Quote from: oryx on October 11, 2014, 10:42:59 AM
My son, Terry, has told us he is transgender last week. He is hoping to get a hormone prescription on Monday. He is 20 and has had one session with a transgender counselor. Terry has been thinking and researching on the topic for 5 months. He had never thought about it before then. Terry, his father and I can't think of any gender issues he had growing up. Terry says he wishes there was something growing up that would indicate he was transgender but he can't think of anything either overcompensating or feminine except his friends teased him for not being as strong as they were and wanting to wear a towel like a woman not a man. He has chosen low key, geeky male dominated pursuits like dungeons and dragons and violent video games. We have given our kids whatever gifts they asked for regardless of whether they stereotypically matched their gender, but Terry has always wanted video games and science (bugs, dinosaurs) type gifts.
Terry got depressed around age 16 or 17 and took the depression quiz a few times but it didn't indicate depression until he was 19, but I believe he was depressed before that and has had significant sleep issues since age 17. He went away to college, thought he was too smart to need to study or attend class, had his first love affair, was dumped and ended up on academic probation. He has not dealt with any of that. He says he has tried to feel but can't. He practically glowed when talking about the girlfriend to me; I was surprised because there wasn't any sadness about it being over, just a happy glow.
He has always wanted to be like his father, He uses the word "perfect" to describe his father. His father is very good at hiding his mistakes and has a number of asperger's traits (it runs in the family) like an incredible memory, acute perfectionism and difficulty with emotions. Terry says he does not respect me because I am not perfect.
Terry is currently working part-time, and is not taking any medications. He went to a counselor (general, not transgender) for a few months but I doubt he opened up. He says that ->-bleeped-<- is the only thing that has made him feel happy for years and wants to start taking hormones as soon as possible.
What are your thoughts? What is the best way for me to support him?
Dear Ms. Oryx,
I would like to share a few points that I hope can bring some light to you situation, and they are:
First, you child should not disrespect you no matter what, specially since it seems you are a good mother. One can always make some allowances for the teen angers and young adults that have not learn some social graces, and are sometimes blunt and harsh in their words without purposely trying to be mean ... so do not take it to hard...
Second, I suspect your soon may prefer the pronouns she/her/hers rather than he/him/his, and probably would prefer to be referred as a daughter rather than a son... perhaps you could breach the topic with your child
Third, modern medical research seems to indicate the Gender Identity Dysphoria (GID) is caused by a biological mishap during fetal development. So the upbringing and other social experiences have little or none effect on its manifestations. Some of us, affected by GID, manifest our dysphoria (unhappiness) with our assigned gender early in life (4 YO), other during the teenage years, and other at various times during adulthood. I for one stated to my Mom that I was a girl and not a boy when I was 4 YO
Fourth, like your child, I too developed and master several very male dominated sports (martial arts, motorcycle racing, etc), and ended up in a profession that is mostly a male occupation (sciences and engineering), however, that did not meant that I had any doubts about my innate gender identity... that brings me to a important point, and that is that of the difference between the "innate gender identity" and those roles, activities, and/or characteristics that society ascribes them as "feminine" or "masculine." The main difference is that we can choose our "gender roles or activities" but we cannot choose our "gender identity."
Fifth, in regard to the girlfriend... many of us are trans-woman who prefer other women as our sexual partners, while others do prefer man, and yet another are bisexual... perhaps this is another point to be brought up with your child...
Finally, let me share a quote that is commonly heard around the families of transgender children... I would rather have a doughtier/son that a death child... the suicide rate among transgender people is the highness among all the mental conditions....
I hope this points could push into the path of supporting your child even if you do not understand it
OO
Peky
