Lying to partner? Saying scars from a cyst etc

[nicolegn7]

What are your ladies take on not telling your husband you were born transgender? I rather say I was born with testicles instead of ovaries or something to that nature. I feel it's less of a shock than saying you used to live your life as a boy. I plan on telling my future husband that although I had some issues, I always lived my life female since birth. Something similar to a hermaphrodite although I wouldn't say I was one because I've seen some photos and it looks even worse than being a post op transwoman haha.

[suzifrommd]

For me, I don't know how I could possible make someone my soulmate who doesn't know such a formative detail about my past. I'd also be terrified that some family member would let something slip.

How could another human being understand why having breasts and a VJ is so amazing without knowing that I transitioned? I wouldn't want to hide feelings from my soulmate. That's what a soulmate is for - to share the joys and trials, right?

[nicolegn7]

True but I don't want my spouse to sometimes wonder and picture me as a boy....

[Ms Grace]

I can't imagine how keeping that kind if info from a future partner as ever going to end well when (not if) they find out the truth of the matter...

[Jill F]

I would want my partner to love me for exactly who I am.   Basing the most important relationship of one's life upon false pretenses will only make things stressful forever.  I could not imagine never truly being able to Jillax around my partner.

Seriously, there are guys out there that don't mind who aren't actually ->-bleeped-<-s.

[nicolegn7]

I look at it this way. Girls who had abortions, been raped, have slept with countless men, were prostitutes etc dont share ALL their past with their partner. Same with men. I doubt a man will tell you how many girls he has been with, or cheated on.

[nicolegn7]

Yea but lets be honest, majority of men don't look past that and give you a chance. They automatically label you a ->-bleeped-<-. I feel like it would just be easier to say something else. I want my man to love me as a woman, not anything else.

[Jill F]

I have been married for over 20 years.  One of the reasons is that we don't keep secrets.  We are entitled to our sordid pasts, and what happened before, happened before.  Our pasts, the good, the bad and the ugly are what made us who we are today. 

The thing is that eventually when a thing like "I have a Y chromosome, and that's why I can't have your child." comes out (and it will), it won't end well.  Women get beaten, maimed or killed for this all the time.  If you're lucky, it just gets used against you when your marriage gets annulled.

Being trans is nothing to be ashamed of.  Be proud of what you've accomplished and overcome.  Having a partner to share that with is truly priceless.   Who wants to spend their life hiding from someone who could turn out to be a transphobic bigot anyway?

[nicolegn7]

I'm not saying I am ashamed but I want someone to get to know me for my personality. We all know that 95% of men hear "I was born a boy" or "transgender" and its an automatic roadblock. Eventually down the line if someone loves you they will stay

[stephaniec]

I'm not saying I am ashamed but I want someone to get to know me for my personality. We all know that 95% of men hear "I was born a boy" or "transgender" and its an automatic roadblock. Eventually down the line if someone loves you they will stay

it comes down to the fact that its your life and really you can do what you want , just be able to accept any internal mental or external physical consequences of  the path you take. Personally my personality  is based on being what I am, just your average sort of transgender.

[JaymeDelray]

I can only say if it were me I would not tell him. Nature cheated us from the start, don't cheat yourself out of being happy if you can.

[SorchaC]

Yea but lets be honest, majority of men don't look past that and give you a chance. They automatically label you a ->-bleeped-<-.

Simple question is Would you want a man like that? I can understand your desire to forget what's past and be treated with respect for being the woman you are but if or when the secret emerges then how hurt will your husband be?

You want a good loving man yet you plan to hide something like this? The question of when to tell a future partner isn't easily answered but if it gets as far as a long term relationship then I think honesty is the best policy. We all have the right to be treated with respect and to expect our life partner will above all be completely honest and faithful, Anything else just is unacceptable. A good man will maybe not understand at first but that is a way to learn just how good they really are, You have little chance of keeping him if you lie and it comes out later.

I hope when the time comes you find the man you seek and he understands.

Good Luck

Sorcha 

[Lady_Oracle]

I'm not saying I am ashamed but I want someone to get to know me for my personality. We all know that 95% of men hear "I was born a boy" or "transgender" and its an automatic roadblock. Eventually down the line if someone loves you they will stay

I totally get where you're coming from, since I have "passing privilege" Really don't like saying that but dunno how else to put it. I don't disclose right away since I'm just getting to know them. If things progress to the point that it might become more serious then that's when I tell them. I really don't see the point in disclosing to a stranger I barely even know. The only way for me to be "out" is to have a sign around my neck 24/7 saying I'm trans otherwise people wouldn't know lol. Like I have friends that don't know I'm trans cause I haven't the had opportunity to tell them. That's not a topic that I can sum up in a few sentences. I believe there's a time and place for everything. So to sum this up, I'm not ashamed to be trans but I'm one of the few lucky ones that doesn't have to deal with being clocked since I have no physical male cues that give it away, so I disclose when I feel ready to do so.

[mrs izzy]

I am not a big fan of lying, but alot can be explained as fixing a IS condition or hysto with other complications.

But a lie will always follow your conscious.

Be honest.

[generalchaos34]

I am not a big fan of lying, but alot can be explained as fixing a IS condition or hysto with other complications.

But a lie will always follow your conscious.

Be honest.

I agree with this 100% you may not have to tell them right away when dating, but when you get down to a sexual act you need to be honest, not just for your safety, but for the safety of your relationship. Many marriages break up when it comes to a lack of transparency. A girl may not tell a man the details that she was a prostitute, but if she never told him that is a MAJOR problem. Not only does it mean that the girl may have a shady past with possible dangerous people involved, it also means she could harbor a variety of mental ailments or even things like syphillis. There are a lot of guys who won't want to marry a girl who used to be a prostitute, there are a lot of guys who dont want to marry a girl who used to do drugs, and there are guys who don't want to marry a girl because she used to be a boy. Thats why honesty is the best policy in my opinion.

Someone should love you for all of your faults as much as they do for your strengths.

[Bobbiw]

I'm not transgender, but am a long time cross dresser.  My story is a long and complicated one or maybe not so complicated.  I have adult children and a long term SO none of who know, in other words I have spent many decades in the closet.

You need to follow your conscience on the decision to tell your husband now. If you love your husband and want to build a life together then follow your heart, but be ready for the consequence of your decision.

I believe that my family loves me for who I am, even if they don't know every facet of my internal being.  Your past male life is a part of the you that your husband loves because it made you into the person that he loves today whether he knows it or not.

For me the bigger question is did you talk about children before you got married and if so did you tell him then that you could not conceive.  As for the rest of us, we should only be nonjudgmental sounding boards for you since this is a deeply personal issue between a husband and a wife.

[ImagineKate]

I look at it this way. Girls who had abortions, been raped, have slept with countless men, were prostitutes etc dont share ALL their past with their partner. Same with men. I doubt a man will tell you how many girls he has been with, or cheated on.

My wife told me about all of her past partners. Including the one she had two kids with. Early on when we were dating, not after we got married. The trust from early disclosure is priceless. We grew stronger because of it.

There are men who also knew their partners were prostitutes and to them it doesn't matter.

Men? I told my wife about my ex's. We even met up a couple of them and had dinner. It was a grand old time. I even met my old in laws the other day. It was fine. This is possible due to trust.

I don't see this fascination with hiding your past which will come back to haunt you in the future anyway. Yes you were born with the wrong body. You fixed it. Good. Your soul mate should know this. Stealth to the world is one thing. I don't think there should ever be stealth to your husband.

[Ms Grace]

Yea but lets be honest, majority of men don't look past that and give you a chance. They automatically label you a ->-bleeped-<-. I feel like it would just be easier to say something else. I want my man to love me as a woman, not anything else.

I understand where you are coming from, honestly I do. I tried a similar approach with a female partner, deciding I'd let her get to know me first before I told her I had a trans history (this was about 7 years after I detransitioned from my first attempt). We we're a pretty good couple, or so I thought - as soon as I told her though things changed and not in a good way. The number one thing she said was "it's like I don't even know you". And of course she didn't because I had white lied and tippy toed around the truth for the six months we had been together - no amount of her "knowing me" made a difference. The relationship lasted a few more months and that was that, largely because she couldn't get over it. What you really need to know about anyone you're going to hook up with is if they're going to be fine with you regardless, otherwise when they find out (and they will, one way or another) it may end very badly.

[JessicaH]

There is a good chance the guy will feel like you were dishonest with him if you wait very long. Then he will start questioning himself, wonder what else you may have hid, etc.  I cherish the fact that my S.O. knows everything about me and still loves me more than anything. I'm sick of secrets in my life and I will never again have someone close to me in my life that I have to keep secrets from. It makes for a very stressful life.

[nicolegn7]

I agree with you for the most part, but when you are post op, it's a TOTALLY DIFFERENT STORY.

I am assuming you are pre-op/ non-op, since you've just started HRT. in which case you have no option but to tell guys ;otherwise, they will see it in bed. When you are post-op, you have that choice not to tell them (if you are 100% passable and have a 100% fawless feminine body with curves, etc).

Plus, guys who go for pre-ops are totally different to guys who are into gg women. For the most part, the first tend to be ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-s who tend to be gay/ bisexual guys who adore penis. Sorry to be so bunt; I was pre-op for years, and I experienced this first hand. Guys who like post-op's are rare. If you are lucky t be accepted by an pen minded straight guy for being post-op then that's the best option in my view.

By the simple fact, nicolegn7 wants tnicolegn7 have srs, means she wants guys to perceive her as a total regular woman. Having said that, I do not advocate being with a guy for a long time and not telling them. It is very hard to come out after undergoing such a life changing surgery but it's better than creating a time bomb.

hugs,

Samantha x

I totaly agree with you about men who love t girls love the penis...its the truth. I dont mind telling a guy but not until he gets to know me for me first. I want to be with a man who is into cis women with vaginas....I know I wont be 100% woman ever but ill be as close as I can to it with my srs.