How to handle my son? (MTF trans person)

[Consending]

Hello everybody. I found out that my son is male to female transsexual. I always knew something was wrong with him but I don't know what to do. I cannot sleep due to this issue. I don't know what to do. Personally, I REALLY don't want him to transition but if it makes him happy I will support him, because honestly I don't remember the last time he was happy.

You see, my son is 18 years old and he only cares about finishing college and helping out the family as much as he can. Literally that is the only thing he cares about. Ever since he was 12 he has been emotionless. Hes so emotionless that as soon as he gets home, he just takes off his clothes and sleeps on his floor. We had to give his bed away ( a long story) I tried to get him another one but he told us not to waste the money. I don't remember the last time he has smiled or laughed. He doesn't have any friends, and I know people say "everybody has a friend" trust me my son really doesn't have ANYBODY. Hes always concerned with helping the family or studying. He spends all of his time studying, focusing on school and sleeping. Everytime I bring him to social gatherings he just sits far away from our family quietly waiting for the gathering to be over. I thought he was going through a phase, but I see now that he is actually clinically depressed and suicidal. He literally has about a 150 page diary stored in his computer. He left his computer on and I checked it out. I never knew about his diary until yesterday. Literally on the first page there it was. He wrote that he was transsexual. He apparently has felt this way since he was a young kid. The thing that bothers me the most is this. He closets himself as a transsexual not because of how I would react, but how society would treat him... Atleast this is according to his diary. He doesn't want to be jumped, beaten, etc... He also believes he wouldn't make a pretty girl (another reason why he doesn't want to do it). He also feels very suicidal and only lives to ensure that he helps those who he is grateful too (us). I really don't want him to live his life only trying to please us. I want him too be happy. I haven't seen him happy in the longest time. There is much to his diary I haven't read... but this alone is heartbreaking I am still in shock about this. I still find it hard to believe he is a transsexual. I don't know how to confront him about this.

I knew something was wrong and I didn't do anything about it. I feel like crap. How should I talk to him about this?

[Monica Jean]

Thank you for taking the time to write and open-up regarding your son.  You're on the right path, this is a great 1st step.

First off, tell him you love him and support him.  He needs this more than anything in the world right now.  This is the difference between merely existing (what it sounds like he's doing currently) but live and thrive in the current home situation. 

Find a good gender-based counselor in your area, use Google, to take him to.  He needs someone that understands these deep and painful dynamics of gender dysphoria, not just a regular counselor who doesn't fully understand things.  Tell him that you're not trying to undo him into a non transgender individual, rather that you want him to grow and open up.  A good gender therapist can help in this regard tremendously.

As a parent myself, I understand where you're coming from, but no need to feel like crap anymore, get in there, give him the biggest hug ever and tell him you're on his side every step of the way. And just listen...to his pain, to his challenges.... You're a good mom reaching for help rather than burying it any longer.  Yes, a good mom!  I wish my mom did that to me when I was 18, it would have saved decades of my internal anguish and hellacious depression.

Tell him there is no shame, maybe even point him here if he hasn't already found this place.  A safe place to converse about all things trans gender.

[mrs izzy]

First off Welcome to Susan's family.

Communication and love for your daughter is the best thing you can give her.

I understand the fears she has and needs help to work past them.

Finding a gender therapist for her is the first step to get that start of a smile on her face.

For you I would look at that WPATH SOC and other threads here. She has always been your little girl stuck in society rules of gender.

Hugs to both of you and keep your support, she is human and needs family love.

[justpat]

   I see a what could be a very big problem.It involves privacy and trust issues.He is obviously not out to anyone even you and if you mention reading his diary you could lose his trust and that to me is very important.Tread softly he is very fragile .Find a good therapist that deals with young trans* people,call them and verify that fact, the wrong person can be devastating.Then suggest to him about seeing the therapist don't push just use you mothers intuition at the right time.Hold him hug him and tell him you love him no matter what and that you appreciate everything that he has done and is doing for your family.
God bless both of you on your journey it is not easy by any means but in the end can be very rewarding for both of you.  Patty

[Ms Grace]

It sounds like they are very depressed, any chance of getting them to see a counsellor? That might help them to open up and start discussing their issues, gender related or otherwise.

[BreezyB]

It is great that you are making the time to understand more about what your son is going through. What seems very clear is that you love and care for your son. That is such a great start to helping him work through this very emotional time. I am a parent of four young children, and I always make sure they understand that diversity in our world is everywhere, and it's good. It we didn't have diversity there'd be one type of butterfly, one type of tree, one type of river. A really boring place to live.

But certainly it sounds like your son needs to talk to someone, and someone experienced in transgender health. Believe me there is nothing 'wrong' with your son. He's just as normal as you or me. What he is is a young person trying to find is way in the world. I remember back to being a teenager and it was a crazy time, with hormones raging, not understanding how I fit in.

He may not feel comfortable speaking to you about it, or he may, you'll know him and how he is. But letting him know you love him NO MATTER what he tells you will be important for him to feel it's ok to be transgender. Definetly try contacting a transgender health clinic or gender therapist in your area. It will open your son up to understanding himself a lot better.

And in this post we're using a lot of 'he' and 'him'. That is sometimes quite distressing to a transgender individual so just be prepared that one day things may be different, he may in fact be a she. Good luck with this and I'll certainly be watching this post as a fellow parent with a son.

Bree

[LordKAT]

I have 2 suggestions to add to some of the good advice you have already received.

One, Make an appointment with the gender therapist, for yourself. Talk about how you feel and what fears you have as well as how you would like your child to be happy instead of depressed and alone. Then ask your child if they would like to see the therapist as this has helped you. Don't let on about reading the diary. If they ask why, tell them you are worried about them being so sad and you would like to see them happy.

Two, contact PFLAG. They are a group which deals with parents and family of gay and trans people.


Oh and a third, don't confuse gender with sexuality. Who one likes has nothing to do with ones gender.

[Consending]

Hey everybody I have bad news. I tried talking with my son about her gender issues. He told me that he doesn't want to transition and that he rather live his life as a male. I tried telling him its ok but he started crying (he wasn't even sobbing or breaking down, tears were only rolling down his eyes). He didn't realize he was crying until I told him. I got upset and I told him not to care what society thinks of you this is what he told me:

"We live in this society, if you step out of line you risk ruining your life. I need to get a job so I can take care of (my other son) and you guys when you're older. Its not normal to be transsexual, why would I want to ruin my own life? Don't talk to me about this again."

Later that day I saw him bitings his arm in an angry way very hard. I have never seen him do this before. I will have to call 911 to have him taken to a hospital were he can stay since he doesn't want to do anything about his gender issues and he is starting to hurt himself. Thank you all for your advice.

[Jill F]

I had a hard time accepting myself as trans and was against transitioning at first.  I ended up in the ER twice inside of a month.

If your kid is to the point of self-harm, it's time to do someting NOW.  Antidepressants and antianxiety drugs probably saved my life before I was able to go on estrogen.  After my brain got the correct hormones that it is hard wired for, I was able to get off of all other medications.

It is SO much better not being depressed and suicidal all the time.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Consending

It's not bad news.  I think you are being absolutely awesome in how you are approaching the issue of your child's transgender issues.  You've opened the door; now give it time.

We transgender folk end up with a huge amount of denial and self-doubt.  We place as many obstacles as we can in our paths, and many of us try desperately to avoid confronting what we are.  Many of us also create strong goals, such as your child's study ethic, so that we can try to escape thinking about ourselves.

As for ruining our lives by choosing to transition, I fully understand this fear.  I was terrified that I would find myself on the margins of society, and refused to recognise my true nature for over 20 years.  But society is different now, and in many places is much more accepting of transgender folk.

The talk and fear about not being a pretty girl is likely to be another strong part of your child's denial.  Many of us start out quite convinced that we shall never become attractive women.  But the reality is often quite different with not much more than the right hair and a bit of makeup. And FFS can perform miracles. 

I cannot really suggest how you might advance, but I think that little-by-little is probably going to be the key.

Hugs from Madrid
Julia

[BreezyB]

Hi Consending,

Yes Julia is right, this is not bad news. You are being a wonderful parent facing something that certainly isn't in the 'Parent User Manual'. For many of us, it takes years to come to terms with who we really are. I had 36 years of denying to myself and everyone else who I really am.

Not facing or coming to terms with my true self early on in life, resulted in many challenges being faced. I think I spent years in psychology going through every issue EXCEPT being transgender. I suffered from depression from a young age, attempted suicide and abused drugs. All so I could 'fix' what I thought was wrong with me.

I wish my mother had sat down with me and had an honest conversation when I was young. I would have done exactly what your son has done, I would have shutdown, said nothing's wrong and let's just get on with life. The truth is, knowing what I know know and having the experiences of a life in denial under my belt, that is not an advisable thing to do.

Many transgender girls transition and go on to live life just as any biological woman would, you would never know. That may be a path that your son would prefer to take. She is young and puberty would only be just setting in. By addressing her gender concerns now, it is a much better time medically to do this.

I wish you well with this, don't worry I feel you will get there, just don't lose hope.

Hugs,
Bree

[antonia]

Hey Consending,

I think approaching your daughter the way you did is awesome, I can only wish my mom had done the same for me when I was younger. Like your daughter I bottled everything up for many years, I decided that I would focus on other things in life and find meaning through those. I stuffed all things gender and sex related into the deepest darkest hole in my heart and decided that not feeling was preferable to feeling bad. To understand the feeling I recommend you picture yourself stuck in the body of a man seeing yourself getting burlier and burlier every day. In the end that bag just gets bigger and bigger until you can't contain it any longer and these feeling keep bursting out. It took me a while to realize that everyone deserves to be happy, including myself even if it does mean a certain amount of social discomfort for my family, significant other and co-workers.

The good news is we have so much more information and social acceptance now than when I was growing up, your daughter might feel like she will become a freak and a social outcast if she does explore this but my experience is the exact opposite.

I'm now 34, everyone in my life is totally supportive, nobody has rejected me, I have a successful career, my social life has blossomed and I've made so many new friends. My career has never been better and most importantly I'm happy.

Perhaps your daughter needs to see some of the great transition stories out there, unfortunately many of them blend into society in a way that we never know and so we have a distinct lack of role-models in this community.

If either of you ever need anyone to talk to or ask questions feel free to message me.

[Jo-is-amazing]

No one can say that her fears are rare.You need to make her realise though, that despite all the obstacles in her Path she, as a college educated trans person has a chance of being very successful and living a long and healthy advice. Try and find some examples if prominent trans people in her field and help her realise that giving into these feelings isn't the ending the world but the start of the a new beautiful happy one

[Consending]

Well hes in a pysch unit now. He will be evaluated for the next 3 days. I will update as more details go on.

[YinYanga]

I'm not really good with advice, especially with things as complex as this but I just want to give you a heartfelt *hug*, its wrenching

Really really hope his/her situation improves, even if its going to take time

You're doing what you can

[Abby Claire]

I really hope this story has a happy ending. Keep us updated.

[BreezyB]

Well hes in a pysch unit now. He will be evaluated for the next 3 days. I will update as more details go on.

My thoughts are with you both

[Athena]

Hugs

Best wishes for your family.

[Consending]

Thanks everybody. He is in the hospital now and he is very angry with me. So much so that his eyes are always bloodshot red when I tried visiting him. He wouldn't speak with me when I tried talking with him. He hasn't acted out or anything though. Atleast that is what the officials told me at the hospital.

[skin]

It sounds like he is worried about social stigma in general, so I imagine he sees being in a psych unit as very damaging.  Hopefully, in time he can accept that getting help is not a bad thing.  Keep being supportive, but don't push him towards any certain path.  Transitioning is not for everyone and if that is the path that is best for him he needs to get there on his own time.  Being there for him whichever direction he goes is all you can do and I am sure that in time he will be appreciative of that.  Best of luck.