NYC/NJ therapist

[ImagineKate]

I'm finally going to get off my lazy butt and see a therapist.

To be honest, my wife is getting suspicious now as I'm spending a lot more time dressing and I'm making changes she can see including my nails and growing out my hair, and trimming my brows. She even told me that I don't look myself anymore, and she said it in a not so nice tone this morning. Loosely translated, "WTF is going on with you?" This is odd because she should have noticed a couple of years ago when I was self medicating (but since stopped). Now, she has a keener eye. I don't think I'll have a choice but to tell her, and soon.

I'm looking for a good therapist in the NYC or North Jersey area. Maybe the city should be fine because I work there and I can probably skip an hour or two from work as I have done for doc appts.

I know Callen-Lorde does informed consent and some have used them but they let you speak with a counselor first. I might go that route. How is it? Do you have to use their endo, or can you use your own? Do they do low dose as well? I dread going to docs in the city because all you seem to do is wait all day since they see so many patients. Meanwhile my regular doc in Jersey I walk in, they do their thing and I walk out.

I do still want to see a therapist though because I can't keep this inside me and it is basically eating me alive. I just want to feel better. Even if it's just talking and if I am to do HRT, even low dose to start.

Preferably North Jersey area, if I could get one close to home such as in Sparta that would be great, but all the counselors here seem to be about marriage and nothing else (I'll probably need one of those sooner or later).

Thanks for the support.

[JoanneB]

It depends on what you call North Jersey. There is a group called Institute for Personal Growth http://www.ipgcounseling.com/. The main office is Highland Park, near Rutgers as well as Jersey City and Freehold. I also got a short list of others I can locate if you want. One is in NW Jersey, Sterling?, another in Newton or there abouts. In Out in NJ mag (libraries?) IPG is a big advertiser, there may be others.

Also in Highland Park http://www.pridecenter.org/ has a group meeting the third Sunday of the month. Callen Lord also has a group meeting

[ImagineKate]

It depends on what you call North Jersey. There is a group called Institute for Personal Growth http://www.ipgcounseling.com/. The main office is Highland Park, near Rutgers as well as Jersey City and Freehold. I also got a short list of others I can locate if you want. One is in NW Jersey, Sterling?, another in Newton or there abouts. In Out in NJ mag (libraries?) IPG is a big advertiser, there may be others.

Also in Highland Park http://www.pridecenter.org/ has a group meeting the third Sunday of the month. Callen Lord also has a group meeting

Newton is closest to me. I'd rather not go to the other places. If I'm going to JC might as well go to NYC, because I'm in the city pretty much every day anyway.

When is the Callen Lorde group meeting? Do they have a website saying when and where?

[Sydney_NYC]

I'll add a +1 on IPG, they are great and are the ones that told me about Callen-Lorde for my HRT. IPG also does couples counseling and may be something that would be also good for you and your wife's relationship.

[ImagineKate]

Sounds good, thanks.

I'll start calling around.

[ImagineKate]

Got a callback from IPG today. They seemed rather helpful. I mentioned I heard of them through Susan's place, they wanted to know what that was. I told them it's a support group type forum and someone local recommended I go to them.

So in a couple of weeks I'm going to see them.

I chose to procrastinate a bit for a few reasons.

One is that I have a good few irons in the fire right now and I need to clear my plate. The other is that I want to clear my kids' birthday (plural, they are triplets).

But anyway I'm hoping I can get something meaningful out of this. They said insurance is going to cover part of it, which is good.

Wish me luck?

Any advice?

[JoanneB]

IPG is a great group whose sole function(?) is to cater to the LGBT community in NJ. The folks there I've interacted with are great.

What to expect? That was about the first thing I was asked! Just try to be honest as you can, keep a very open mind, and remember that how you feel today and what you are seeing as a future life may  change. But it does sound like you are dead set on what you want to do so problem #1 is dropping the T-Bomb on your wife and how to handle that. I suspect you already know what to expect from that. So being able to prepare for the mission will be good expectation.

Also preparing for a barrage of questions and/or accusations needs consideration. Your wife obviously knows something is up. Not sure if she is aware if you are TG. Mine was but that did make much of a difference to her initial reaction. When you suddenly have your world turned upside down, it is nice to try to find out how far you going to fall.  The BIG Question I still cannot answer 6 years later. Too many considerations and consequences to consider.

I've been on/off low dose HRT several times throughout the decades as a sort of brain/emotional reset. In my younger days it took a few months before and physical effects started to present. Starting with a lessening ability to be a "Normal" guy. But by then I was well past emotionally OK. 

The Callen-Lord website www.gaycenter.org has a calendar. The group meetings are once a month and if I remember right the SO meeting is the same time

[ImagineKate]

I cannot thank you ladies enough.

She likely knows something is up because she has been telling me, "you look like you're up to something" when I go up to the bedroom, sometimes to dress up. She even told me outright that she knows my secrets but I don't know if she knows the TG part. She probably does because I've shaved my legs and arms (and keep them shaved) and a couple of nights I was half awake and she was up and looking at me kind of funny on the bed. She had a real cow when I started plucking my eyebrows (they're a bit androgynous now, not full femme yet) and said basically, "Don't EVER do that again, let it grow back!" That's when she also told me that I don't even look like myself anymore.

So I kind of pushed myself to sort this out.

I am not so worried about my mom and dad because I've been independent of them since I was 22. Besides they already know I will do what I want, and not really care about nor seek their approval. My wife is older than me (by quite a bit, actually) and has two older kids, so we have a blended family pretty much. My parents were NOT the least bit happy but they warmed up. I'm sure they'll think that their "son" is just doing something weird again by transitioning... IOW they've written me off, so I have nothing to lose. Not that I don't care, but my life is mine and I need to be happy with and as myself.

I've tried low dose, self medded. Even then it started to have results. I went on a full transition dose for a few months and I started to see results. It probably even saved my life and sanity. However there was the question of "what next" and that uncertainty made me quit. I'm going to try doing it the right way now but I really want to see what I am and what I need.

[ImagineKate]

Oh, and this is probably for the legal matters section, but one big problem I'm going to have is with my birth certificate, since it is from Trinidad and I'm not sure if they change it or if I need a court order or something. I should go talk to the consulate but they are bureaucrats and some really have a bad attitude there. Aaaaand they all know me since my ex's dad is a retired consul and I still have deep rooted political connections in the old country. I'm hoping the news will not spread like wildfire. Anyway I will be sure to document the process for future Trinidad trans girls. At least changing my naturalization certificate is easy.

[Sydney_NYC]

The Callen-Lord website www.gaycenter.org has a calendar. The group meetings are once a month and if I remember right the SO meeting is the same time

I just want to correct something, Callen-Lorde website is: http://callen-lorde.org/. A great LGBT clinic that does informed consent. (I go there as well.) The Website for the group meetings is correct  www.gaycenter.org but that is for the The Center -  LGBT Community Center.

The open trans meeting are the first Wednesday of the month at 7:30pm. (I'll be there next week.) If you go next week, we usually (unofficially) meet first in the courtyard (the lobby is under construction for renovations) as the rooms don't usually open until just before it starts. After the meetings, most of us go to a dinner (that's really good) right afterwards.

I've heard that a separate trans support group is suppose to start at Callen-Lorde, but I haven't seen it published anywhere yet.

[JoanneB]

Oh, and this is probably for the legal matters section, but one big problem I'm going to have is with my birth certificate, since it is from Trinidad and I'm not sure if they change it or if I need a court order or something. I should go talk to the consulate but they are bureaucrats and some really have a bad attitude there. Aaaaand they all know me since my ex's dad is a retired consul and I still have deep rooted political connections in the old country. I'm hoping the news will not spread like wildfire. Anyway I will be sure to document the process for future Trinidad trans girls. At least changing my naturalization certificate is easy.

A lot of "What Next?" Already getting GRS and want to change your B/C.

If your wife found your stash of clothes, certainly knows the shaved body, really freaking about thinning out the eye-brows, I sincerely doubt you have to worry about the in-laws.  You two will be divorced long before any surgeries. The reality is most, as in almost all of our marriages will fail. When you consider that these days like 50% of first marriages will, it doesn't seem as bad. When you consider the suicide rate for trans people because they reached the Transition or Die point in their life, and transitioning was not a viable option, it does not seem as bad.

My wife knew from day one I was TG. She also was told about my two previous experiments with transitioning. She also knew I did hormones. She also thought I was a CD and not really a TS. I tried thinking that too for 30 years. If it were not for all the positive changes emotionally and spiritually I made to become a real person she'd be gone. She cannot promise, nor can I even think of asking her to, to stay at my side if I go full-time, or even back to doing part-time again. It is total unknown territory for her. Foremost is the bottom line, "I did not marry a woman. I like what men do for me. A piece of rubber isn't the same...". We can continue and have worked through a lot of the feelings of betrayal, distrust etc that comes when dropping the T-Bomb. They are totally easy in comparison to sexuality.

What next?  Decision time. Time to understand and sort out your feelings, Time to relax, breath, and think about the realities for a working married trans person coming out. Which a good gender therapist can help with.

Every decision you make in life has a benefit and a cost. A full time transition can benefit you. It WILL change your life. No doubt there. There will be good parts just as there will be not so good parts. And there will be other independent thinking and acting people in your life doing what they need to do for themselves.

When I got to the point of needing to change things, a little, I saw my life as I knew it was essentially over. I was living several states away from my wife, our marriage was hanging by a thread thread, I was working in a job I totally hated. In other words every important aspect of my life was blown to hell. Either make some changes or.....

Prepare for the worse. Hope for the best. Pack plenty of tissues, either way you'll be needing them

[ImagineKate]

I should clarify that I am not at all worried about the in laws. That bridge was burned at the wedding. Pretty much nuked from orbit with a barrage of F bombs flying both ways.

Nope. This is about wife #1, not this one. I will explain. Watch your inbox.

But you're right. I'm getting ahead of myself. First step is the therapist and then I go from there.

[ImagineKate]

Got the paperwork. I'm a bit nervous to fill it out but I must go ahead.

It asks for a name I should be called by. To be honest, "Kate" is a placeholder but I have thought of other names I'd want and I kind of settled on one. For a first appointment does it really matter?

[JoanneB]

Not at all. Just something so the therapist will know how you wish to be addressed. All the official paperwork will have your official name

[ImagineKate]

So now I'm out to my wife, as I mentioned in the other thread. Not sure if this makes things easier or more difficult.