Lying to partner? Saying scars from a cyst etc

[SorchaC]

I totaly agree with you about men who love t girls love the penis...its the truth. I dont mind telling a guy but not until he gets to know me for me first. I want to be with a man who is into cis women with vaginas....I know I wont be 100% woman ever but ill be as close as I can to it with my srs.

Having never wanted a man I can only go on opinion and experience of trying to convince cis women that I'm a woman. Anyone who's tried to convince a lesbian to ignore what genitals they have and love them for who they really are will know your pain. I think you're likely right that mostly men who are sexually into T girls are into the male genitals. There are however some people who love you for who you really are, I think it's all down to how important sex is to them.

Once you're post op I know it will be allot easier to find a straight man and your past will be allot less important. I cannot wait to not have a giveaway lurking in my knickers even though my partner knows about me. I hope you find a nice man and that you know instinctively when the right time to share is

Good Luck

Sorcha 

[Alice Rogers]

Touchy subject, the question you have to ask yourself is how hurt would your partner be if he found out by accident? You would have to leave family and friends behind to avoid him finding out by accident.

Finding out that way would be 10 times worse than telling him up front.

It's about trust and respect.

Alice
xx

[Susan]

If you are both in love it shouldn't matter. But being truthful with each other always matters. If you don't tell them and they find out later on their own, you are done.



Trans reference around 1:50.

[JessicaH]

I agree with you for the most part, but when you are post op, it's a TOTALLY DIFFERENT STORY.

I am assuming you are pre-op/ non-op, since you've just started HRT. in which case you have no option but to tell guys ;otherwise, they will see it in bed. When you are post-op, you have that choice not to tell them (if you are 100% passable and have a 100% fawless feminine body with curves, etc).

Plus, guys who go for pre-ops are totally different to guys who are into gg women. For the most part, the first tend to be ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<-s who tend to be gay/ bisexual guys who adore penis. Sorry to be so blunt; I was pre-op for years, and I experienced this first hand. Guys who like post-op's are rare. If you are lucky t be accepted by an pen minded straight guy for being post-op then that's the best option in my view.

By the simple fact, nicolegn7 wants to have srs, means she wants guys to perceive her as a total regular woman. Having said that, I do not advocate being with a guy for a long time and not telling them. It is very hard to come out after undergoing such a life changing surgery but it's better than creating a time bomb.

hugs,

Samantha x

I totally understand where you are coming from. I don't see it as a RIGHT/WRONG issue, just adding a point of view since that's what the OP asked for. There are pros and cons either way just keep in mind that a lot of society justifies violence against trans women for things like this which is of course WRONG. Be careful sweetie and I wish you happiness in whatever you decide is best for you.

[peky]

In love the three most important things are: honesty, honesty, and honesty....

If he leaves you just because you are transgender, then well, who wants such a superficial guy any way....

there are plenty of good guys out there...

[Jill F]

In love the three most important things are: honesty, honesty, and honesty....

If he leaves you just because you are transgender, then well, who wants such a superficial guy any way....

there are plenty of good guys out there...

Yes!  And there ARE plenty of good guys out there. 

[pretty pauline]

If you are both in love it shouldn't matter. But being truthful with each other always matters. If you don't tell them and they find out later on their own, you are done.

That is very true Susan, but not early in a relationship, seeing how a relationship develops, then if it leads to long term relationship and commitment, well disclosue has to be faced.
When is the right time to tell, only ourselves know that, I was wrestling with this decision for months, ''when do I tell him'' if at all, why fix something that's not broken, he only ever knew me as a woman, then a marriage proposal, we where getting engaged, it was time to disclose. It was a big gamble.

He didn't freak out, but was shocked and surprise, I was lucky it worked out and we eventually got married.

Now he knows my history, but he doesn't want to disclose to anybody, which is understandable, his family has no idea, I don't think he could handle the pressure or the ridicule he would receive from people, that his wife was born a man.

He just wants to move on with life, and so do I, as a normal husband and housewife. I'm now just a woman with a distance history, I'm glad he knows, I never have to worry about it again.

[butterflies]

I've gone to great lengths to erase my past entirely from existence. I will continue until I have the face of another person (still me) and will be entirely unrecognizable. I will not live another day of my life as a ->-bleeped-<-, except the days I still have to (living with people who know that about me, eg quite a few of my current neighborsbecause tthey like to gossip)

Being a ->-bleeped-<- (I use that word to describe my feeling about it) wasn't fun, now it feels like a gray nightmare where nothing is immediately threatening you but everything is bleak and it just drags on and on. And it's still going on until I'm done. But the biggest parts are now over. More so for the years I lived as a boy except I don't really remember them. I'm very good at forgetting things. Luckily... if I did tell me next partner, he'd have more made up memories in his head about me as a boy than I would have actual memories. especially since I've been on and off living as a girl or at least an extremely feminine boy since age.7. It just took me too long to start living it 24/7 do how does it make sense to tell your partner something they'll never understand and then spend your entire life wondering how often a picture of you with balls pop into their head and looking for signs if he's looking at your chin or upper lip often enough that you know he's looking for proof.. that's no way to live.

My ex of several years knew and he always told me he never saw me as anything but a female, that it was clear I was a girl. It was still an issue fitfor me at times but it's not like it could have not been an issue since we had sex and I was pre op.

Now I do have that option and if I don't take it then why did I get the operation?

I was never a ->-bleeped-<- in my mind and I refuse to be it in anyone else's. I've spent years spreading wrong information about myself and most people from my past (the last 7 years at least) think I'm a biological girl. And on top of that I'm removing any connection to my old life. I don't have much family left and the little I'd ever see them, living in different continents and all, would pose no danger. They'd never let anything slip anyway.

I'll lie because the truth is not actually true at all, and the lie is a lot closer to who I really am.

I don't have a victim complex. I suffered horribly. Excruciatingly. It's almost over. I'll never bring it up. He (once I'm not single) will hold me and comfort me because he loves me and sees I'm sad. I don't think I'll ever be sad because of these things anyway. I don't live in the past, I'm who I am in this moment and not someone else. I have seen pictures of myself and nitnot recognized myself. Others have seen pictures of me and not recognized me. I've sat face to face with ppl from earlier in my life who didn't recognize me. AndiI never gave the slightest hint I knew them. And they never figured it out. To claim that I'm somehow the person I used to be is ridiculous, considering for the most part I don't even remember who I used to be I mean I don't even remember how I used to look a few years ago...as a girl.

[Susan]

That is very true Susan, but not early in a relationship, seeing how a relationship develops, then if it leads to long term relationship and commitment, well disclosue has to be faced.
When is the right time to tell, only ourselves know that, I was wrestling with this decision for months, ''when do I tell him'' if at all, why fix something that's not broken, he only ever knew me as a woman, then a marriage proposal, we where getting engaged, it was time to disclose. It was a big gamble.

Yes, you are a woman (or a man); but this was a pretty big birth defect you had corrected.

The time to disclose is before you both are sexually intimate for the first time, and I don't mean as he (or she) is getting undressed to do the deed. When you make the decision to be intimate then you should seriously consider telling them.

Both parties have the right to know, and you as a couple should make the fully informed choice or decision to have a life together. You should know if they have been in prison; convicted or suspected of a serious crime; had or has a STD disease; genetic, mental, or medical problems; major surgeries; potentially embarrassing things that you may find out about later, etc.

Then when someone comes and tries to out you, and it will eventually happen intentionally or otherwise, you don't have to deal with the aftermath and the recriminations; "Why didn't you trust me!", "Don't you love me enough to tell me", "What else are you hiding from me", etc.  Once a relationship is broken in this manner it's almost impossible to ever recover.

What is not a secret can't be used to hurt you or them. "Did you know...."  They can respond immediately "Oh she (or he) told me about it years ago, it's not that big of a deal." It takes the barb off the spear.

Put the cards on the table. If they are the person for you then it won't matter.

[amZo]

What are your ladies take on not telling your husband you were born transgender? I rather say I was born with testicles instead of ovaries or something to that nature. I feel it's less of a shock than saying you used to live your life as a boy. I plan on telling my future husband that although I had some issues, I always lived my life female since birth. Something similar to a hermaphrodite although I wouldn't say I was one because I've seen some photos and it looks even worse than being a post op transwoman haha.

I have no words... sorry.

[butterflies]

Yes, you are a woman (or a man); but this was a pretty big birth defect you had corrected.

The time to disclose is before you both are sexually intimate for the first time, and I don't mean as he (or she) is getting undressed to do the deed. When you make the decision to be intimate then you should seriously consider telling them.

Both parties have the right to know, and you as a couple should make the fully informed choice or decision to have a life together. You should know if they have been in prison; convicted or suspected of a serious crime; had or has a STD disease; genetic, mental, or medical problems; major surgeries; potentially embarrassing things that you may find out about later, etc.

Then when someone comes and tries to out you, and it will eventually happen intentionally or otherwise, you don't have to deal with the aftermath and the recriminations; "Why didn't you trust me!", "Don't you love me enough to tell me", "What else are you hiding from me", etc.  Once a relationship is broken in this manner it's almost impossible to ever recover.

What is not a secret can't be used to hurt you or them. "Did you know...."  They can respond immediately "Oh she (or he) told me about it years ago, it's not that big of a deal." It takes the barb off the spear.

Put the cards on the table. If they are the person for you then it won't matter.

You mean to say there are people who don't have sex the first time they meet and still end up together? I've never had a relationship that didn't start with sex on day 1 and I've been in a relationship longer than I've been single and my longest relationship was 4 years. So I should tell ppl on day 1? Now that I'm finally fixed and there's nothing to tell.(once the scars fade r enough. And there's always the lies about hysterectomy or a bicycle/car accident/whatever to explain it away)

We create our own realities. A lie strong enough becomes the truth if you never ever own up to anything else. It's easy to make the puddle people telling the truth seem like liars. Petty liars. And your spouse has an incentive to believe you and not to believe them.

If I met the perfect person, disease free and not on anyone's watch list, would I want to know he stole a car or smoked a joint when he was 16? Or killed a person in self defence? (The latter would actually worry me the least) Would I want that to tarnish our relationship if he was a completely different person now? NO.
I don't need to accept, forgive or understand transgressions that weren't done to me personally. It doesn't matter.

[butterflies]

What are your ladies take on not telling your husband you were born transgender? I rather say I was born with testicles instead of ovaries or something to that nature. I feel it's less of a shock than saying you used to live your life as a boy. I plan on telling my future husband that although I had some issues, I always lived my life female since birth. Something similar to a hermaphrodite although I wouldn't say I was one because I've seen some photos and it looks even worse than being a post op transwoman haha.

I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm not yet sure what I'll say but you're right. There's no way I'll say I used to live as a boy. And what boy dresses up in his mother's skirts, tries in lipstick at age 7 and spends all his third grade in elementary school making friendship bracelets? Is that what people imagine when you tell them you used to live as a boy? No. Sothe truth would not actually be perceived as  truthfully at all. It would be perceived as something that was never true. So the truth would be just another lie...

[amZo]

You mean to say there are people who don't have sex the first time they meet and still end up together? I've never had a relationship that didn't start with sex on day 1 and I've been in a relationship longer than I've been single and my longest relationship was 4 years. So I should tell ppl on day 1? Now that I'm finally fixed and there's nothing to tell.(once the scars fade r enough. And there's always the lies about hysterectomy or a bicycle/car accident/whatever to explain it away)

We create our own realities. A lie strong enough becomes the truth if you never ever own up to anything else. It's easy to make the puddle people telling the truth seem like liars. Petty liars. And your spouse has an incentive to believe you and not to believe them.

If I met the perfect person, disease free and not on anyone's watch list, would I want to know he stole a car or smoked a joint when he was 16? Or killed a person in self defence? (The latter would actually worry me the least) Would I want that to tarnish our relationship if he was a completely different person now? NO.
I don't need to accept, forgive or understand transgressions that weren't done to me personally. It doesn't matter.

Regarding your bolded comment above.... yep (doesn't make it right though  ).

[butterflies]

Regarding your bolded comment above.... yep (doesn't make it right though  ).

I don't know how to give reputation points on this thing
The weird words that don't fit are thanks to my auto correct.

Sometimes, even if you're a good person, you have to consider what's "right for you".before considering "what's right". And if choosing"what's right for me" ultimately leads to far less suffering and bad things than doing "what's right" would have... then it kinda becomes"what's right" too. Unless you believe more actual, real life suffering is right as long as some abstract condition is met. But I don't believe that.

Life is far too short to waste and if there are already things about you thatmake finding a partner harder, then the chances of finding someone who can make you happy in all aspects AND can miraculously override the human psyche and never even for a second think of you as a guy become slim to none. (I could never be with someone sexually boring for example, and by that I mean he better not think of house work when he sees rope and leather gloves, and he better know lots of other places for belts than the waist at the very minimum)

I don't believe a person who can hear about someone having been a guy andforget about it exists. So that's not an option for me. Even if there was such a person he'd be incompatible with me, seeing as I want my partner to have a sadistic streak and a person like that certainly wouldn't.

[Dread_Faery]

While I can understand that you want to not disclose, any long term relationship is founded on trust, and trusting a partner enough to disclose is a powerful thing. Trust builds strong foundations, without those foundations any relationship will be doomed to fail.

Of course you don't have to disclose every time, one night stands or short term relationships being a good example.

I have seen lack of trust and not disclosing something (being poly in this case) end up with a friend being sectioned, because she wasn't able to be herself with her husband and it tipped her over the edge, so be very careful about keeping things back. Trust isn't just about your partner trusting you, but you trusting your partner and having it in a relationship makes storms far easier to weather.

[butterflies]

While I can understand that you want to not disclose, any long term relationship is founded on trust, and trusting a partner enough to disclose is a powerful thing. Trust builds strong foundations, without those foundations any relationship will be doomed to fail.

Of course you don't have to disclose every time, one night stands or short term relationships being a good example.

I have seen lack of trust and not disclosing something (being poly in this case) end up with a friend being sectioned, because she wasn't able to be herself with her husband and it tipped her over the edge, so be very careful about keeping things back. Trust isn't just about your partner trusting you, but you trusting your partner and having it in a relationship makes storms far easier to weather.

Icould never trust a partner I'd have to worry about seeing me as a ->-bleeped-<- not because of my looks, voice or anything but because of WORDS.

I trust the human psyche to be the human psyche and not some impossible fantasy psyche dreamt up in the minds of tumbler feminists and boyfriends who are so head over heelsin love that they deceive themselves to believe things that aren't true.
Can you find me a bf who will never ever see me as a ->-bleeped-<-, nitnot for one second, if I tell him I was one? No.
But I don't see myself as a ->-bleeped-<-. I'm a female even in my dreams. That's my reality. I want by partner to share my reality, not some reality I can't or even want to relate to.
doesn't that make sense?
I can trust my partner perfectly living like that..he can trust me perfectly too. He'll never find out differently.
I would never even want to tell a partner who I knew would have no problem with it. Tolerant people are the worst. "It's okay you were a ->-bleeped-<-" no it's not, it was horrible, get out!
there's always that slight shift in how people see you when you tell them.
What you call the truth is a lie for me and vice versa.
I'd rather date a homo/trans phobic than a trans lover..just because I had to go through this doesn't mean it's something to be proud of. I'm a survivor. I've survived lots of horrible things. This was just one of them.

[butterflies]

Ps my last relationship was with a man who liked girls, boys and trannies. We had some trust issues because I felt he didn't push me hard enough to make an effort, for example shave and do my makeup and look my best for him every morning. I did that as best I could but sometimes I had periods where I was more sad/depressed and having someone by my side who couldn't care less about my having facial hair or not... It was comforting but it also made it worse. I don't mean he should have pushed me away because of it or anything.. it's not just that. I had the money for my surgery a year earlier... But I stayed because of him... of course he wanted me to have the surgery but it wasn't an issue for him like it was for me and there were other pressing issues...
Idk. I never told the ppl in my life anyway. I worked as a female and no one knew. Even my bf's parents didn't know. I've had enough of ppl seeing me as a ->-bleeped-<-. I don't want any more of that c especially from the most important person in my life.

[peky]

We create our own realities. A lie strong enough becomes the truth if you never ever own up to anything else.

It is true we create our own realties, and it is also true that we can deceived others

but deep down in the innermost recess of your mind the truth will be haunting you... repeating to you the true that you so skillful hide for every one but you...

You run but you cannot hide....

[butterflies]

It is true we create our own realties, and it is also true that we can deceived others

but deep down in the innermost recess of your mind the truth will be haunting you... repeating to you the true that you so skillful hide for every one but you...

You run but you cannot hide....

Oh...you have no idea what my mind iscapable of forgetting and changing.
If it wasn't I'd be traumatized and dysfunctional in many ways. Instead I'm happy.....I smile every day. The first day after my surgery o didn't smile. Today I smiled.
Everything will be okay. It always is. It always will be. No worries! My past has stopped haunting me a long time ago, worse things than this. Nothing sticks to my mind, anything can be wiped out
I guess that makes me lucky.. But it's not like I was born with it.
I'm sure one day I'll have forgotten I ever had a pnis. Then if you came to me with proof (different face& name, country, continent and nationality, I don't see how but let's say you did) first of all,I wouldn't recognize myself and second of all I'd genuinely think you were lying.
You can't fight that. Just waiting for the day... I love my mind. If it's broken then it's broken in all the right ways

[Brenda E]

What are your ladies take on not telling your husband you were born transgender?

I think it's almost a universal "very bad idea".  Strong relationships are built on trust and honesty - end of story.

I could never live with someone who would hate me if they knew the truth about me.  What a miserable relationship that would be, regardless of how well I thought I could hide the truth from my partner or myself.

Some things just can't be forgotten or wished away.  Yes, it's frustrating that I was not born female, but there's nothing - and believe me, I've tried! - that will make me ever forget that fact.  How to deal with it?  Stop spending so much time trying to hide it, and spend more time trying to surround myself with people who accept me for who I am, not who I wish I was.