Greetings, salutations and ohai2u!
So it's been a while since I posted on here, and I thought I really should come check in, say "ohai!" again, and see how all you wonderful peeps are doing
As it's been a while, I apologise if this is in the wrong place (mods - feel free to move if you like
)
The past few months since I was last here has been rather busy - work has been piling it on as always, I've been learning to drive, I've arranged to move in with my two best friends at the end of October (hopefully in time for Halloween!
), and I've met a really lovely girl who seems pretty easy going and liberally-minded.
Perhaps most importantly though, my obsession with transitioning hasn't faded at all.. in fact, quite the contrary - it's stronger than ever! I find myself sitting at work or laying in bed at night dreaming up all the things I can do to express more of my inner female without resorting to surgery. How can I explore this more fully without alerting my friends and family just yet? How can I ease them into this so that it's not such a hammer-blow when I finally "drop the bombshell" on them?
My solution (I'm a problem-solver by nature - kinda one of the few "traditionally male" things about me lol
) is to introduce my feminine side to them one little piece at a time so that it's not so overwhelming for them when the time comes. My look has become increasingly androgynous over the past few months (I still look like a guy, but I'm progressing forwards, which is the main thing
), and I've been testing the waters somewhat by hiding my feminine mannerisms less and less.
I've also been testing the waters by asking my nearest and dearest some telling questions in subtle ways (a suggestion that you lovely peeps here at Susan's gave to me!
<3 ). For example - my folks recently (for some inexplicable reason) started watching re-runs of the 70's show
*M*A*S*H*. In it, a character called Klinger who cross-dresses as a woman with the idea being to try to get sectioned so he can go home (the show is set in a field hospital in during the Korean war, Klinger is one of the male nurses). I used the opportunity to point out to my parents that, since the 70's our understanding of the transgender condition has advanced and is no longer considered a mental illness, and I went on to explain a bit as to why while trying not to make a big deal out of it. I was rather delighted when they both agreed with my viewpoint!
Better still, mum even started talking about the spiritual / astrological side of things, and how (according to astrology and reincarnation), a female soul can indeed come in to life inhabiting a male body. Although I don't really believe in that kind of stuff myself, I was pleasantly surprised that we were speaking the same kind of language regardless
A couple of months ago too, I was in the car with dad and somehow the topic of gender came up. I took the opportunity to explain to him the difference between sex, gender and sexuality. I even took a bit of a risk and briefly pointed out how I've always felt kinda feminine. To my surprise, he laughed and said "yeh, I've always been quite feminine myself!". His family were convinced he was gay until he married my mum lol.
And then tonight as I was wishing them goodnight, something came up where mum made a joke about me being gay. I jokingly replied in a really camp voice "why, would it matter if I was?" lol. She replied in a more serious tone "no, of course not. It's your life, you can be whoever or whatever you want" and gave me a hug.
I've got the feeling that they're sensing the change in me, I just hope they're not getting the wrong end of the stick because I'm not interested in guys lol. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it though. For now, I'm feeling pretty happy at the open-minded, pro LGBT vibe that I'm getting from them, my friends and my closest co-workers. I'm starting to get some hope that - when I finally drop the bombshell with them all - it's not going to cause the huge schisms and rifts that I was initially expecting.
As for my own internal exploration - I've actually had a lot of fun in SecondLife running around and being unashamedly girly with a female avatar. I've always had female avatars in games because I just connect so much better with them, but I've always felt an obligation to admit my birth gender to those who ask. This time, I've been telling everyone I'm a girl IRL (when they've asked, of course), and it feels soooo sooooo awesome!
I'm far more clued up on gender now than I was before too. When I last posted here, my mind was in a linear "slider" kinda view on gender, with "Female" at one end, and "Male" on the other (and "Androgynous" in the centre). Now I see it as not even a grey-scale, but rather as a constellation of traits / abilities / ways of processing information about the world. Much like the stars in the sky, you can join a bunch of these together and give them a name (for example: the "Female" constellation), but everyone has a different constellation of personality traits etc, and it doesn't always (if ever) fit neatly into the commonly accepted constellations defined by others. This is why you might hear me using the term "Gender Constellation". I personally think that describes things far better, but what do you all think?
Oohooh! Nearly forgot - I got around to stripping *all* my body hair too! I'm restricted to using hair removal cream at the moment due to reasons of keeping under the radar, but when I move out I'm hoping to at least move on to waxing and preferably laser removal. The cream is quick and more effective than razors but it certainly doesn't last very long (I'm stubbly again before the day is even over! >_<), plus my skin doesn't like it a whole lot because it's quite sensitive
At least it's a step forward though, so now I'm not covered in a forrest like I once was. It's also revealed how feminine certain parts of my body like my legs and arms are already, so that's a huge bonus.
For now, online games and feminising myself on a subtle cosmetic level is probably the best I can do while I'm under my parents roof, but I've got big plans for when I move out ladies and gents, believe you me! The more time I'm spending in the virtual world where everyone knows me as female, the more feminine I'm presenting in real life, the more of my femininity I'm letting out of the cage - the more *free* and *genuine* I'm feeling! It's so great. I want to just click my fingers and have it all happen in an instant! Damnit, why can't changing genders in real life be as easy as it is in video games lol!
Sorry for the ramble, but I needed to put this all down somewhere.. I really should start a blog or something lol
Anyway, I really hope you're all well. All my love to you beautiful people! I could
*hug* you all to pieces just for simply existing!
<333
