Coming out to myself

[Coolsummer121]

So I've finally made the final step in admitting to myself that I am trans. Its so difficult, especially since there's the obvious fact that im in a male body, it makes me feel like I need to just shove it down and deal with these feelings. I just am so happy that I made this...summit before it was too late and I wasted more and more of my life as someone I'm not. It's been really hard, especially growing up in the household I did. My parents are both hardcore Christian and I don't think they would ever accept me for who I am. So I've been doubting myself a lot, thinking "it's just a phase, you'll get over it". Even though I know I never will. Because it's me, this is who I am. I've told some more people since I made the realization,  and the amount of support I've received from people I'd never expect it from is completely mind blowing.

Anyways, I just wanted to say hello and hear anything that people have to say about coming out and how to deal with...the beginning. Thanks everyone!

[Mitchell the Deathbell]

Hello!
Coming out is such a brave thing to do, I applaud this decision that you've made to be honest and accepting to yourself.
Just today, in honor of National Coming Out Day, I came out as transgender to a few members of my family and friends on Facebook. I
haven't checked if anyone has responded to it yet, I'm a bit nervous to hear what everyone will say really. But all is well, if worst
comes to worst, I have to keep myself together. I'm sure I can do it; I'm sure we can all do it.
Be true to yourself and know it isn't your fault or anyone's fault, you know yourself better than anyone else does. Don't let anyone tell
you who you are and what your feelings are...
There are people out there to help you through these tough times in your life (like the many people on this site, and the ones you said
you have support from.)
Stay strong

[Lyric]

Hi, Cool and welcome to Susan's. At this point it's good to realize that "what you are" is unique and you need to realize the course that's best for your. There's no off-the-shelf way to be "trans". There are number of different ways to be (and new ones turning up all the time), so don't try to fall into someone else's. Take it slow and feel yourself out through actual experiences.

As far as dealing with parents, there are literally hundreds of people on this forum who've gone through the same thing. It's not easy for anyone, but you can get lots of good advice. Mine is to take it slow and get a solid understanding of yourself before you ask others to understand you. If you can find someone outside the family to talk about it with, that would help a lot.

[Coolsummer121]

Thank you for the support it really is confusing. At times I feel like I'm just fighting everything, I really am a guy, I can't possibly be a woman inside. There's just no way, you know? But then something happens. I'll be kissing my girlfriend (who knows and is very very supportive) and suddenly I'll realize that I'm allowing my subconscious mind to take over my body. My body then sends back the physical reaction of...well being a male. Bam! Clash! Suddenly everything falls dead and I don't know what's going on, I feel one way physically and another emotionally and just...ugh. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow in the right gender version of my body. It's so frustrating, especially having built this male persona my whole life. I'm trying to fight it, to let myself be me. But it's so hard to untrain 23 years of social conditioning

Does anybody else have thoughts like this? I.e, am I really not a trans person, am I wrong? If so, then where do I fall? I just am so lost. I was so sure a week ago and now I'm in emotional turmoil trying to figure out where I am in this darkness

[meganjames]

Hi Coolsummer121.

I'm in similar situation, although not even my wife is aware, so you're lucky you have such a great GF.

If you're not already  can I suggest you try to have some sessions with a therapist experienced in dealing with gender issues. I've had 5 sessions so far, and while ultimately the answer has to come from you, it's been great to talk around my thoughts and feelings, and have a sounding board. I'm still not sure about who and what I am, but it's certainly helping me bring a very fuzzy picture slowly into focus.

I've found it hard and confusing too, but I'm enjoying a journey of discovery about myself.

Megan.

[Lyric]

Well, Cool, as difficult a dilemma as this duality is right now, there is a basically normal human thing going on with you. A little realized fact about sexuality is that practically everybody has a sexual self inside that contains things in conflict with who they think they are the rest of the time. Super conservative religious people are the worst, in fact. But for some of us, it presents a special problem because when your sexual self feels more masculine while the rest of the time you may feel more feminine.

There's no off-the-shelf answer to this. At some point you're going to have to realize that you're probably not going to blend into the populace as either just an "ordinary" woman or an "ordinary" man. Your needs are unique to you and you probably will need to custom tailor a lifestyle that works for you and may seem kind of weird to the average person. The truth is, though, an "average" person is just a unique person who is hiding their specialness from themselves.

Your "male persona" and your female one are going to have to find a way to coexist. Lots of people do this, but there's no cookie-cutter way. I'm sure much of the time you think you'd like to just "be trans" and follow the same life blueprint as many of the trans people on this forum, for instance. But for you, that might be as bad as denying your femaleness and trying to be entirely male.

I would suggest you begin feeling out your own desires in detail. What exactly feels good about being feminine to you? Is it fashion? Is it body shape? Is it a social thing? Probe your interests. Do the same with your maleness. Once you understand exactly what these things mean you can start to consider ways to satisfy them both. It won't be easy (every), but it will be super satisfying eventually.

[OlderTG]

Congratulations on accepting who you are. I can identify with your process. I suppressed my thoughts and feelings all my life so that I didn't recognize what was going on. Even as I started to realize, I doubted and pushed the thoughts away until I had no choice but to accept myself. You now know what a wonderful, happy feeling it is to finally realize and accept yourself.

I was so sure and confident...until I told my wife and she had a bad reaction. That sent me into a spiral of doubt, sadness and depression. But still the realization may hide for a time, but it keeps popping out strongly. While the doubt I'm sure is agonizing for you as well, I look at mine as leading to ultimate confirmation and strengthening of my feelings. My family wants me to see a gender therapist in the hope that the therapist will rule me insane, while I welcome a challenge to my thoughts and feelings so I can be declared either absolutely crazy or very sane and TG (and I'm very firmly convinced in spite of frequent periods of doubt that I am TG).

You are not alone. The way you express your doubts is so similar to how I feel at times. But when I tell myself I'm really a guy and think and feel like a guy, how can I tell that? Have I thought and felt like a woman all my life and not like a man at all? I've related to girls/women better than to men all my life; I feel comfortable around women, but not among a group of men.
This is a very scary process and I often start doubting when I interact with loved ones who feel hurt and angry. I also doubt when I think of how scary and lengthy the transition process will be. When I calm down and allow myself to be me, I am a woman. I hope both - and all of us here who haven't already - can come to terms with our true identity.

[Coolsummer121]

Thank you for sharing your story. That made me feel much better, knowing that there's somebody out there who feels similarly and can identify with my situation. It makes it much more difficult a decision when you have all of these societal norms pressing down on you, and I know it can be very rough. I mean heck, I'm only really in the beginning. But it helps to know more about other people. If you'd like, you can message me and tell me more in detail your story. We could bounce ideas and opinions back and forth.

[Kaylee H.]

Hi Cool,

Your situation seems incredibly similar to what I am currently going through.
I seemed so certain of who I was and what I wanted, and coming from a very conservative Christian family,
I thought I finally found that this wasn't a sin, and that I should be fine.

But then I hit a wall, like everything was switched around on me, and now all I do is struggle and doubt.
As it has been said, you are not alone.

May I ask a question though?  Please don't take offence.  I only ask because it is a doubt that sometimes pops into my mind.

Could the sudden change in doubt versus certainty be because God closed a door to you?

Sometimes I tell myself no, it's not the case, because of the other events surrounding the situation.
But at other times, I go back to questioning that.  It leaves me uncertain.

Again, I only ask to get an opinion from someone who seems to be in a similar boat as me.

Kaylee

[OlderTG]

Kaylee,
You didn't ask me, but as an ordained minister I want to respond. I hit a wall myself and have doubted. If you read what others have posted in various threads, you'll find they often hit walls as well.

Could it be that God has closed a door? Who am I to tell you or anyone what God has done? However, I do not believe that this is necessarily true. It might be, but my feeling is that if a door has closed it isn't because recognizing who you really are is a sin. It might be that God is asking you to question (not doubt); challenge (not deny); and be sure (rather than simply charge ahead). I believe firmly of course that God knows us better than we know ourselves. I suppose it could be that God closes a door because he knows it just isn't the right door for us. However, could it also be that God wants us to pause a while before passing through that door?

I won't say that you shouldn't question and explore. We must. I only suggest that you not jump to conclusions about God. I've had many doubts - and at times close to complete denials - of who I am. However, I've also felt God assuring me that this is right and true.

Don't let roadblocks deter you. If one door closes, look for another to open rather than assume you aren't meant to be who you know you are. And consider that many of the doubts and roadblocks we'll come across are of human doing rather than God's doing.

No, I can't give you any certainty one way or another, but I believe with all my heart that God knows us and loves us; God wants us to be who we are meant to be; God wants us to be happy. The Greatest Commandment is to love God and to love our neighbor as ourselves. We MUST love ourselves in order to give our neighbor the love they deserve. Allowing yourself to become who you really are is the ONLY way for you to love yourself enough to pass on love to others. My hopes and prayers are with you.
Paula

[Coolsummer121]

Kaylee,

The only response that I can give to you is that yes, I have questioned myself from a religious viewpoint many times. Questions like "if I was created by God, and my soul anchored to this body, how could I possibly be in a body of the wrong sex for my identity?" Or "if God exists, why would he do this to me?"
I think a large part of the reason that people like you and I ask these questions internally is not because we are doubting ourselves, but because we are searching for an absolute. Something that tells me 100% that I am right, or that I am wrong. Either way would be a blessing.

I understand the need for confirmation within you, but I do not personally feel that the God you and I both grew up with exists. If God is there, God knows you. If God built you, made you, created you, then God loves you no matter what. The western "gay-hating" symbol of the lord is absolutely wrong. It's a persona created by homophobes and derogatory capitalists who run this country, to keep up the status quo.

And lastly, thank you for your response. It's very comforting to know that I'm not the only one doubting myself here

[PucksWaywardSon]

In a similar position (the other direction) and a fair bit older than you... and I'm swinging wildly between "Why is it such a long waitlist for the GIC I need surgery and hormones and a magic wand that will make all the horribly complicated paperwork magically happen overnight and I need it NOOOOWWWW" and "eh, I've survived this long, maybe I can just suck it up and cope with being in a girl body" but the fact is I've never grown up and the more I come to terms with the idea of being trans, the more convinced I am that all those feelings of being "stalled out in my teens" that I could never find words for might have really been treating puberty the same way I've treated everything else that ever felt traumatic in my life - dissociate, distract, disengage, ignore. So facing that and realising that while I can call myself a girl (at the moment, that's getting harder) I could never call myself a woman or a lady... but guy... man? Maybe I could see myself as an adult that way. And that thought process is one of the hooks I'm trying to hold onto when I have those doubts against being trans...

[Kaylee H.]

I think you got it right there Cool, I do seem to be looking for that absolute certainty. 
I keep asking for that in prayer, sometimes it seems to get answered, but doubts keep coming back.
Maybe it's just not time yet for me.

I hope it doesn't turn out that way for you.  I hope you find what you need without too much struggle.

Paula...
Thanks for the response, too.
I keep finding myself trying to hang on to the past, when I was more certain,
which makes me unable to either see or accept any other open door out there.
It's a daily struggle, I guess.

Kaylee

[OlderTG]

Kaylee,
My personal observation is that things seem certain when people who are in positions of authority such as pastors are there telling others what is certain. Such as this action and this action plus this and that belief = salvation. This action or that action = sin and damnation.
My belief is that it is God's judgment of me that matters; not the judgment of another human; my relationship with God that brings salvation or possible damnation. My belief is that the certainty God presents to us is unconditional love.

What is not at all certain is what God's plans for us are, how other humans' actions or interactions or even our own will affect those plans God may have for us.

I am certain that my questions and uncertainty about being transgender are caused by the feelings and opinions of other humans; my own family and society at large. That uncertainty can be very painful for me and I can tell that it is for you as well, however it is so very important for each of us to go through that uncertainty in order to feel absolutely right with such an enormous life altering epiphany. Not even necessarily in terms of God, but for us and our lives here on earth.

However, even trying to be right with God, we are bound to have doubts and second thoughts. Having true faith in God means having doubts as well. Does being transgender mean to you only bodily, earthly pleasure or does it mean feeling really right, true and who you are meant to be? In my journey during times I didn't even know I was on a journey, there was a certain amount of 'earthly pleasure' associated with my feelings. My 'epiphany' came, however, not out of any earthly pleasure but out of a realization of who I am and who I was meant to be. With that realization came a lifting of weight from my shoulders; a feeling of happiness I'm not sure I've ever known; a feeling of being right with myself and a love for myself which is necessary before we can love God and others fully.

For atheists, agnostics, etc reading this, I apologize for offense you may feel. I do not at all intend this as an absolute statement that has meaning for you or others with varying degrees of faith or none at all. Even for very religious, faithful people, I fully realize that what I've said may or may not have meaning for you. It does seem to me that putting God into the picture or not, our doubts are a healthy reaction for us in the long run in order for us to be absolutely sure we are who we believe we are. The process of self-doubt may not be necessary at all for those who know their gender from early childhood, though I think it may well be helpful for those of us who come to realize our identity later in life.

I've prayed, doubted, questioned over and over until I have no doubts left. This only leaves me sure and confident as I proceed from here. I've had only one meeting so far with a gender therapist but I welcome this time with her to further strengthen and complete my knowledge of myself as a woman.

Kaylee and Coolsummer, I can't tell you what God thinks, but from what I've read in your posts, you are who you think you are and if that is so, God certainly loves you and will only share in the joy of that understanding.

[Coolsummer121]

Honestly for me Kaylee, it seems that now that I've gotten the ball rolling, I really don't have much choice in the matter. This feels right to me, almost 100%. The question I always ask myself in situations of doubt like this is "would I do it if nobody else was around to tell me not to?". In other words, I guess I just ask myself if it was only up to me and there was no judgment or anguish involved, would I go through with it?


And for me, the answer is always yes. I love everything about being a girl, from fashion to physical things like menstruation and pregnancy. I've been obsessed with it since I was young, and just never made the connection. Coming from a similar sounding household, I'm sure you can appreciate the facets of denial and disbelief that we go through as trans people. How could this possibly be true? I never thought that I would be here where I am today, and here I am now.

Rant time: I got called gay by a coworker today. I work an electrician's apprentice out of San Jose, and it's a very masculine and aggressive career field. You have to be tough and manly, or you get made fun of. Sure I have black fingernails and I wear a bandana around my neck, but that doesn't mean I'm gay! Gosh. Typical men the hardest part about it to me was that I found myself wanting so badly to explain what the truth really is, but this is definitely not the environment or the people I want knowing me that deeply. And I feel so....left out. I don't feel like I fit here at all. That's the hardest part about it, is just not identifying with the general populace as a whole. I feel like an outcast, I always have. And it makes me feel anxious and uneasy when I'm forced to be someone I'm not, to try to fit in. I guess the correct term is to "pass" as male. Just a random topic.

[Kaylee H.]

To be honest, I'm jealous of your certainty right now, Cool.  I've been living in my struggle of uncertainty and doubt for a quite a while now, that it's hard to know what feels right anymore.
I've been asked those same questions before, and I know at those times I've said "yes" as well.  I think a small part of me still says "yes," but my doubts won't leave me, and I'm left uncertain in regards to that question because of it.  I think that doubt is a big symptom of my problem with Asperger's Syndrome.

For me, I honestly don't remember much of my youth, and what I do remember is very vague with no clear record of when it occurred.  I've wondered about what I love about being a girl though, but in my current state of mind all I can think of is that I like looking like a girl.

I feel your pain in regards to your job.  I too, work in a very masculine environment.  I work at a steel warehouse.  They all know I'm a little weird, though not for gender reasons, more for Asperger's/OCD type reasons.  So I guess I have a fall back response if they ever question things.  Though, the way my doubts affect me make it a little easier to fit in there at the moment.

Back to Paula:
What you said makes sense about going through uncertainty.  I think I've been told that before.  It's hard to hold on to those kind of things sometimes.
I have always wondered what being Transgender meant to me.  I never could pinpoint it.  Possibly because I'm always second guessing myself, always jumping from one possibility to another.  I know in the past I had thought it was who I was meant to be, but with my mind going a thousand miles a minute, I can't seem to hold on to that feeling.

Kaylee

[Coolsummer121]

Awh Kaylee! I'm so sorry to hear the depth of your struggles. I can totally understand why you would feel this way, and I think a big part of it stems from the fact that on the inside, you're still you. For me, it seemed like once I accepted it, I would somehow look different or feel different. And other than really embracing my feminine self (clothing style, word choice, general body language and things like that) I really have not changed much. So I would suggest playing around with yourself, see what feels comfortable and who you are happy being to what extent have you explored yourself in a feminine way? Like have you ever shaved your legs or put eyeliner on or anything? Tried moving like a woman? Or talking like one? I'm really curious.

The other thing I can say in response, having just returned home from my first, is to GO TO THERAPY IF YOU HAVENT! Find a gender specialist in your area and go see him or her right away. So many of my doubts have been dispelled just by that one hour. You really wouldn't believe the change that's made in my life.

I think that you're probably dealing with a lot of issues with fitting in, and kind of losing yourself in the process, no? I can't say that I fully understand the impact that your other mental struggles (asbergers and OCD) have on your psyche and the way you deal with these issues, but I can say that I think you're on the right path. As the saying seems to go "who the hell would want to be trans?!"

Just some food for thought

[Coolsummer121]

Also I wanted to tell you that I am not really all that certain in reality. Maybe in a perfect fantasy world, but with the way things are with the world and my family it honestly terrifies me to even consider transition. But if there's one thing I've learned, it's to always follow your heart. So that's what I'm going to do, and you should too

[OlderTG]

My second session of gender therapy had the therapist warning me about TG as 'fantasy'. I've given that some thought and see a huge difference between pure fantasy and wanting to live as I know inside I need to be. She's absolutely right about having to be careful that I don't create an 'image' in my mind and then end up disappointed with what reality deals me. It isn't that I want to become a woman. I am a woman and want to live my reality! For me fantasy is about turning out as a beauty, self-assured and confident 25 y.o. with a great figure and beautiful hair. That's a fantasy. My reality is that I'm an older woman who is not going to have a great figure and certainly not beautiful hair. I can deal with that. I can't deal with NOT being who I really am.

So I guess I'm saying at these beginning stages, we should try to sort out fantasy from reality...for instance, pregnancy and periods aren't in your future unless medical science works fast! And we do need to sort through our feelings. Are we actually transgender? If we aren't, then what do we do with all our feelings? It seems to me that if we can keep fantasy out of the discussion, if we feel we're transgender, then we are. From there we then need to decide what we want to do with that. Each of us is going to come to different conclusions, but we each need to do what we need to do. Trying to wish it away or to try to submerge those feelings to please others... THAT'S fantasy!!

I'm going to leave this here, but as I finish my rant I realize this has been for me; not either of you! Kaylee, I do, however, think your feelings are at least somewhat similar to what I've been feeling. I am now realizing I have been trying to deal with being transgender in a way that will please others. If I do have to pick one or the other, I don't feel I have any choice between family and being myself. Now that I've come to an understanding of who I am, I can't put that back in a box and I can't live being someone I'm not.
I won't say it correctly and I wish I could remember who here has the quote in their signature, but basically it says "'selfish' isn't wanting to be who you really are. 'Selfish' is someone expecting you to be someone they want you to be." (apologies for butchering the quote...)

[Kaylee H.]

I honestly don't know why I feel the way I feel.  I know that I felt a conviction about who I was many moons ago, but when the doubts came back like a flick of a switch, I felt like I was losing everything.  I've tried hanging on to that conviction, but it's wearing me down, not finding any ground.

As for what I've done...I keep my legs and arms shaved, because if I don't I worry about whether or not I can even live with seeing hair there or not.  So I shave, so I don't worry.  Occasionally, I have used mascara and lipstick, however, I rarely do use it anymore because I'm so worn out and my motivation seems to be waning.  As for walking and talking like a woman, the same thing is going on with me being worn out, etc.  I keep trying walking and talking because if I don't, it's like I've given up.  On the opposite side of the coin though, these days at least, I can't recall before the doubts, whenever I try walking and talking it's almost like it doesn't feel natural...and I feel like if I was truly transgender that feeling wouldn't be there.  So, it just adds to my doubts.

I have gone to therapy, and it helps to be able to talk to someone about it, whether or not a resolution has come from it yet

Paula:
I can't seem to tell what is fantasy or not at this point.  I do know that the same thought went through my head as you pointed out.  If I'm not transgender, what do I do with these feelings when they are around?  My point where everything turned to doubt happened so long ago, I don't recall if I was trying to deal in a way pleasing to others or not.

I like that quote about being selfish...now I just need to be convince of who I really am.  I've been told it takes time though.  I guess I need patience then.