Yesterday I called a gender therapist and set an appointment. I was elated that I am beginning this step of my journey. My first thoughts were of what an enormous step this is. I'm on a path that I'm confident will allow me to become who I truly am anyway.
My thoughts then turned to 'enormous steps' I've already taken. Only this past August did I begin to be aware that I am in fact transgender; up until then I was just a guy who loved women's clothes and I didn't even like the words '->-bleeped-<-' or 'cross-dresser' as I was sure they didn't apply to me. A huge step was getting to the point where I allowed myself to wrestle with these thoughts.
An even larger step was the epiphany that I AM transgender; I AM A WOMAN! The first time I allowed myself to say that aloud, even though only to myself, it was like a thousand tons were lifted off my shoulders! Another step was when I talked to my psychiatrist about this - I've seen him for years for what at the time seemed to be unrelated issues. He does not have the background for gender therapy but has been wonderful in helping me allow myself to see and feel who I am!
Next step was the (disastrous) revelation to my wife. While not pleasant, and the fall-out will go on for years and I guess forever, it was a necessary step and brought me that one step closer. My wife forced my hand in telling my adult children - she, perhaps inadvertently, got the ball rolling then handed it off to me in a way I had no choice but to talk with them. She now says I told them too soon... huh??? How does that work? Well, at any rate, that was another step. I joined this forum - what a wonderful step that was! I've met personally with Julie Blair - what an honor, privilege and delightful and helpful experience!
I've told a very few, very close friends who've given me loving support. I've attended a transgender support group and plan on attending regularly. I've reached out to a group member and allowed myself to accept her support (another big step for me!). Each one of these is a big and important step.
Back to the gender therapist. My family had thought I was making such wonderful progress with the psychiatrist I've been seeing - right up until I admitted to myself that I'm a woman. All of a sudden, this psychiatrist became an incompetent quack. There was one negative rating online that had nothing to do with anything related to me at all, but my family latched on to that. They insisted I see someone else for a 'second opinion' and I agreed, hoping to give some hope to a continued relationship with them.
My wife's therapist (yes, we're all a bit crazy in our own ways!) recommended this woman and after talking with her on the phone, I made sure she has experience with gender issues, and could and will follow me through the entire process WHEN she determines, as I know she will, that I'm transgender.
So many more big steps to come - I'm awed and humbled as I read so many posts on this site. I look forward with joy, trepidation, confidence, fear, excitement, and so many more strong emotions (which thanks to therapy, I can now fully recognize and feel!). And so it occurs to me how important it is not simply to look forward to all the steps that lie ahead; all the challenges and trials to come, but to look at the steps we've taken so far. At this point already, I feel I've accomplished so much! I want to keep fresh in my mind the feelings of accomplishing what I have already.
It would be easy for me to wallow in self pity that it has taken this many years (60+) to get to this point. On the one hand, how sad that I've gone so many years and am now just beginning. More to the point, I want to celebrate that I HAVE made this discovery; that each day I wake up knowing who I'm meant to be; and that I will be able to celebrate each step I take is "BIG". In just a few days I will have my initial consult with a gender therapist; so many conflicting emotions wash over me and yet I'm so happy that I've reached and am taking this step!
How many of you have posted positive statements on these boards so that on days when you're down you can look back and remind yourself how wonderful it is to be somewhere - anywhere - on this journey?
