My life is a mess. What should I do?

[boredrooster]

Hello everybody. I have recently acknowledged the fact that I'm transsexual. However, I am very timid with my transsexuality. (Male to female) I do not cross dress, I have only come out to 2 friends online and I do not identify myself as female or use a female name. I have been depressed as hell because I don't think I'll ever be able to transition. It's not that I'm scared of what my family thinks. It's that I can't come out due to family obligation. You see, my mother is mentally ill with paranoia schizophrenia. My situation was so bad that I had to go live with my father. If I transition, this is going to destroy her mental state. My father has given up so much for me to have my current life.  I can't disappoint him by telling him his only mentally stable, undergraduate engineering student son yearns to be a woman. My transgendered friend called me a coward for not living the life I want but nobody understands. Nobody understands the amount of obligation that is held on my shoulders. I have to finish my degree and I have to find a job so I can help support my mother in the future and my mentally ill brother when he goes on to college as well. Let's be realistic here. What engineering firm is going to hire a transgendered black female who just came out of engineering school with no real experience? I get so angry when people tell me I'm a coward or other things because I don't want to give my family anymore stress. I want to transition badly but I don't feel that I'll even remotely pass (I am to be 19 soon, horrible acne, hairy and fat, really tall as well :/). I can't consult a therapist due to the my transsexuality being a secret, so I decided to come here. I've felt this way since I was 15 years old but I thought it was just a phase or something like that. A lot of male oriented things dont really interest me. (For example: sports, trying to party all the time, the male idea of sex, male clothing, etc)

What should I do? I guess I just needed to vent. I'm a list soul who needs guidance.

[Ms Grace]

Hey!

Welcome to Susan's Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

It's early days for you, so never say never. I think it's admirable you want to be the rock of stability for your family but don't forget you have needs too. Gender dysphoria can be ignored and pushed down through increasingly onerous or self destructive methods, like many here they tried doing that for many years until the stress of it was too much to take. That's not to say you have to transition now or ever, but consider that this will be a feature for your whole life if you don't address it somehow. You say you can't see a therapist but the rest of your family doesn't need to know why you are seeing one, maybe just say that you are feeling depressed or stressed due to study and the like.

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Cheers

Grace

[boredrooster]

Thanks. When did you start transitioning? You look great! o.o

[katiej]

Transition is a long process.  We all want it yesterday, but it just takes time.  And for some of us it's a process of many years.  So perhaps getting through school and creating a solid life are the right first steps for you.  Just don't wait too long...gender dysphoria has a way of growing over time and getting worse.  It doesn't get better.

I would also recommend seeing a therapist for your own mental health.  Don't worry about your secret, confidentiality ensures that your secret won't leave their office.

[LizMarie]

You're making mistake number one that too many of us made, and later regret very very much - we lived our lives for someone else.

Not even relating to being trans, the number one regret of older people is not living their lives for themselves. That's overall, for everyone, not just trans people.

And my therapist hit me between the eyes with that proverbial two-by-four in my first session. "Do you want to die knowing you lived your entire life as a lie to satisfy someone else?"

If your father can't deal with you being trans, that's his problem, not yours. If your mother can't deal with you being trans, that's her problem, not yours.

Let me ask you a question -if your mother's symptoms consistently cleared up if you walked around naked with a chicken mask on your face, would you do that for her for the rest of your life? Yes, it's an absurd question, isn't it? Yet you assuming that you cannot be you to keep her from maybe getting worse, is no less absurd, is it?

Then let's think about another perspective - maybe your mom would improve by having a loving daughter in her life? How do you know it wouldn't?

You've made a huge number of unjustified assumptions and then used those assumptions to paint yourself into a corner so that you can rationalize not transitioning.

You need to see a therapist (preferably one trained in gender identity issues too), to tell everything to that therapist, and then to try to work honestly with that therapist wherever that leads you.


Because right now, quite frankly, it sounds to me like you are rationalizing not transitioning to avoid facing your own fears.

[suzifrommd]

Some thoughts:

* You can't control your mother's mental state. Don't try.
* No one, NO ONE, has a right to ask another person not to be who they are. Pretending simply takes too much of a toll.
* A lot of companies would LOVE to higher a black, female engineer, regardless of how queer they are. You're sort of lucky being an engineer. It's a field where skill is valued over interpersonal presentation.
* When applying to jobs, probably best, though, to choose companies that have a policy of acceptance toward LGBT. Most large companies do.

BUT

* You need to transition on your own time. Don't let anyone call you a coward, because they have NO RIGHT TO JUDGE YOU based on decisions you make. But please make sure your decisions are based on weighing pros and cons and not on fear.

Good luck, Rooster. Please keep posting. A lot of us were in situations similar to yours. You'll find that here you're not alone.

[Squircle]

When I came out to my parents, one of the things that upset them the most was that I'd been unhappy for so long, and that I'd felt unable to be honest with them about who I am. If you truly love someone you want to see them happy and fulfilling their potential. If you choose to live in a role you don't identify with, you could be denying yourself from reaching your full potential.

At the end of the day, you are 18, and it seems like either you or those close to you have planned out your life already, and assigned to you a pretty hefty chunk of responsibility. This is the age when you should be growing and figuring out who you are as a person. You do need to address this in some way, and the therapy is the obvious route to take. Talking things through will help you to get a bit of order into your thoughts and figure out a way forward, and that would surely be helpful for your studies as well, so you've nothing to lose.

Don't feel pressured into doing anything, transition is a massive thing and you should only do it when you feel ready.

[Athena]

I am a prisoner in my own mind. I am bound by a feeling of obligation myself. The only thing I can suggest is to make sure that you find a gender therapist. Perhaps if you have privacy find ways to dress at home to try to alleviate to some extent any dysphoria you might feel.

[kathyk]

OHG!  Coward?   You are no coward, and never let others make you think that way.  I've got nothing but praise for anyone who makes sacrifices for their family, or anyone else that needs help.  But with that said, we also have to help ourselves. 

You will find a way to move ahead at some point, and since you're posting here it looks like you want to find a way to set some goals.  A lot of things get in our way.  Be it family, education, employment, or money and savings.  So if your goal is to finish your engineering degree first, then commit to that and plan your future after graduation.

But, what I just told you doesn't mean "Ignore your needs."

Public Colleges and Universities in the US and Canada now have LGBT student support groups and resource centers.  Even the small school that I attended over 40 years ago has a Diversity Resource Center now (nothing when I was a student).  It's amazing how supportive the centers are, and it's heartwarming to see how the students strive to include everyone who wants a place to discuss life.  And you know what? ... They won't care if your not in transition.  Whether you find friends or just make acquaintances, these centers are a great place to start.

Don't worry, because you'll have a great future.  I was a Civil Engineer, and I'm sure you'll be a great engineer in your field.  One who cares about the job, and the people you work with.  I used to hire people who were committed to improving themselves, helping others and working for their futures.  And those who surmounted obstacles were always an asset ... and nearly every one of them was a superior employee.

Peace
Kathy

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi there

Cowardice has absolutely nothing to do with your situation.  Rather it is clear that you have a sense of responsibility and perspective that I admire enormously.  Your colour, your height, acne or extra kilos are all obstacles you could overcome when you are ready to confront them.  Truly.

As echoed by others, I believe that being a black female engineer would by no means be a disadvantage.

Some of us here knew who and what we were during university, but we managed to defer it and live successful lives until we were ready to confront it.  I first talked about becoming a woman in final year M.Eng., but it took me over 20 years before I was mature enough and ready to transition.  I do understand your dysphoria - we've all had it to a greater or lesser degree.  My advice would be to focus on your studies and career now, and to work with a therapist to allow you to function sucessfully- it may be possible to develop good coping mechanisms. 

Finish your studies, get a decent job, and then look seriously at transitioning.  We engineers are good at planning, so do this carefully and you will be able to achieve the self realisation you desire.  Meantime, there are things you can do to prepare the path ahead, such as getting yourself in shape and getting rid of hair if you have it.   And there's no reason why you can't start HRT while you are still studying, if you decide that this is something you want.  HRT is slow and fairly subtle for a lot of us, so people won't even notice.  And you'd probably have the added benefit that it would greatly reduce your acne!

Good luck!
Julia

[Bols]

Take your time and think about all the things that have been said. Try not to beat yourself up, and certainly try to find a balance that works with your obligations and YOU.
Also know that so many people, who haven't written, are still thinking of you... You came to the right place! Please don't pass up the possibility in getting help from a knowledgeable therapist.

[Donna Elvira]

Let's be realistic here. What engineering firm is going to hire a transgendered black female who just came out of engineering school with no real experience?

What should I do? I guess I just needed to vent. I'm a list soul who needs guidance.

Hi there,
You have already received plenty of excellent feedback from others so I'm not sure I can add a lot more of value, except maybe to amplify some of the previous remarks.

As both an engineer by training and a late transitioner, the first thing that comes to my mind is just how lucky you are to be studying a field that will open many doors to future employment. Thanks to diversity programmes in many major groups, you may even find it easier as a "transgendered" (but who needs to know?)  black female than others.

Also, having seen and experienced the difficulties many transgendered people encounter with employment, if you have to make a choice, I would strongly suggest you focus on getting your professional qualifications first and think about transition afterwards. With a decent job and salary in a decent company, you will find all aspects of transitioning far easier to manage than if you are struggling for material survival.

For what it's worth, most of my life I was a really driven person, investing myself totally in whatever I decided to undertake; in sports, studies, work, whatever... Looking back on that today, I think at least part of this was my way of avoiding having to confront myself with my gender identity issues. However, the upside of this is that I did pretty well at most things I chose to do thus giving me the means to make my own choices. Money = freedom so, given where you are today, putting yourself into a position where you can earn a decent living probably comes first.

Regarding your family issues, you are the only one who can decide what comes first, your need to transition or your feeling of duty to the other members of your family. The answer depends on your own personal hierarchy of values and I don't think any of us here can provide you with a clear cut answer to that dilemma. 

However, there is probably no need to force the issue now anyway, especially if you come to the conclusion that your best  option short term is to focus on your education. Again, that does not mean that you can't explore your gender identity more but again, as a late transitioner who also chose to transition slowly (6 years to transition completely), I often wonder how much of the collateral damage associated with transitioning doesn't come from the fact that many people try to go too fast, notably regarding the  time required by others to get on board.

Hoping you find some answers to your questions here and wishing you all the very best!
Donna

[katiej]

Also, having seen and experienced the difficulties many transgendered people encounter with employment, if you have to make a choice, I would strongly suggest you focus on getting your professional qualifications first and think about transition afterwards. With a decent job and salary in a decent company, you will find all aspects of transitioning far easier to manage than if you are struggling for material survival.

^^This!  And ^^This again!

Unemployment in our community is rampant, and it's largely because of this very issue.  Transition is often goal number one, and little thought is given to life after transition.  Transition in a professional environment is a delicate matter, but in today's equal opportunity climate it definitely is possible if done well.  And nothing matters as much as a solid education and a good professional track record.

[Julia-Madrid]

^^This!  And ^^This again!

Unemployment in our community is rampant, and it's largely because of this very issue.  Transition is often goal number one, and little thought is given to life after transition.  Transition in a professional environment is a delicate matter, but in today's equal opportunity climate it definitely is possible if done well.  And nothing matters as much as a solid education and a good professional track record.

I totally support what Katie has said, and Donna too, for raising many very insightful points.  If you choose to work in a socially sensitive company, with a decent distribution of women in positions other than support functions (sorry, but this is still too prevalent in traditionally male industries), then transition is fully possible.  Again, it's not common, and many places will need guidance.  I presented HR in my company with a 4-page scenario roadmap, and they were grateful. My transition went like clockwork. 

[boredrooster]

Thanks everybody for your advice. I guess I will wait until I'm 25 and have income and work experience to transition. This only depresses me more but life isn't fair so I guess I'll just have to deal with it. :p

[katiej]

Rooster, we're not necessarily saying to wait till you're 25.  We're just saying to consider the future before jumping in with both feet.  Have a plan in place and be methodical about it.  But there are things you can get started right now.  The first few steps are to talk with a therapist, educate yourself on the subject, start working on your voice, learn about makeup/fashion, etc.  So there's a lot you can do now to get started but without taking the big leap.

Another plus is that depending on the company you work for, and the state you live in, it may be possible to have insurance cover some or all of your trans-related healthcare...including surgeries.

To present a different scenario, I know of one transwoman who transitioned during business school.  She felt like the university atmosphere was very welcoming during transition, and then she began her career as a woman.  Admittedly, that scenario sounds really good to me, as it might have saved me the awkward mid-career transition.

[Cassie Soup]

I my be a bit late to the discussion but, my mom also suffers from schizophrenia. Its very hard, over the years and with the right medication and doctors she has gotten better aslong as she stays on her meds. I am m2f and she after a while seems to be coming around, on the other hand my dad not so much... Anyways I think you should do what you think is best and that makes you happy. Things wont always be bad, they do get better. Honestly I used to to frightened by my own mother, I know I sound like a broken record but, time spent going in the right direction makes things better, even if just a bit.

[Jen682]

I agree with others.  Professionally, it would be best to wait until after established in your career before transitioning.  Finding a job in a career field after school is tough.  If going through a transition in at the same time, the stress could be overwhelming.

As far as your mom goes, I understand your protective instincts.  I am not out to any of my 3 kids and my youngest son has schizophrenia (age 27).  His mother told him but I denied it but he suspects I CD.  He even asked me if I had a "double life".  In fact I do but I didn't want to come out to him, nor did I want to confuse his already confused state.  Also, I am not sure he has the ability to keep this secret.

I'm not sure it matters much.  Ultimately he will live his life and I mine -- and You yours.  If you are in the United States and your mom has been diagnosed with schizophrenia then I would assume she is disabled, unable to work, and would qualify for federal SSI assistance (Supplemental Security Income - Social Security).  My son gets USD$721 per month which goes to the group home for rent, plus the group home gets an additional $2500/month or so from Medicare.  All at no cost to him or me.

So try to not feel responsible for your mother.  It's a sad situation, but you have your own life to live.

Another thought -- Might transitioning after being established in your career be more difficult?  It might be better to have your school and early work experience be under the same name and sex.  I think that ultimately you will have to decide which is most important for you.  Profession or Transition.  If it comes down to eating and having a roof over my head, I'd probably go with Profession.  Once in a workplace, you're pretty well protected as a minority (trans) should you decide to undergo transition.

I hope this helps.  Good luck!

jen