trigger warning. i just want to go to sleep

[ElioAyla]

What do I have to offer the world?
I feel I have no place here. No Place. Out Cast.
Most humans I know seek to find a niche, a family, a click, a group, a subculture, a tribe, a group.

All I am is an outcast. I will never be anything else. I am cast out, rejected by and rejecting the society that I see as flawed, greed and fear based, sick with its' own gluttony.

   I don't belong here.
   I don't want any of this any more.

I drink more wine and listen to more Elliott Smith and try to figure out how to fulfill this destiny of mine, and none of these conventional options make any sense to me. I can't do this any more. My brain is scrambled, my mind is scattered, my body is foreign to me.

The only reasons I continue to wake up are my dog, this stupid survival instinct, and this strange whisper in my ear that tells me I have a greater purpose here. To open people's minds, even if they break open. To be a guide, a shaman to my people, the Outcast Tribe, every person who has ever been cast out.

But I don't know if I am strong enough to carry this Curse/Gift burden any longer.

I just want to go to sleep.
Back to unbecoming.

[Mark3]

Dear Elio,
I'm so sorry that you're feeling so low tonight... Many of us have had such low times...
I have suffered terrible depression, but had no one to talk to, no one that cared.. You have much more right here..

I know that there are no words that will make you feel better tonight, others words only make things worse sometimes..

Just know that there are people here that care about you, and will always be here to listen, no matter how you feel..
You are not alone in your pain..
We are here to help when you ask..
hugs,
Mark

[EchelonHunt]

"Just because you haven't got it all figured out, doesn't mean you never will. Some day you may even look back and wonder why you were ever worried."

Time, more introspection and hanging onto that desire you have of a greater purpose, throw all the negative self-talk out the window and you may be surprised by how quickly things change. This has worked for me and I eventually found my place at Susans here.

You are never alone. Support is always one click away.

[Bombadil]

I am sorry you are feeling so low. I wish I could come and sit with you for a while.

If it helps any, I went for a few years where the only reason I was alive was my dog. Life has gotten so much better for me. It can for you too. I know when people would say things like to me, during the dark times, I felt I was the exemption but that wasn't true for me and it's not true for you. You'll find your place/

[EchelonHunt]

I wanted to add that even if you feel and believe you are an outcast, none of us see or believe you to be an outcast.

You are loved and accepted here as one of us, regardless of how you identify.

[androgynouspainter26]

The world needs more outcasts in it.  Being one is more than reason enough to stay here.  The key is to find other outcasts, and build a family for yourself.

[Felix]

Your dog is a valid reason to not go to sleep for good. I have a cat, and nothing about my outlook or situation has ever altered his love for me. He's old, and when he dies I intend to get another small mammal so I can maintain the dynamic. Your survival instinct and higher purpose can drive you in addition to the pet that needs you.

[Taka]

be good to your dog, don't kill its owner. my daughter is the one who keeps me together, suicide has never been an option after i got her. it would hurt her immensly, and i'd never allow even myself to hurt her even just the tiniest bit. even if someone else might be a better owner or parent, the pets and children have already bonded, and there is no replacement in this whole world.

other than that... life is a well of possibilities. but it's up to each person to see and grasp the possibilities. it isn't always easy, depression clouds one's vision. but not seeing it doesn't mean the possibility doesn't exist. for me, the thing that finally got me out of slow self destruction, was the realization that the sky won't fall in my head no matter how much of a failure i am, and other people have gotten away with much worse mistakes than what i have made. beating myself up over something this insignificant to the rest of the world is pointless.

though i'll have to admit that it was good friends and the greatest boss ever who ended up helping me heal. i couldn't have done that on my own. all i could do was make the decision to stop hurting myself.

[Dread_Faery]

The desire for stillness lives in me too. It can be hard to fight some days and I've made peace with the fact that one day it will claim me. So I understand how you feel.

Your life and your experiences matter, because they are uniquely yours. You have your dog, your survival instinct and a sense of purpose pulling you forward, but when the empty void opens up inside having something that centres you in the now is essential because it reminds you that you're alive. I use skateboarding, because it forces me to live so completely in the moment that there is no space for anything else.

It's hard, and can be frustrating, but what you have to offer to the world is something only you can offer.

[ElioAyla]

thanks for the support everyone.
it really helped, and still helps, to know that you all care.

[Jess42]

The world needs more outcasts in it.  Being one is more than reason enough to stay here.  The key is to find other outcasts, and build a family for yourself.

I definitely agree with androgynouspainter on this one. I am doing my part for sure.

Everyone seems to think that everyone else is normal. Believe me that is not the case in society. More people than not are way outside the "Norms" of society but they tend to hide it really well and can blend in to "normal" society. You may be surprised just how abnormal seemingly normal people are when you peel back their societal image.

Well Elio, you are in a group and you do belong to a pretty elite group at that. Transgender. So yeah, you found a family, niche, click, subgroup or whatever else.

That "strange whisper" in your ear, it is best to listen to it. There are people that come here with the same experiences as you and having a hard time and you can actually help them with your own life experience. I hate to tell you but I don't think a human can ever figure out who or what they truly are. It is a lifelong learning experience.

We are lucky and cursed at the same time. Lucky that we can perceive life from two perspectives, male and female, when it seems most can only perceive it from one. We are also cursed because it causes us so much problems in society. So yeah its a double edged sword for sure.

[Jaz650]

What do I have to offer the world?
I feel I have no place here. No Place. Out Cast.
Most humans I know seek to find a niche, a family, a click, a group, a subculture, a tribe, a group.

All I am is an outcast. I will never be anything else. I am cast out, rejected by and rejecting the society that I see as flawed, greed and fear based, sick with its' own gluttony.

   I don't belong here.
   I don't want any of this any more.

I drink more wine and listen to more Elliott Smith and try to figure out how to fulfill this destiny of mine, and none of these conventional options make any sense to me. I can't do this any more. My brain is scrambled, my mind is scattered, my body is foreign to me.

The only reasons I continue to wake up are my dog, this stupid survival instinct, and this strange whisper in my ear that tells me I have a greater purpose here. To open people's minds, even if they break open. To be a guide, a shaman to my people, the Outcast Tribe, every person who has ever been cast out.

But I don't know if I am strong enough to carry this Curse/Gift burden any longer.

I just want to go to sleep.
Back to unbecoming.

Hope you feel better. You have a lot to offer the world. You can message me, if you ever feel like chatting. Love you!