What I thought was a blessing...

[Jessica Merriman]

...has turned into a curse. A curse of the worse kind which is finding yourself in an even deeper state of depression than pre transition.  My mind and body have feminized beyond my wildest imagination. Therein lies the curse. Knowing I will never get to take the final step of SRS is something weighing heavily on my mind. Even in my dreams where I am whole and happy it taunts me nightly now. I go to bed and lay there for hours now hoping not to fall asleep because I know I will wake up even more depressed and crying uncontrollably. I cannot bring myself to meet anyone or even consider any kind of relationship so my life is on hold while I get older every day. If I was 20 or 30 it would not be so bad, but I am 49 next month. There just is no end to it. Topping it off are those in the medical community who could help me, but have chosen profit over care. People who understand just how debilitating Dysphoria can be. Those who travel the globe giving free surgeries in other countries while neglecting this one. I do not expect them to work without compensation, but they are not taking Medicare because it is just not enough for them. I try not to be bitter, but it still shows. Yes, my progress is really just a curse mocking me every day now. Every day it is getting tougher to get up. Some day I fear I may not have the strength to do it as it all seems so hopeless. Sorry for the rant. I just had to get my thoughts out. Please don't reply to this.