Fine, fine, fine, fine, NOT REMOTELY FINE (triggers)

[Emmaline]

I need help.  Four months on hrt and I have been depression free, am getting great body and face changes really early, am full time now, work is picking up and haven't lost a single family or friend.  Life was looking great and I have a baby on the way.

Next thing I know, I am in an emergency mental ward on suicide watch for three days.  Now I am walking around in a daze feeling lonely, unsupported and unstable.  My depression is back, full force, I am not sleeping well and just don't see the point in going on.  My doctors are off on holiday and the emergency mental health line numbers they gave me just fobbed me off to my gp, much like lifeline offloaded me to the gender centre who tried offloading me back.  No one wants to know unless i have a knife to my wrist and look like harming their statistics.

I am not well, and not coping.  This feels insurmountable.

[Sammy]

I suspect that something did happen between "life looking great" and "next thing I know..." Can we get the full picture?

[Jessica Merriman]

Have any idea what triggered you?  You do have support here, I know that sounds so shallow, but it is true. Anything I can help you with? I found myself feeling a lot like you do now this week. I know what triggered me, but there is not much I can do about it currently. I can relate to how you feel though.

[Alice Rogers]

Your story sounds very similar to mine in some ways hun, I've been on hormones 3 months, I have seen some great early effects of them and it was making me crazy happy.

But For me it seems that a huge high like that is often accompanied by a huge low afterwards, like my brain refuses to stay happy for too long.  Loneliness sucks too and I feel for you.

Please though hun, remember one thing, nothing is insurmountable.

Do you have any idea if something triggered you? An event or absence of someone you rely on? Maybe a change in diet or meds? Sometimes we can help ourselves through dark days by knowing why they happened and taking steps to improve things.

Thinking of you Emma, xx

[Eva Marie]

I suspect that something did happen between "life looking great" and "next thing I know..." Can we get the full picture?

I think that Emily is correct - something must have happened to toss you into this situation. You listed some very nice things that were happening in your life and everything seems to be going well for you, and then suddenly blammo!

Doing this is not insurmountable. I have had my own moments of doubt and fear (I think that anyone that does this will have those); when those feelings roll around you have to acknowledge them and find a way to deal with them. The way I cope with them is to realize that I *am* undeniably a female, and then I ask myself if I would really rather go back  to "his" sad life or do I want to keep moving forward into my new life? By doing that it helps me overcome the doubts and fears.

Please continue to get the professional help that you need, make sure that your medicine levels are still correct for you, and remember that you have many sisters here that have gone through similar things. We are here for you.

[immortal gypsy]

Please hit me if I step over the line

If I remember right you have just gone full time (virtually jumping of the high board doing so). Giving a talk after you had gone full time. You and your wife are expecting a baby (congratulations I might add). Work is picking up, so may I assume you are being busier. And even though you haven't  lost any friends or family could that have been on your mind, even a little.  How many balls do you expect yourself to juggle at once you are only human Emmaline, not Wonder Woman.

Hugs. Breath, cry scream and let it all out you're among friends here. You may know what triggered this,  you may not that's ok for now.

Life is like a roller coaster sometimes. The bigger the up sadly the bigger the drop, just remember you have a family that loves you and people that care for you. Plus with this being a SUPPORT SITE what is the point of us being with each other during the good times, if we can't help each other during the bad. So remember a large portion of your friends and family are only a few keyboard clicks away

[ErinWDK]

Sorry to hear of you current problems, Emmaline.

The ideas of roller coaster and the almost inevitability of a drop after feeling good noted by others, resonate with my experience.  When I have been "up" after long efforts to get there, at some point I find myself way on back down wondering as you "What happened???"  There may have been a trigger, you may be like me and not be able to find it.  I have been wallowing along in one of the lowest of lows for same time and things are starting to improve.  This is NOT insurmountable.

Hang in there!  You have all sorts of good things going on in your life!  Congrats on the baby by the way.


Erin

[Athena]

I seem to be giving this advice today.

Get some sunlight and just concentrate on your breathing. Right now nothing else matters but the feeling of the sun on your face and the rhythm of your breathing. Let everything else go. Also even if you feel that there is no possible way you could smile, try to anyways. When you are down smiling can trick your brain to improve your mood.

Finally don't worry about tomorrow or yesterday just get through today, tomorrow will come in it's own time and yesterday is past. Just get through today and tomorrow reread this last part.

[Emmaline]

Thanks all.
It was triggered by something unexpected that I thought I was fine with.  Consciously I was, but not subconsciously.  It seems there is a disconnect there I have to learn to wire up.  It was just so darn quick to take hold.  Looks like I really do want SRS.  A lot.

But things look better today.  I just don't know if or when something is going to hit me like this again.  It has left me feeling way less secure mentally.

[FrancisAnn]

It's not easy for any of us, my opinion. I think we all go throught the same stress in life. Talking with a good cis woman friend today, a woman I went to grammar & high school with. Our lives were so much different having to grow up in different genders. She knows I wanted to be a cheer leader, not be forced to play rough boys sports. If we were born female & grew up female that would be normal, but having to grow up "male" then change or improve ourselves is tough.

Just go slow & try to relax. Life is good.

[Ms Grace]

Hey hon, sorry I didn't see this yesterday when you posted it (I think I was under he covers recovering from three hours of electro, a minor head cold and my own case of the blues). Knowing a bit of what's going on for you I'm sorry to hear it has flared up again. I'm not sure if there's anything I can say that would help, but I do hope you feel much better really soon. PM me? Hugs.

[Alice Rogers]

Getting blindsided by a bit fat dose of Dsyphoria is not a pleasant experience hun, I can go days of being happy and singing to myself while I work and flashing my smile at everyone and then suddenly I'm curled up in my bed under the covers crying myself to sleep, sometimes knowing why your mood went through the floor doesn't matter one bit when it comes to dealing with it.

Four words: Chocolate and White wine!

[rosinstraya]

Hey, you poor thing that is horrible stuff to have happening. Please know you're not alone on this site or in this town.

I'm also sending a PM.

Please take care, look after yourself, and speak soon?

Lots of hugs,


Ros

[Megumi]

One thing I have learned from recently going full time is that dysphoria hits harder than it ever had by ten fold. It really sucks and the only defense I have against it is a list my therapist had me make listing my achievements in my transition with a large check next to each one. It helps but doesn't change my reality.

Hugs, hope you get to feeling better.

[Jess42]

OMG Emmaline. Depression is not just prone to having GID or being trans period. I have battled it for many years. Two things help me, one I won't even mention but you can guess, the other is I don't give a flying "F". The latter probably helps me more than anything else. I  just don't care. It sounds really harsh and I really care a lot about others but what other's think, not so much. I know it sounds crazy but if I can convince myself that I don't care, it really helps me. The other is legally obtained by the shrink or GP, but maybe double dosage sometimes. Sometimes it just takes a little more. I won't lie, I am messed up. I suffer bouts of depression and anxiety that really don't have much to do with being trans. It never really did. Being trans or non binary or bisexual or sissy boy, pretty boy or whatever the hell else anyne wants to label me especially now mature pretty or trans cougar ( that kind of makes me proud ) never really bothered me too much. Screw 'em and feed 'em fish heads.

But depression sux. Anxiety isn't any better. Try to get help. Sometimes it ain't even about being trans, sometimes it is. Sometimes we are triggered by some things because we are trans and sometimes not.

[Ms Grace]

Y'know one thing does come to mind, Emmaline. You say everything else is going along fine and I certainly believe you on that. Having caught up with you the other day I thought you looking great and it's clear many aspects of your transition, things that can be a struggle for others, are going really well for you. Unfortunately, when we're no longer distracted by those aspects of transition (and they can be massive distractions, especially in the lead up to full time) that's exactly when underlying demons get the chance to wriggle free big time. It's possible what has you down now has been there all along but kept at arms length while you dealt with other stuff. I know that doesn't necessarily help you deal with it but maybe that's why it has sprung up so ferociously this time and that you feel your coping options are limited...? Dunno, just a thought. Hope you feel a bit better today.

[BreezyB]

I'm sorry to hear things are tough right now Emmaline. Just know you have a lot of caring supportive girls who clearly care about you. I'm only 4 months into transition but I've suffered from depression my whole life. Ive had in in check for quite a while but I know when there's huge change or stresses in life is creeps in again, but just being aware when it does is good. Rather than staying in bed and not talkbg to a soul, I find if I just keep moving I do get through things. Life's tough at the best of times, so I don't think it would be surprising if we were to get a little down every now and then, we wouldn't be human would we. But just look after yourself, keep talking to people and I always find my doc is a help when things are really bad
Hugs Bree x

[LordKAT]

I'm glad you are feeling a tad better. I always hated it when that stupid immoveable wall got in the way of my  unstoppable force.

[Newgirl Dani]

Glad you've came thru the other side.    Lots to learn and admire in this thread.  Dani

[Jess42]

I'm glad you are feeling a tad better. I always hated it when that stupid immoveable wall got in the way of my  unstoppable force.

that's why you need an Abrams A1 for a daily driver hon. Either roll over it or blow it to pieces before you get to that wall. Of course I m one to talk crap. I can feel it creeping up and tomorrow I'll probably be a freaking basket case emotionally. I just kind of feel it sneaking up, kind of like a mountain lion before it attacks.