. This continued to the present day. I have not come out to anyone I am close to, but I did come out at work. I think I found it easier to come out at work because these are people I did not previously know (I came out 2 months into the job) and therefore there opinions don't matter as much to me. I have always found it surprising that I haven't come out to anyone close to me, as I'm sure they would be shocked but accepting. After coming out at work, I initially felt better but then the same old feelings of depression and lack of interest returned throughout my life.
Anyway, on Friday the 5th of September I was having a conversation with my mum about transexualism. I went to bed that night with it on my mind. While lying in bed, a sudden feeling of realisation and dread came over me that I was transgender in some way. I have had this once before, when I was 20, but woke up the next day having shaken it off as a silly thought. However, this was not the case in this incidence. Ever since that thought, my behaviour has changed. I have almost constant anxiety, which means I often have to lock myself in the toilet to compose myself. I have gone from being an extremely social person to having social anxiety, essentially overnight. I no longer want to see my friends or have much human contact. For the first 2 days, I had a really weird sensation of looking in the mirror and thinking the person wasn't me. Although this has died down now, I still feel awkward looking into the mirror. I also got nervous when I saw a woman out in public, and started testing myself to see how I would feel as a woman. I have completely lost my appetite, and have eaten maximum one meal a day since the thought. I have also lost all my sex drive and have not had a natural erection since. I wake up feeling nauseous every morning, which is a horrible feeling. I stay indoors all day, searching symptoms of ->-bleeped-<- and if I am one. Even when I go out, I am constantly searching and researching on my phone to see if transgender thoughts can come suddenly and overnight.
The confusing part is I would not choose to be a woman. Before this I felt perfectly happy in my male body, albeit without a strong sense of gender identity. When I was highly anxious, and felt like I couldn't cope I tried cross-dressing. Although this temporarily relieved the anxiety, it didn't feel right, and I couldn't recognise myself. I don't have a huge need to do it again. I like having a penis, and previously enjoyed seeing myself naked in the mirror. I also can't imagine having breasts or a vagina, and feel no burning need to have them. I have just felt uncomfortable ever since I had the thought, and have been thinking of almost nothing else for 2 and a half weeks. I am starting University again in a week, and just want this feeling to go away so I can get on with my life as a man. I have tried fantasising about life as a woman, and it doesn't really hold any pleasure for me. I don't get any jealousy when I see a female. I also don't mind being referred to as "he" or "mate", but now I panic when I hear these and question whether I do mind. I would far rather be a gay man, it's just my brain is telling me I might be a woman.
Regarding my early childhood, I enjoyed playing with females as well as males, but my teachers would always comment on how well I got on with females. Puberty was an OK time for me, and most of my friends were male. I would never have even dreamed of questioning my gender at this time. I also never cross-dressed, or even thought about it, except for a drama pantomime production.
Sexually I am submissive and I wonder if this is what is causing some of these problems.
I am wondering what is causing this, and if anyone else has experienced sudden gender discomfort. I do have an active imagination, and seem to spend a lot of time questioning myself anyway. Have I really repressed transgender feelings for 23 years? Am I just a feminine gay man confused about what this means? I really don't want to transition and spend the rest of my life as a female, but even typing this out I am worried I am in denial about my true self. I am also questioning whether my detachment and depression could be linked to undiagnosed dysphoria, as opposed to originating from the stress of being in the closet.
Please help me if you can, I am at my wits end. I want my gay identity, appetite and social life back. This really is having a negative impact on my health.
I apologise for the length of this but really wanted to let it all out! I have just come to terms with being a gay man, and was about come out, but I don't want to with this all up in the air!
Many thanks in advance.
