caught by wife

[angie]

My wife caught me in full woman mode on Thursday, she knows a little about my problem but can't come to terms with it she told me I could be a woman but not when she is around, she would not even look at me and was so concerned about someone we know seeing me out like that. She said I wasn't her husband looking like that, she has pain problems and I have to dill with them every day, why can't she understand my problem and let me be me! Really want to go full-time but I love her and don't want to lose her! I'm torn apart inside trying to figure out what to do !  Please help!

[peky]

My wife caught me in full woman mode on Thursday, she knows a little about my problem but can't come to terms with it she told me I could be a woman but not when she is around, she would not even look at me and was so concerned about someone we know seeing me out like that. She said I wasn't her husband looking like that, she has pain problems and I have to dill with them every day, why can't she understand my problem and let me be me! Really want to go full-time but I love her and don't want to lose her! I'm torn apart inside trying to figure out what to do !  Please help!

I recommend you see a therapist trained on counseling transgender people, then after a few sessions with your therapists, you can have your wife participate on the therapy for two reasons: first, she herself would need some therapy to sort her feeling out and second, to get a bit of education on what gender identity dysphoria is all about...

Good luck!

[angie]

Had an appointment on the 3rd but was talked out of going by my wife, never thought it was the right choice but decided not to go anyway, am going to make another appointment on Monday

[Sydney_NYC]

Angie,

I'm glad your making another appointment. Even if your wife cancels on you the last minute, still go. It's important for you!!! You wife is trying to stall the inevitable of you transitioning from the sound of it. If she doesn't go, she can only blame herself for not trying to work this out. My marriage did survive transitioning. (I've been full time since March) and I know 4 other transwomen personally that have also had their marriages survive and about 1/2 dozen that didn't. Keep in mind that your wife will have to transition along the way as well. My wife happens to be pansexual and was out to me (but not her parents) years before I transitioned. That doesn't mean your wife has to be bi or pansexual for it to work. (One of my friends wife's identifies as a straight women but their marriage survived.) Or that if she is, it's not guaranteed to work out. She has to come to terms with it herself, but in order for it to have a chance to work, both sides have to be open and honest about everything. Communication is key!!!!

You say that you don't want to lose her. Ask yourself this questions because it's a worse case scenario. Would you rather be yourself without her or pretend to be someone with her? At the same time ask her this, would she rather you be yourself with or without her, or would she rather be with someone who is pretending to be someone to please her? It's a very loaded question, but one that speak true to the heart for both you and her.

[angie]

Thanks for all the good advice it is helping me come to terms with it and I am starting to understand that I have to do this if she is with me or not, it's not up to her! I can only hope she can understand and support me like I've supported her through all of her pain issues

[suzifrommd]

Really want to go full-time but I love her and don't want to lose her! I'm torn apart inside trying to figure out what to do !  Please help!

Angie, you can't control whether you lose your wife or not. That's up to her. This may surprise you, but there is nothing, nothing you can do to keep her married to her if she decides not to be.

You also do not have the option not to be "you". You will be you no matter what.

Your only choice is whether to keep suppressing who you really are, at great cost to yourself, or to give in to it.

What your wife does about it is up to her.

Make sense?

[caitlyn powers]

Dear Angie,

I second the gender therapist recommendation.  Who knows, you may discover that you do not need to transition, which may give you and your wife comfort.  If you determine, through counseling, that transition is necessary, your therapist can help arm you with the knowledge you will need.  And, perhaps, you and your therapist may get your wife to accept it as well.  Of course, if you do need to transition, your marriage may not last.  Not a lot of women signed up for marrying another woman, unbeknownst to them at the outset.

Good luck and keep your chin up!

Cate

[angie]

I'm pretty sure I've already decided that I need to transition the only problem is is I love my wife  and I'm having a hard time accepting that even though I  love her I have  to and I need to move on , with my life  just hope she can grow to accepted and doesn't  move on with hers right it the door

[SorchaC]

You say that you don't want to lose her. Ask yourself this questions because it's a worse case scenario. Would you rather be yourself without her or pretend to be someone with her? At the same time ask her this, would she rather you be yourself with or without her, or would she rather be with someone who is pretending to be someone to please her? It's a very loaded question, but one that speak true to the heart for both you and her.

Good questions indeed. I reached the same point with my wife. She didn't want to be lesbian and was thinking of a compromise of single beds in same room and me accepting every now and then she would need her fun. I still believe it wasn't her own feelings that changed more that she couldn't deal with the reaction from her family who already viewed the male version of me as some ogre because she moved away from them to be with me.

Angie, you can't control whether you lose your wife or not. That's up to her. This may surprise you, but there is nothing, nothing you can do to keep her married to her if she decides not to be.

You also do not have the option not to be "you". You will be you no matter what.

Your only choice is whether to keep suppressing who you really are, at great cost to yourself, or to give in to it.

What your wife does about it is up to her.

Make sense?

I also agree with this. I either gave up being me or I followed my true feelings. Wife asked me "If you could choose what would your ideal situation be?" I replied "transition and remained married to you" She replied "You can have one or other and as I know you'll never be happy till one day in the future you do this I suggest you go and do it now while you're young enough to survive the operation" That was it, Off I went. The point is very few trans are ever happy giving up on themselves to please others. In not being happy yourself you'll likely cause upset for all around you. Sure the wife won't be throwing any parties if she loses you but then in a way she already has lost the man she married. Her choice is wether the person she married means more to her than  how they dress or the name they have. She may not be sexually attracted to you as a woman but you're still the same person and maybe post transition you will become an even nicer happier person.

Good Luck

Sorcha