Am I doing anything wrong?

[kaylagirl0806]

     I have been questioning myself since I was 12 but I came out to myself in a big way last month. I'm 18 now and a senior in high school and really want to transition as there is no way I can live my life as a man and I know it's foolish of me to try to act like one. I do not care anymore what any of my classmates might think of me. As such I have been adopting more of the feminine mannerisms on a day-to-day basis and it feels wonderful . Unfortunately my parents are not accepting so I can't be very open here at home without getting in trouble.
    My problem is that for the past couple of nights I've been having terribly vivid nightmares that I'm going to hell for what I'm doing. I'm scared now and don't know if what I'm doing is wrong or not. Please help me!!!!
Love,
Kayla

[Foxglove]

Kayla, I grew up in a very conservative, religious home.  Around the age of 15, I suddenly lost the faith.  It wasn't any logical conclusion I came to.  I didn't sit down and think things out.  The faith simply slipped away.  All the beliefs I'd been raised on stopped meaning anything to me.

It took me a lot years to come to terms with that.  As I've often put it, I was scared to death of hell for many years after I stopped believing in it.  The beliefs that are drilled into you as a child get very deep in you, and it's hard to get rid of them.

As Nietzsche said, "If you don't want your chain to let you go, bite it!"  I.e., if you insist on holding onto things that you know you should let go of, fight them.  There's no need to fight this fear of hell.  Just let it go.  Bit by bit it will go away of its own accord.

The god that some of us are given is so illogical, so awful that he's impossible to believe in.  He loves us, yet he creates an eternal hell to punish us for some pretty petty misdemeanors.  How could a god like that exist?

And being transgender isn't even a misdemeanour.  We don't make ourselves trans.  We don't choose to be trans.  Give us a choice and none of us would be trans.  And given that god is (supposedly) omniscient, he will know this.  So if he's a god of love, how could he punish us for that?

You're not doing anything wrong.  You are what you are and what you are isn't bad.  If god wants to punish you for that, he isn't a god of love and there's nobody on this planet who isn't in big trouble.

One of god's laws in the Bible: if a woman gets raped but doesn't scream while it's going on, she's to be stoned to death along with the rapist.  Another law: if a guy rapes a virgin, he can avoid punishment by paying her father compensation and marrying her. 

Who would rationally fear a god like that?  He's so ridiculous we should all just laugh and agree that he couldn't possibly exist.

Kayla, I don't know if you believe in god or if you even want to believe in god.  If you do, it is possible to believe in a god who does actually love you, value you and accept you as you are.  And this is what he will do if he is truly a god of love.

Don't fret, girl.  Sounds to me like you've been told a lot of lies.  Don't do what I did and spend years agonizing them over them.  Just let them go, and live your life.

[kaylagirl0806]

The thing is I've been raised as a christian and I do believe in Jesus. This is why it's so frightening to me. I want to go to heaven, but I want to be a girl when I do.

[stephaniec]

all you need to know is Jesus = love

[Dee Marshall]

Do you believe you are as your god made you? If so, how can that same god damn you for his own work? I've heard fundamentalists claim that being gay or trans is a burden to be overcome by humility, will, and prayer. This strikes me as unlikely. I'm also aware of nowhere in the new testament that even mentions us. The one possibility in the old testament seems vague and people seem to pick and choose from there anyway. Do what you need to to convince yourself. Ultimately anything we say won't change your mind. If you still believe perhaps you should take it to prayer.

All that said, I'm looking in from the outside. I'm a Deist, not a Christian.

[Sosophia]

you are a girl in your soul = you go to heaven as a girl ( thats how i see it at least , but im not christian ^^)

[Juliett]

If there were a God, it would love you for being a good person. All the other stuff is just the social control of organized religion.

Be yourself, do what makes you happy and your God will love you.

[Monica Jean]

Kayla,

I'm in my mid-40s, it took me 4 decades to piece things together to understand things from HIS perspective, not my shame/guilt-laden view point.

I look at ->-bleeped-<- and Christianity like this...
(since this is a faith-based post, a faith-based answer is in order)
1) God doesn't make mistakes.  We've all heard this one.  And people who speak this are 100% correct.  However, what they don't take into consideration is that nature as we know it is not mistake-proof.  Our spirit was destined to be with Him in enternity and is indeed mistake-proof, but not our flesh, it's sinful.  Since it's fallen and not our souls as we put our faith in Jesus as our hope, we are free to live life as best we can, not to continue to sin of course, but to live life freely in Him, being the best we can be, even if we are transgender.

2) Where is the immorality?  People claim that transgendered are immoral.  How?  I ask for proof!  Who is sleeping with whom?  Who is acting out in a depraved way?  It took me decades to realize the answer, not me!  I would suspect not you as well!

3) "We can pray it out of you!"  Really?  After 40+ years I couldn't pray it out of me.  Or many many many other Christian MtF and FtM people.  In fact, the opposite is true, why wouldn't God want those who are transgender bring the good News to those who are lost?  Since we are now part of this community, we can fluidly do this on a daily basis!  It's our 'thorn' that Paul talks about in the new testament.  I consider it an honor to be called to witness to other transgender people for Him.  That seems like foolishness to the world, but really, if we are fools for Him, what calling is greater than this?

Sadly, the traditional view is to push it all back into a box and act like it's never supposed to be.   Tragedy, because if others embrace it, or at least allow us to just 'be', we can be great influencers for Him.

[cassieohpia]

Hi Kayla,

I'm not a Christian but...
I think the Cristian's I meet who have it most right are the ones who pick the truth from the books.
If god made you, s/he made you the way you are. As Foxglove says, there is nowhere in the New Testament that would make me think Jesus would reject. It's contrary to the things he said.
The old book has many issues but, an accepting and wise Christian picks the truth, beneath the writing of 'men', from what they see.
I think you'll be just fine!
:-)

[Monica Jean]

by the way, LOVE your hair!

[kaylagirl0806]

Thanks Michelle for the compliment! However, that's not me unfortunately , just an image of what I want to become.