Jen,
Don't give up hope. The differences in womens' feelings are vast and diverse. If you haven't heard of it, take a look at the Kinsey Scale (
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale). I've only recently started learning more about it, but my therapist explained to me that women tend to move around on the scale much more throughout their lives than men do.
There are plenty of cliches out there, like "there's someone for everyone," but the thing is.. I feel like they're mostly true. As much as a large part of society tries to make things black and white, male and female, heterosexual and heterosexual (no, that's not a typo.. if you're in this group, you should know who you are by now), things just aren't that binary. There are a significant percentage of women out there that are exclusively heterosexual (or at least unwilling to explore other alternatives). I'm married to one of them, and doesn't make things easy for us. But there are women out there who fall farther away from the heterosexual side of the Kinsey Scale. They /are/ out there.
I'm happy to hear you're exploring your feelings more. I know it's hard to be alone and lonely, sometimes, but I think you'll find that the happier you are with yourself, the happier those around you will be with you. My wife has been much more receptive to confidence in my decisions than being hesitant. She's not thrilled in either case, mind you, but it was harder on us when I "wasn't sure if it was something that I ever wanted to do." It was an ominous cloud looming over us, waiting to strike with a marriage severing bolt of lighting. Asking questions like "Do you mind if I..?" forced her in to the driver's seat, which just wasn't fair to her. Yes, she minds. If she says that, though, it hurts my feelings, so she's forced to encourage something that she's doesn't even necessarily want.
Our situation is different. We've been together for years. But I guess my point is this-- if you're up front about who you are and what you want, my guess is that it will ultimately be easier for you to find what you're looking for. If you start relationships as one thing and then change the nature of them a few months in, you're more likely to get mixed results. You might luck up on someone that's entirely understanding and encouraging, but you won't know until you decide to bring it up.
Does that make any sense at all?
P.S. Go see a therapist!! It scares me to death when people say they're self-prescribing HRT. The benefits you'll get out of a therapist are WAY beyond just acquiring a script for hormones.
