This isolation is killing me

[androgynouspainter26]

I should be happy to be back at college but instead I feel just awful; I have only one real friend on campus and my emotional baggage is starting to be too much and I'm losing her.  I'm tired, overworked and just exhausted from everything I'm doing here.  My health (physical and mental) is already giving out, and I have literally no idea how I'm going to survive as the semester gets even harder.  I have no friends here.  Nobody really has time to make friends outside of our (small) department and I'm just not "in" with that group-I desperately want to be but nobody wants to be around me because I'm just so unhappy.  I bring everyone down, and they don't want to be around that.  Every single class I'm fighting to hold back tears and they know that's what I'm doing.  Nobody ever even offers me a smile.  And even when I'm outside the department, not holding back tears-nobody ever wants anything to do with me.

I feel so helpless here, because I know that as long as I feel this way nobody is ever going to want to be around me.  I spend every class fighting the urge to break down crying from the isolation and self hatred and exhaustion.  I don't know what to do-I'm just so sick of being unwanted.  I see all of the people I know enjoying one another's company, they never bother to invite me over to even let me eat dinner with them.  I just feel so unwanted, and I don't know what I can do about it because I just don't have the strength to pretend to be fine.  All I can feel is this deep, piercing sadness and it shows-all I can contribute to any conversation is dry cynisicm.  And...the more I think about it the less I actually want anything to do with the only people I have time to spend time with.  I don't have anything in commen with any of them-there's nobody on this entire campus who I actually have common ground with and the few I have met I am just too terrified to have anything to do with.  I just feel so horrible-I know I'm hell to be around so I feel obligated to isolate myself.  I can't talk to other people even because I know that if nobody out of the four thousand people here wants to be my friend, there is something wrong with me, and not with them.  Sorry for putting this here, even this damn forum must be sick of hearing me.  It's what I'm seeing everywhere-people are just sick of me, and my stupid pain, because it's all I can feel.  And I deserve to hate myself for it almost-I'm not worthy of anyone's friendship if all I can contribute is negativity, but that's all I can contribute because that's all I have in my life.

EDIT: I have a therapist-she's almost downright mean, but she's all we have on campus.  Not really the best of resources, but I try.

[Ms Grace]

I understand - it can be a self defeating spiral, feeling depressed usually causes you to cut yourself off from others which makes you more depressed, etc. Is there any group on campus (doesn't have to be LBGTI) that you can get involved with for social contact? I know smiling can be incredibly hard when all you want to do is cry - but it's what you need to do if you want to make people feel they can let you into their lives and social circles.

You are right to a point when you say that people probably don't want to be around you because you are unhappy, it's not that they don't care necessarily it's just that they may not know how to cope with a depressed person. If they've got stuff going on in their lives (usually the case) then they're even less likely to want to interact with a sad person.

Are you seeing a counsellor about your depression? If not, please do. When I tried transition the first time I became incredibly depressed and felt an awful lot like you have described. I didn't want to talk to my shrink about it because I didn't want him to think I wasn't coping...which was pretty silly of me! I really needed professional support and yet was avoiding it. Pretty much nuked my first attempt at transition.

I was also receiving injections of estrogen which tended to make me feel very teary and emotional as the dose wore off.

There's a lot going on for you, you can't necessarily do this alone, please find a professional who can help you with some coping mechanisms/techniques.

Hugs

[androgynouspainter26]

Grace,

Thanks, I really needed to hear something like that.  Yeah, I've been going to club meetings but people usually don't even bother to say hello...everyone goes with friends, so nobody there is really trying to meet anyone new.  Everyone is in their little clusters and don't seem to NEED any new friends so that's been a dead end so far-which really breaks my heart.  I know a few people in the queer community here actually, and I've hung out with a few but nobody seems to want anything more to do with me, and that really sucks.  It's not like they seem actively repulsed, but it's still rough.

It's really hard for me to do that-I'm trying for sure but faking a smile is always something I've always struggled with.  I feel depressed because I'm so alone here, but at the same time that depression is keeping me that way-it's a paradox I just can't seem to overcome.  People in my program don't want to deal with anyone who isn't only going to talk about the funny things that happened to them today, and that's never a conversation I can offer anything but sarcasm and cynicism too.

Believe me, I'm not avoiding professional support at all.  I have a therapist at my school's counseling center, but she's not really helping me, and unfortunately I don't have time (or a car) to see someone off campus.  She's quite critical which is sometimes good but often leaves me feeling like I have even more work to do when I leave than when we started our session. 

I feel like I know what I need-I need a sense of belonging.  My problem isn't one that can be solved with medication (I've tried) or therapy (I've also tried).  I just need to be a part of something and to not be alone all the time.  I still don't know how to get that, from anywhere.  If everyone I know hates me, it's like I have an obligation to stay away from people that don't.

Still, thanks for the kindness

[helen2010]

I am no expert and am surprised and disappointed that you are in such a bad place.  While I have only seen and interacted with you online you certainly present and occur to me and, I suspect, many others as thoughtful, smart, inquisitive and insightful.  Frankly just like the sort of folk that I seek to spend time with.  So unless this isn't you, something must be getting in the way.  If you or your counsellor, or indeed your best friend can't identify the issue eg depression, low energy, shyness, anger, dependence etc.... then it may be worth trying something entirely different.   

Find a new club, one that is just starting or indeed start your own.  Interest and passion tend to go hand in hand with energy and stimulation.  Find something you are passionate about and like generally attracts like.  Another approach may be to do something entirely for others.  Many folk find great benefit in service,  finding a group of folk less fortunate than you who need help and you can help.  This has always brought me much unexpected benefit.  The strange thing is that once I started focusing on helping others many other things started happening for me.

So not sure if the above helps, but you know the saying,  if you keep on doing what you are doing,  don't expect things to change.  Please let us know how things are going and btw venting is also good.  I am a good listener and folk have helped me by doing the same for me!

Safe travels

Aisla

[Felix]

Being really broken or visibly struggling can be off-putting. I used to have a lot of friends. A handful were close, and some were just people I hung out with for particular activities or situations. Then I had some bad stuff happen and I spent awhile being really off-kilter. I lost most of my friends once I was no longer fun to be around. Most people were kind and many people were supportive, but I was so distracted and emotional that it was hard for me to act normal, and I was gradually cut out of my social circles. When I was with friends it was hard for me to understand how they could be laughing and happy. The more people avoided me the more I needed them, and the more I needed them the more they avoided me. I got to where I stopped even trying, and I avoided friends preemptively so I wouldn't have to suffer the dysfunction so much. Some of them cared about me way more than I could allow, and I threw them under the bus in my efforts to stop failing so hard socially.

I don't know where I'm headed with this except to say that I've been there. What worked for me was to focus on entirely different things, to pursue the goals that were important enough to outshine all my personal horrors and deficiencies. I still don't have many friends, but the times I've been likable and approachable enough for friendships to be possible have been when I was engaging with strong interests. For me that's been political activism, music, food, hiking, basketball, rollerskating, whatever would have gotten me out of bed in the morning whether anything else was okay or not. Everybody is at their best when they do the things they love, and doing those things puts you into contact with your kinds of people anyhow.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Jera]

There was a time when I felt wildly popular. In parties, social events, or just hanging out, I was there, and I felt welcome. I had hundreds of friends, very literally hundreds of acquaintances, people who expressed genuine interest in just being around me.

Today, I am down to one. A single, true friend. And you know what? I will take the one, over the hundreds, for more reasons than I can ever describe in one post.

I get that want. I really, really do. But focus instead on what you do already have, because it is so precious. Maybe more will come, maybe it won't, and cherish that, too. But focusing on what you do not have will never end, because there will always, always be so much you do not have.

Focus instead on what is going right, because I see so much that is going right for you (and so much I wish I had, myself). A subtle shift in priorities and in perspective can go a long, long way. Treasure what you have, and not the many things you don't.

There's a lot I seriously envy about you, Sasha. I dearly hope you can find it in you to appreciate the beauty I see in you. Because that's what really matters in the end, even though what you feel now is so very strong. That beauty, when -you- cherish and project it, will attract so many more people to you than you probably even believe right now.

With love,
Mina

[TinaVane]

I say read books / watch tv ( I don't ) ... But I always been a loner but not a loner like I have been in Alaska

[Frankie]

Painter, I've been there many times...I am there now    Nothing last's forever, not love nor money...not even loneliness. You are aware of the negativity you are radiating thats a good thing, most people would not see it and may even blame others. I wish I could be there with you...I would tell you to get it out, cry, vent, scream, yell and carry on until its all out, I would say lets go have a cup of coffee and I will listen. You are not alone, there are a lot of us in this world...the special ones who have the strength, endurance, and mindset to stand alone, like I said...you are not alone, we are here (((HUGS)))