Hello,
Can it be possible that my body and soul is going thru transition without me choosing to do so? Lets see if I can explain what I mean and what I am going through, without turning this into a novel. For 40 years I have lived as a cis male. I never, until just recently even tried on makeup or any feminine clothing. When I was a child, I got traumatized about what boys and girls should and should not do. My Aunt who is 4 years older than me was painting my nails. I was around 5. I liked it, I asked her to paint them. I remember the smell and the colors and it made me smile outside and inside. I was just being a kid. My Dad walked in and freaked out. Started yelling at my Aunt, he grabbed her by the hair and threw her across the room. Very violently screaming at her "What the hell is wrong with you, my son is not a f*gg*t.. don't you ever paint his nails ... bla bla bla . He started hitting her in the head. I attacked him, biting and scratching him and screaming that "I made her paint my nails , leave her alone or I will kill you!" To this day my Aunt HATES fingernails and toenails and she has no idea why. I know why
It is sad too because she has two beautiful daughters and never was able to get the joy of painting their nails. To her, nails are disgusting. A year later My mom let me stay at a friends over night. I was quite fond of his twin sister. I loved her cute clothes. She always lit the room with her smiles and giggles. Us three had lots of fun and it took us hours to clean up all the toys and dismantle the forts we build all over the house. When I got home my Dad asked "Where the hell have you been" I told him and he started yelling at my Mom "I told you he is not allowed to sleep over any boys house no matter what!" I screamed at him "Just shut up, just shut up you are wrong, I like his sister I am not GAY!" Well he was shocked and he punched me right in the eye, knocked me out. I woke up to my parents screaming at each other, I was in my Mothers arms. After that life got rocky, they divorced and My dad did not take it so well. We were the first divorced family in the area and EVERYONE wanted to evaluate us. The therapists told me it was not my fault but I knew the truth, a truth the therapists were uncomfortable talking about. My older brother picked up on my Dads violent tendencies and I had to be the protector of my Mom, my little brother and myself from my older brothers fits of rage. I suppressed my like of girly things, colors, flowers, singing, jump rope.. etc. You can only suppress things so long I suppose...
Fast forward 30+ years later... I got bitten by a tick and contracted Lymes Disease in 2006. I was in bad shape for a few years. Hospitalized a few times, once for over a week because I was puking blood. I lost 30 pounds. I lost all the muscle mass I had worked so hard to build up in order to appear manly. I was an alcoholic as well, trying to drown my pain and sickness in a drunken haze. I am much better now. I quit drinking two years ago and have been eating better and started taking care of my body again. Here is where things get strange...
My butt and hips look very girly. I have also developed small breasts. Not pectoral muscles like I had before. At first I was worried but now I like it! I sit like a girl, walk like a girl, stand like a girl. When I am happy, I light up and my face can look very feminine. All these things I was aware of throughout the years but I hid it. I always tried to not walk or stand or act girly. I always we are a trench coat to hide my butt. All through school, I had to watch the boys to learn to act like them in order to fit in. I had to work out extra hard to not have a chick build. I have had long hair since my teens and I thought that is why many times people mistake me for a woman. Children often would ask if I am a boy or a girl. It never bothered me. But I tell them Boy. Lately it has been happening more frequently. Children refer to me as "her" or "she" all the time now. When I hear it I just smile and glow. I don't correct them like I used to. I hear "ma'am" and "miss" all the time now when I am out places. Again I just smile. This is all happening and I am not dressing like a girl or wearing makeup. All my old pants are folded in the closet they no longer fit well. I have been wearing waffle pants or sweats for the last two years.
Last month I was reading some articles about the Transgender community and how unfair and horrible people treat them. My cousin is a FTM and I have seen how he was treated over the years. As I was reading this I realized that I am somehow transitioning. I decided to do a little experiment and had my female friend dress me up. Skirt , makeup and did my hair. It was shocking! I got a little sexual excitement by it but that faded within a few minutes . Something inside me just RUSHED like... hard to explain. Seeing myself like that just feels so right! I tingled all over. I have been painting my nails since and when I look at my hands it looks normal, like it has always supposed to be there. My nails are also perfect. I mean exceptionally perfect. Some girls think I spent a bunch of money to get them done. I did nothing to them except let them grow and then painted them. I hardly even file them, only if there is a rough edge.
Now with all this new stuff I feel, I am coming to realization that I hid the real me from myself and the world for all these years. I have talked to my Mom about it and she is understanding, but does not yet understand. She thinks it has to do with sexual behavior but I keep trying to explain that it has nothing to do with sex. In fact my "parts" have calmed down and I no longer need to masterbate to relieve a tension that has always plagued me. I used to do it 5+ times a day. It is like the testosterone is trapped down there with my man bits and I have to let a demon out to stop the swelling. Since I have been embracing my feminine side I think I am getting a rush of estrogens and that is calming my body!
I need to see a doctor I am sure. And a therapist. I do not like doctors or therapists one bit. I have read up on HRT and think I may benefit from it. My body already wants to go that way and I want to aid it. Sometimes I feel weak or low energy. Could be my Lymes disease or or could be that my body needs more estrogen. Again, I need a doctor... other than when I had to be admitted puking up blood, I have not been to the doctors since I was 17.
I have been scanning this forum here and you all are such awesome people. I am going through something and I think I found this place not by accident. I think it is destiny. I have a million questions and the girl inside me is laughing and clawing her way out! I don't think I could stop her even if I wanted to. I am single with no kids, never been married. I have a good job and good friends so I think if I decide to do a full transition It can go smooth. With the support of Susan's place, I may just get to be who I was always meant to be. Thanks for reading my summary
-Jade
