Undoing the Damage

[runaway]

I've come to see that people are shaped by their environment physically, emotionally and mentally, and these changes become more set as time goes on. Together with genetic predisposition, our life experiences combine and interact to make us who we are today.

I always thought the physical process of transition would be the most difficult, but I've come to realize it's the behavioural and thought patterns that are so insidiously destructive.

Having to hide myself growing up, meant that I had to be constantly vigilant of my surroundings. Hiding clothing in unlikely locations, watching and analyzing people, lying effectively.

I had to be proficient at being paranoid, over-analytical, and emotionally cloistered. It's become a part of who I am, but I don't want it to be so.

I always thought going stealth was just trading one skeleton in the closet for another, so I resolved to transition openly. But how is this any different from trying to suppress who I've become today from growing up transgender? Is this just as futile as trying to change who I was at birth?

[Alice Rogers]

I feel your pain hun, but you will find that time and practice can do amazing things for you.

My gender clinic referred me to a Voice and Body Language Therapist and she has been amazing, she has helped me chase away many of my telltale habits and behaviours.

As for hiding and lying I found that it was easy to ease off on that stuff simply because it became redundant.

When it comes to emotional cloistering you might find your hormones (if you plan to go on hrt) will pretty much rip all those walls away, or at least reshape them!

There was a point I passed recently, not sure exactly when but I look back and I realise I no longer feel like a woman trapped in a mans body, I now feel like a woman.

Alice
xx

[AnonyMs]

Wow, I know where you're coming from. I had a conversation with a therapist along the same lines. I don't recall his exactly words but it was something to the effect that being like this you tend to have less happiness in life, which I can quite understand. I replied that I couldn't see myself changing significantly, its just not possible. Part of the problem is that there are benefits to being paranoid and analytical - I tend not to make mistakes (apart from missing out on things), and that in many ways has served me very well in life. The other part of it, is that's its just so deeply ingrained. I've no idea what I would have been like without being trans.

The emotional walls are pretty bad though. I've been on hrt for some years, and while its had some emotional effect I was hoping for more. I've been increasing the dosage recently, so I'm quite keen to see what happens there.

I also look at change as a process of growth rather than suppressing myself. Its a more positive view, and I think more accurate.

[Alice Rogers]

Could the emotional walls be the result of having noone to confide in, to just hug you and listen?

I often find myself wishing I had some trans friends locally, just so I can relax and talk with people who completely understand what I am going through.

If anyone in yorkshire is reading this PM me!

Alice
xx

[AnonyMs]

I don't know any trans people at all, and Sydney is apparently full of them. This is where my paranoia doesn't help, as I'm very reluctant to go find them. The Gender Center here has meetings I could go to, but somehow I never have. I'm not actually clinically paranoid fortunately, but I think am pretty far outside the normal range. My user name, AnonyMs, reflects this pretty well...

I speak very openly with my psych, and I think its been helping. I probably should get out more.