I see my family a few times per year. Today was the day. I am not yet out to them. I wore a regular girl bra and no packer. That was several hours of being called by my birth name and Aunt [birth name]. Add to that several instances of my mother explaining to nieces, who keep asking if I am a boy, that I am my mother's daughter and her little girl.
When I finally got home, I spent a few hours wandering around the house shirtless (no mirrors here for obvious reasons). Followed that by using an stp to urinate outside in my backyard under the starry night sky.
I hate this. This is not an unbearable burden. I do have hope for the future. This part sucks though. The waiting. I've started the process for testosterone, but I'm currently waiting for another referral. They've been bouncing me from one doctor/psychiatrist/endocrinologist to another, and then back to the first one. I saw one psychiatrist, to whom I had been referred by my primary care doctor, who allowed me to tell my entire life story and everything personal about myself, and then said that she couldn't refer me to an endo because she doesn't specialize in gender stuff, but she could refer me to another physiatrist, whose soonest appointment was three weeks out. So I waited waited waited for that appointment, spilled my guts again, and he said he would give the go ahead for HRT. He said that he would do his thing and the endo would contact me to schedule an appointment within a week. I waited a week with no word and then emailed the shrink. He told me to contact my primary care MD. I did so. The MD said that he would email the psychiatrist, and I ought to hear something within another week. I am so anxious, stressed, and emotional. I've been on the verge of tears every minute of every day for months now. I hate this. I know that in the big picture, a few weeks or months of waiting is small beans, but this where I am right here and right now! I can't go back to trying to be a girl now. Let's get on with it.
