meeting

[Bronwethiel]

Hi,

I live in a very remote part of a Canadian province.  Mostly farms and ranches around here.  If I attend any meetings for trans people, or try to see a therapist, I have a 6 hour drive.

So, on Sunday tomorrow, there is a meeting at a coffee shop in that particular nearest city (3 hours away).  Last time I went I was a little late and when I got there, the only other person that showed up at all, had left.

On top of the drive, it costs about $120 in gas money, which hurts big time.

The thing is, I know it's what I need.  In order to move ahead and explore the possible future I might have as me, this is just the opportunity that is required.  I can't sit at home by myself and come to that acceptance that is so neccessary to my well being.

There's always the huge risk of being hasseled in some way.  Using washrooms brings my heart to the major thumping mode everytime I go in to one.

I'm mad at myself for being so wishy washy about this.  Some might say, "What's to think about?  Quit your whining and go."  In the end I probably will, but it takes away from other things in my life.  I have lots of work needing my attention and the money could sure be spent elsewhere.  I feel so guilty about using money that should go towards bills for my personal needs.

I'm really feeling tonight like things would be so much simpler if only....

And of course, I will need to go alone.  I'm always alone.  I will see someone hopefully when I get there but there's a lot of scary time before and after.

Faith

[Devlyn]

Big hug! That is a long ride. I hope it goes well at the meeting!

Hugs, Devlyn

[butterflies]

don't you ever feel guilty about wasting your money on bills when you could use it on something else you need?
Are working, paying bills and paying taxes the only things you need out of life? If they are then don't go.
Otherwise, good luck.
It sounds like a remote place like that would be really lonely to live in. I hope the meeting goes well.

[Bronwethiel]

Thank you so much Devlyn. 

I did go to the meeting and it was an amazing day.  The meeting was at a coffee shop and seeing as how the weather was so good we sat outside.  I got to wear a new (to me) jean jacket that was looking and feeling so good on.  I haven't much experience shopping etc., presenting as myself, and the girls there convinced me that I was more than OK to go into stores etc.  I guess they were right, because I went in two very large stores by myself, shopped, went through tills and was called a "SHE" twice by a clerk at a till.  He was having troubles with the interact machine and had to get a supervisor.  They both totally male failed me.  (I think that is the term)

Plus, because it was a long day for me (what with all the driving etc.) I used public washrooms throughout the day without incident.

It was so memerable.  The only trouble being I can't wait to go again.  Today has been very difficult.  I'm thinking I may have just made another inner discovery and another step towards my future, whatever that is going to be.

Faith