Feeling down, tired, confused and scared.

[Monica Jean]

Down, tired, confused and scared.

Down, but it doesn't feel like depression to me.  Can't get motivated for anything.

Tired.  Since my decision about a month ago to see a therapist, I get only between 2 and 4 or maybe 5 if I'm really lucky, hours of sleep.  I'm draggin' my rear end.

Confused.  With my 1st round of HRT last week, the drepression lifted, I can't imagine going back into it by going off HRT.  Yet, the risk of of losing key friends and possibly my sister (THAT would hurt) is really bumming me out.

Scared.  Scared that I wont be able to support my family or kids.  That I'll lose client contracts that are my bread-n-butter for making the bills.  Scared that the wife will engage in the act of "splitting", rage & tell everyone. 

Fear sucks.

A two week vacation to Hawaii sounds real nice right about now. 

I'm really conflicted now, not sure which end is up.  Aside, I realized this week the difference between laughing and smiling.  I always joke around, love to laugh.  But that all is because it's a temporary band-aid on the real problem, I've never smiled in 40+ years.  You know, the smile from the heart, not from a situation or a joke.  It's like I have to act to put on a smile.  My whole life has been an act.


Maybe I just need to hit the 'pause' button of life for a few days and get some rest at night, THEN rethink things.  Last week was good, I made much progress, but this week is like being stuck in the mud.   

Sigh.  I was hoping this week's therapy session would be about the family and kids and plan of action to come out, looks like it will be about helping me from this mud puddle I've suddenly found myself in. 

On the good side, I'm taking care of my nails by growing them out more.  Feels nice


Looks like the path to transition isn't linear at all, mud puddles line the road to success.  Getting stuck in them is no fun.

[Rachel]

Hi Michelle, hugs.

The road through transition varies for everyone. Transition for many is a roller coaster ride. It takes a while for the medicine to work but slowly it is working.

I have been going to therapy for 21 months and have had HRT for 16 months. I have a wife an daughter. I have been addressing a lot of my fears (and I have and had a lot). As you face each fear, one by one, you will gain in agency. Make sure you have built up your agency reserve prior to coming out to the family.

When I had my break down December 2012 I was getting very little sleep and I think I had a head ach for 4 month straight. I usually get 3 to 4 hours sleep a night. It helps me to not remember my dreams.

Hug.

[peky]

Whether you loose friends and business depends in great extent to where do you live, and the kind of social environment you move.

I lost my wife of 20 plus year, even after the divorce there is still a state of war between her and I....

The kids stood by me, and live with me....

I kept my job but I work for a large GLBT-friendly company ...

However I can see your fears, and they are real, it is hard, very real hard place to be....

Before you tell the wife, do prepare for the worst.... make an inventory of all possession, put you most value possession in a safe place, keep a journal, talk to lawyer... I know it seem callous to be telling you these thing know but girl you will not regret having put a plan in place...

Will it be worth for you ? Nobody can tell you that. What I can tell you is that it was very worth for me...

Courage my friend...

Peky

[mrs izzy]

The path that is walked is full of light or darkness. Dry as a desert or rain forest. Full of hills, meadows and mountains.

There will be sections where walking is boring and then time of decisions in the forks in the path.

You alone hold all the answers to work your way through your lives path.

Make sure you pack for everything when you talk to your therapist, they are your guide.

Hugs take a day at a time.

[JoanneB]

Being on HRT is not a death sentence for your male life. I've been on/off low dose HRT several times over the decades for the emotional reset. I've been on higher dose for some 6 years now. Every time I had a "WTF am I doing???" meltdown and stopped things got far worse again. Heck, I recently found out why my mood has been off for a few months now when my latest lab work came in and my T was back well into normal male. So much for stopping that half pill after 6 years and still on E. Classic YMMV

Oh, BTW, I still very much present as male. Even more happily married (TBH it is still a bit wierd for my wife but compared to the other me....). Still have no need to tell family or work anything

[Monica Jean]

Thank you for your comments. 

Last night I was up by 2am again.  Grabbed my ipad and watched several videos on transitions, at least I could "see" them and their challenges, especially at 2am...keeps my mind from wandering.  The one that captivated me was "Fear and Being a Transsexual" (OK to post vid links?).

Watched it twice.  It's fear that's the overarching enemy causing such turmoil.  I gained clarity to the situation by watching her vid.  I'm amazed at the power of YouTube! 

[JoanneB]

Plenty of Fears! Here here. I know the drill well. When I first experimented with transitioning in my early 20's I was a lot more fearless. Life was just starting for me, totally uncommitted to anything but me.

A lot of the fear does slowly ebb away as you slowly unlearn or modify a lifetime of bad programming and learn new tools to replace the ones that are no longer needed. Many fears later in life are well founded, like the effect on a marriage, or a career, neighbors, or the community in general. Unfortunately, if there is a way other then jumping into the deep end of the pool I am at a loss to reason it.

Until then there are plenty of baby steps that one needs to take to get to that end of the pool. You'll me amazed at how the closer you get to that end the easier it sounds. What seemed like a thousand mile walk on shards of glass can seem like going to the other side of the kitchen to get that pot.

[Illuminess]

The closer I get to starting HRT the more stressed and depressed I've become. I have supportive friends, and yet I've never felt as alone as I am now. Nothing looks positive at all, and so all I do is hide away in my bedroom. A house mate of mine used my preferred name tonight and I didn't even know how to feel about it. I've done nothing to present myself the way I'd like, and no one has offered to help me, either. I don't even want to really go all out until HRT has affected me in an obvious way, but I do want to get as further away as possible from the old me as I can. I don't exactly have a lot of money to work with. This whole transition is going to keep me broke every month; but if I don't I'll just regret it. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and right now I just want to plug into the Matrix.

[Monica Jean]

This whole transition is going to keep me broke every month; but if I don't I'll just regret it.

I'm in the same situation as you, money is tight!  However, if I don't push through to the next level, I'll never know and I'll never find peace.  Don't give up, push through those walls of fear, anxiety an unsure/uneasy feelings.  They will go away once you look back after a while on HRT and make decisions to better your life.

What a difference a couple weeks makes!  While I've had a few other down days, I find myself smiling in the midst of all the rough roads that are ahead of me. This simply was not possible before starting to see a therapist and HRT.   While I still become fearful of the outcomes of all these challenges, I don't dwell on the negative for weeks on end.   I'm starting to feel like myself for the first time in my life, not a high or low, but simply day to day "it's OK now" somewhere in the middle.  And for that, I am very thankful.  Because compared to the hellish depression that I was encased inside of for many years, it's as if I'm in a new world.   I couldn't be more grateful. 

[Illuminess]

Thank you for that, michelle1. Definitely something I needed to hear.