Overwhelmed....(possible trigger)

[Aus76]

- Removed by request of OP -

[Ms Grace]

Hi. Things won't change overnight. HRT takes a few months and you want to move at a pace that is comfortable for you.

Your wife is doing the right thing to want to talk to a counsellor, but hopefully they are open minded and can help her work through this for the both of you.

It is common that both of you will move through intense highs and lows - from "yes, this is it" to "is this the right thing?" in the matter of a day.

[Juliett]

I would go ahead and change your name as soon as possible, it makes things 10000% better. Nothing wrong with shaving your legs, but I would hold off on serious makeup and dresses for a while.

You should accept that you will very likely end up getting a divorce and that's not a bad thing. Making yourself happy will also make things better for your wife and daughter. Making yourself miserable by denying who you are and what you want will only make them  miserable too.

[helen2010]

You have raised a number of issues:

-  relationship with wife.  This will be challenged.  Some relationships fail, some survive and all change.  Be honest, suggest that your wife sees a therapist and consider another therapist to help with your relationship.  Don't promise what you cannot deliver or know.  You will change and your wife may or may not welcome this
-   Fear.  This is normal and it is healthy.  As you start your journey you will notice emotional and physical change.  You will start on a low dose. 
-    Options.  At any stage you can stop hrt but in every case that I am aware of the dysphoria returns and only increases over time.  After a certain time some changes will not be reversible.  Some trans* folk do stop hrt and try non medical therapies to deal with their dysphoria; others stay on low dose hrt and present as M or NB; others will work with their endo to find the hrt dosage that best meets their objectives;  others will increase hrt and pursue a binary transition and then choose to present as NB or F

The best advice that I can give, is to take your time and to not sweat the detail.  You will know if hrt works for you and whether a NB or binary transition is your preferred path.  You can take it as slow as you like.  There is no one way, it is your journey, you choose your destination and your pace.

Take care with yourself, your relationships and your life.  You are precious.  You have one life.  Seek authentic expression and happiness.

Many of us have different narratives and we are all willing to share and to support, whether you transition or not.

Safe travels

Aisla

[helen2010]

This is terrible.  Hope you are ok.  Will you be able to turn this around?  If dysphoria is causing you distress you may find that low dose is sufficient to fix this,  and to all intents and purposes then she wouldn't  lose her husband but would notice very positive emotional change/growth.

Many of us think that a binary transition is inevitable, this is not necessarily the case.  Would she stay with you while you work out where you need to be?

Safe travels

Aisla

[Juliett]

 Your daughter would rather have you than all the money in the world, and that is coming from someone who hated her parents.

Start looking for a place to live and work out joint custody. What your wife thinks about you doesn't really matter at this point. You can be divorced and still be amazing parents as long as you love your daughter. Don't let your wife talk you into cutting yourself out, she literally doesn't know what she's talking about.

[Athena]

First and foremost if you decide to live apart from your wife make sure that equal custody is part of the agreement.
As for talk of ending your life end that right now. Your daughter needs you in her life. If your wife's family should talk bad about you, alive you will be able to show her different. Dead you will only be the bad person. Your daughter may very well blame herself for your death, do you want to have your daughter going through life with that on her shoulders. Things will be hard for your daughter but they will be much much harder for her without you there to guide her.

My parents split up when I was very young. Before they divorced my father worked away from home for long periods at a time, I don't really remember him living at home (maybe the odd bit here and there). When I was 5 or 6 is when they were looking at custody and a very adult choice was thrust upon me I had to decide who I wanted to live with. Also any feelings that I had about living in a broken home I had to deal with by myself I really didn't have any help whatsoever. It also didn't help that I was an only child and grew up in the country so things were quite lonely. These are all horrible things that I grew up with but you can alleviate these things with your daughter but only if you are there for her.

If you can't find the strength to live for yourself then for god's sake do not make your daughter think that you killed yourself because of her. Being there for her after a divorce will mean that she has a good chance of stopping from blaming herself, that won't happen if your not there.

[Athena]

Then make sure you are there for her every day. I don't mean staying in a bad marriage but a phone call, skype, be there to give her a ride home from school. Fight to make sure you are a part of her life period. Being available for her being a safe haven for her is doing more for her then almost anything else combined. Tell you wife fine you will look to move out but under no circumstance are you going to stop seeing your daughter. Make that the priority of any separation/divorce agreement.

[Jess42]

I am so sorry that I am a newbie and a downer. I've always been told I'm dramatic but that is not my point; I just don't know how I can do this.

Part of me also holds onto quite a bit of anger due to the fact that I stuck by my wife despite her suffering an injury that left her a paraplegic. I've been her mule, and I was and am willing to do that still. Uggh. Her argument is that she was hurt before we married so I knew what I faced, and the discussion is off the table for comparison.

You maybe a newbie, I hate that word BTW, but you are not a downer. You are not dramatic. You came here for help and support and that sounds like what you need right now. I have no children. For some reason I never could have any. That was really good in my situation since I gave up and she gave up and we divorced.

My Ex tried to make me feel guilty. Tried to make me feel bad and so on. First and foremost, and this may sound selfish but we have to be true to ourselves. How can anyone love a fake? I was a fake and the relationship suffered. I was true to myself before and now after and the relationships seem way more genuine and true. They may not last forever, but I definitely don't have to fake anything anymore.

BTW, you are not fake to me. Ore how did you put it F-A-K-E, Hairless legs or not. I do because it make me feel normal and so on. But that is up to you, you are no less trans gorilla or not.

But whatever happens, just make sure you get joint custody.

Sometime, and I really hate to say it, but divorce is better for all parties all the way around. You, your wife and your daughter. Children are smarter than most people give them credit for. When Mom sleeps in a different room than Dad, something isn't quite right. I picked up on this and any child will pick up on it.

Part of me also holds onto quite a bit of anger due to the fact that I stuck by my wife despite her suffering an injury that left her a paraplegic. I've been her mule, and I was and am willing to do that still. Uggh. Her argument is that she was hurt before we married so I knew what I faced, and the discussion is off the table for comparison.

Yeah? I don't want to sound mean but so what? You were more than likely trans before you married her, she may not have known it and it may very well have been the female part of you that she fell in love with in the first place. Most males are not nurturers and it seems like you are and that my dear is a female trait.

God, Aus, I really don't know what to tell you. You fell in love with a woman that is paraplegic, if that isn't letting the nurturer in you shine, I really don't know what is. You have a daughter and have to nurture her. Like I said, I just really don't know what to say other than your wife is extremely lucky to have you. OMG, I am in tears now after reading all this. I will tell you this though. Do what you have to do to be happy with yourself. If I was your wife, I would be extremely grateful and consider myself really lucky and what and who you are I would have no problem. I just can't write anymore and definitely don't like the taste of my own foot.   But your wife and daughter are lucky to have you no matter who your truly are and want to be. OMG, it seems like I cry too much.

[Jess42]

Just for clarification, are you saying "so what" to me or to my wife given the context? I am not upset either way, I am just trying to figure out if you were calling me out, which I think is fair.

No I'm not calling you out at all. The main thing is I am saying you are a nurturer which is a strong female trait. Yeah it is fair and was pretty insensitive of me saying "so what". What I really was saying is that you show a strong female characteristic that most normal males wouldn't show.

Now I really feel bad. I didn't really mean it the way it sounded. I guess what I'm saying is that the female in you may have been what your wife fell in love with. That is what mine fell in love with and when faced with me being fully that side, she couldn't handle it even though that is the part of me she fell in love with. Does that make sense?

I am so sorry. I really didn't mean to sound so callous. Either way you aren't upset but I still feel bad.

But sometimes what people fall in love with us for is the most guarded part of ourselves that we let show only sometimes. That was the female aspects of myself and probably what your self and when I did embrace it, she didn't really want it.

I am so sorry Aus. Now I feel really bad and I should have worded it a lot different. I never call anyone out for anything. OMG now I got tears in my eyes. So so sorry.  

[LordKAT]

... parts expected to haul ->-bleeped-<- around and work outside. Pass.

...but I like this idea.


Anyway, a bad marriage can be harder on your little girl than a broken one. Keep up the contact with her and it is likely that your bond will remain close. You can do that divorced or married, just with some adjustments is all.

[Jess42]

Don't feel bad. Your advice was well intended and well received. It warms my heart to see that there are people who don't instantly raise an eyebrow and mutter "->-bleeped-<-" under their breath.

The thing is, the thing that kills me, is that I'm awesome and my nieces and pseudo-nephews love me, my kids at school love me, and I have fun being myself. It's only in this adult world that my soul is crushed and I have to behave as a male 100% of the time or face scorn.

BTW, to be honest, why the hell would anyone WANT to be male? It's a random collection of gross smelly parts expected to haul ->-bleeped-<- around and work outside. Pass.

Yeah, I hope you got what I was saying or trying to say this time. Like I said when people or straight ciswomen fall in love with us as guys a lot of times the very thing that makes us special and sets us apart from cismen is that female part of ourselves that is some times so intertwined with the male personality. I was always "special" to my wife and not like all the other men. When I finally told her why it was like then she was all disgusted. So she fell in love with the part of me that wasn't male. I mean she even told me one time I should have been a girl. How's that for irony? When the truth came out, it was a totally different story.

[Jess42]

I hope so too. But I bet if you look back there are a lot more signs. Unfortunately those blue and red pills don't exist, we do. We can only be who we are.

Oh, the swamp ain't that bad if you can keep the cottonmouths out of your yard and house.

[Eva Marie]

My ex also fell for the feminine side of me; we talked endlessly just like girls do and I unknowingly related to her in a totally feminine way for many years.

It only became a "disgusting" problem when I figured out that I am trans. Go figure.

Aus - I hate to say this but an amicable divorce is far better than trying to be someone you aren't. Trying to be a guy to meet everyone's expectations is caustic to your soul and will breed resentment. Continuing to do that may lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms or.... worse.

Hopefully you can find a happy solution but if splitting up becomes inevitable it will be ok and you'll be happier after the pain recedes. I was married to my soulmate for almost 30 years and splitting up was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. We are both in a far happier place now and I'm happy that my ex has found someone else that makes her happy. There is life after divorce.

[Eva Marie]

Aus-

I started my transition in October of 2013. I just came out at work and my name and gender change is happening in a couple of weeks.

I was 24 and she was 22 when we got married. I am 51 now.

I always informed my ex when I figured out something about this because she was involved with it too being married to me. In September of 2013 I had a therapy appointment and I got to the place where I had to accept who I am. I came home and dropped the news on my ex. 110 days later she drove away and left me. My divorce was final last week.

My kids are older and are in college so that made it easier. I went through the stages of grief, but I had made some new friends in my new life and they were there to help me through the rough spots.

Now I'm kind of Zen about the whole thing; I still love her and I want the best for her. She could not accept the "new" me even though for the most part it's still the "old" me and I understand her feelings. She's not a lesbian.

So, that is all in the past now and life goes on. Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself I am moving on; I have a new exciting future life ahead of me. It's a shame that my ex decided not to be a part if it.

[Eva Marie]

The only pushback I got was from my ex; she refused and still refuses to believe it.

I was raised in the 60s and 70s and no one knew anything about transgender back then. It was only when I got internet access that I started to figure it out. Once I understood it I knew that I was trans. All of the events of my past that never made sense - suddenly did!

My ex knew me before I had that revelation and she does not understand what that revolution was like for me. It was literally an AH HA! moment.

Everyone else has been totally accepting - people's reactions have blown me away.

The second guessing thing - I am about two weeks away from going full time and I still have an occasional thought like that. All I have to do us remember what the past was like to realize that I was not happy or healthy and where I am heading I will be both. It's perfectly normal to have those feelings on our path.

[JoanneB]

During the 30+ years my wife and I have been together I changed, for the worse. Dysphoria driven, shutting her out, more denial manifested in many ways. Things between us were going from bad to worse. Then the excrement hit the air handler to make things worser.

Worser but eventually better. Hitting bottom made me finally stop and think, rather than reflexively react. I realized I needed to take the trans beast head on. Me being TG was no news to her. She knew from about day 1 and I did occasionally cross dress to maintain my sanity. Still, dropping the T-Bomb hit her hard.

Six years later our relationship is stronger then ever. Lots of ups and downs. Plenty of tears. I grew a lot as a person. Actually I am still learning how to be a real person. She has been seeing all sorts of positive changes taking place.

As you anguish over each decision over each step, your spouse anguishes over each of those decisions too. Even with lots of open and honest communication, the reality of it all is more difficult to deal with then the abstracts.

Starting HRT is a big reality shift for her as well as for you. She just may need time to adjust. Time perhaps to see what positive things from her point of view that may result from starting HRT. Since she is scared and worried about this game changer, I personally would not add fuel to that fire with any other physical changes.

Remember that you spent a lifetime just trying to get a handle on being TG. Your SO is at a great disadvantage

[JoanneB]

One step at a time. One baby step at a time.

Finding a TG Support group or groups, practicing on your voice. Hair removal. Shopping at thrift stores is a nice way to work on a wardrobe and experiment with looks at low cost. Much like voice makeup skills take practice, practice, practice. Also finding self help books to aid your personal growth and perhaps gain some new tools to help cope with what's happening in your life.

[Athena]

Computers are wonderful for mail order. I intentionally got my credit card with a gender neutral short form of my name and I never worry about ordering anything.

[ElDudette]

I'll toss my 2cents in and suggest shaving the legs as well. It feels nice & in my case it's helped with a bit of the dysphoria & feeling like a knuckle dragging ape (I'm up to legs & arms regularly, the chest I can't do too often because my work shirts tend to rub & cause ingrown hairs )