Came out at work today

[bv5913]

Well today i came out at work.
As a union representative at work, i first called a union meeting for all members.
They all thought it was about a change in working times at work, hmmmm no not quiet.
So they all sat there and looked at me wondering what i was going to say, and i looked at them wondering how they was going to react to what i had written down. What felt like an eternity, i could had sworn i saw tumble weed roll past the windows i just said it  "Today i am going to say something to you that i have lived with for 30 years, the pain inside me has been eating me and slowly killing me, and so it is with great nerves and relief that i am coming out as a woman.
I have lived with this for so long and if i was not to act now, then i fear i could no longer manage to live my life.
I understand that this will come as a surprise or even a shock, and that some of you maybe angry or disgusted, and so, if you wish i will step down as union representative and you can elect a new person right here rght now."
After a few seconds the women smiled, some men s->-bleeped-<-ed, 1 person cursed and walked out. And then they all started talking amongst themselves. I called for order, and offered them the vote to elect someone new.
But some had questions, and so i answered them as truthfully as i could. Some could not understand that i had always given them the impression or being a mans man. How i always looked and acted like a man should and then suddenly change to wanting to be a woman. I answered it was all an act, and act that society and family expectations expected of me, and for that i was sorry for decieving people.
And so the vote.
Out of the 33 people who voted, 7 said they wanted a new rep.
Ok, so 25 people felt that i was still good enough to continue, the other 7 i sort of suspected that would not approve.
And so what felt like a long walk up to the offices to inform my employers.
I had arranged a meeting with the board to take place after the meeting, and they sat there waiting. I calmly walked into the room, sat down and said exactly what had took place in the meeting. I have never seen so many open mouths before, and yet after it had sank in and they realised that i was not joking. The same question was asked, and again i explained it was an act, a very painful act.
I came home and then had to tell my wife. i made sure the kids was in their rooms playing and that we would be distubed. At first my wife thought i was going to tell her i was having an affair, and then i calmly but very nervously told her.Again her mouth hit the floor, and again the same question was asked. Did i really do a good job deceiving people that i was a man's man, should i take a carrer up in acting. 5 hours later and my wife has put the kids to bed, she has not said anything to me since i have told her, she normally comes down and sits in the living room with me. This is understandable. I dare not go up and ask her if she is ok, as selfish as this may seem. Knowing how she reacts, it is proberbly best that i say nothing just now, just wait for her to come and ask me more questions, and answer them as truthfully as i can.
I feel bad and guilty, and i never meant to hurt her, but i hope she will understand eventually and forgive me. I also hope she rings her older brother, as he had a similar problem to me when he had to anounce to his deeply religious family he was gay and in a relationship.
All i know is, right now, those collegues who are friends on my facebook, have not removd me yet. Either they have forgotten or are not bothered. It will be nerveracking tomorrow when i return to work and all eyes will be on me as i walk thought the factory to my work place.
It feels a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and yet somehow, i would prefer my wife to be angry and shout at me. The silence is what i am worried about.
Only time will tell, i just hope my kids will accept me. I did say to my wife that i will try and keep as stable environment as much as i can at home, so not to affect the children too much. But i did say that eventually they  will she the pappa changing and they will ask questions, and alot of them, but she did not have an answer to that.
No mention of either one of us moving out yet. But, i will do what it takes to maintain my children happiness, but i will not stop my transition.

[ImagineKate]

Congrats on coming out at work and to your wife.

I haven't told my job yet and that won't be for a while anyway. I just hope they don't drag me in front of TV cameras or something.

Your wife - yes it takes a lot out of you. I came out to mine last week and it was full of shock, anger and a lot of surprising thinking and calm. Accusations of betrayal were rampant. It's all in my other thread. But I had to do it otherwise I would probably not even be alive today.

I go to therapy tomorrow and I am hoping I can get my feelings out and over subsequent sessions a roadmap to proceed with whatever I need to do.

Like you, my kids are my main concern. I love them with everything I have, and I would literally die for them. I am just hoping I don't have to.

[Jessica Merriman]

Congrats on this very huge step. It will be the hardest thing you will ever do (transition), but the payoff is immense and you must be feeling relieved that this huge part of you no longer has to hide. Please keep us posted on good AND bad days about your progress. There are many difficult decisions you will have to make in the near future. The people here will be ready to help at anytime so use them. 

[bv5913]

Thank you so much for the sweet comments.
All was ok at work today, when i came home the kids was happy to see me, but my wife has not said 1 word to me. Not even when i said hello.
Dinner was uncomfortable,  lost my appetite quickly and left the kitchen. The kids went up to bed and she took them and has not come back down. With her i know silence is not a good thing and soon comes the nasty comments and brain washing the kids against me. If only people really knew the real person i am married to, and how Jekyle and Hyde she is. Part of me is looking forward to her shouting at me, because then i know where i stand with her. When she gets violent i just leave, i have called the police on several occasions but she plays the innocent sweet butter wont melt in her mouth and she gets away with it. I have tried setting up cameras to prove it, but she always finds them and turns them off.
I know i should consider moving out, but everything i have is tied up in the house and the care and well being of my children are important. I have a meeting with my counsillor tomorrow and i am wondering if it would be a good idea to ask her to come so she can accept it better.

[Brenda E]

Wow.  That's a lot to bite off in one mouthful, but at least it's done now.  The stress and secrecy involved with hiding something like this is now off your shoulders - quite a relief, no?

I do have one question: why tell work before telling your spouse?  Not a criticism at all, just seems like an unusual order in which to break the news to people.  Is part of her cold reaction perhaps in part due to the fact she was not the first person you confided in, or that she wasn't included in the planning stages of coming out?  I know my own wife would have been more pissed at the fact that I didn't tell her first than the fact that I was coming out as transgender.

You've taken some huge steps in a bold, conclusive manner.  Well done!

[JLT1]

That is a hard couple of days.  Your days will, eventually, get better.  I've been there. I see people talking about "in the end" everything gets great.  I can't talk about that as I'm still in the middle yet really, they are better even now. 

A word of caution, for me, there were some real high moments, best in my life but there were also some real low moments making for an interesting journey.  Be careful and hang in there.

I understand the Jekyll-Hyde wife thing as well.  I also understand the turning of the kids, and the in-laws and then, in my case, even one's own family.  Yet, six months later, everyone is back with me, even the wife (I still don't know if that part is good or bad.)

You're off to a good start.  Keep going.  Come here any time you need. 

Hugs,

Jen

[bv5913]

You know what they say, save the best to last.
No seriously, my wife does not know she was after my job. Purely because i did not want her to find out first and then go crazy and cause problems for me at work. In this situation i thought it was best that i inform my collegues and employers first and then the wife. Too much crazy actions from her in the past that led me to beleive that she will do or say something to affect my job. And she still can, only time will tell.
It is easy for me to say, but i have always thought there was something strange about her, and there is mental health problems in her family. This is just a guess and something i have mentioned to her in the past, but i can not force her to go and seek help or take medicine.
All i hope for at the end of the day is a clean divorce and no bitterness and good access to my children, but i know deep down that is not going to happen, as she has always said in the past, who are they gonna beleive ? me, or a woman. Not quite sure who they will beleive now actually

[katiej]

All i hope for at the end of the day is a clean divorce and no bitterness and good access to my children, but i know deep down that is not going to happen

Do you want a divorce?  Or are you assuming it's an inevitability?

I recently found a study that showed that roughly 40% of long-term relationships for MTF's do survive transition.  It's a bit lower in your age bracket, but certainly better than the standard thinking that coming out is a death sentence for marriages.  It definitely isn't.

If you don't want a divorce, then you have some work to do.  It's not entirely up to you at this point, but you stand a much better chance if you start involving her now.  I recommend breaking the silence, and not waiting for her to approach you.  Ultimately, the decision to transition is yours, but your relationship stands a better chance of surviving if you treat her like a partner in the decision-making process.  If you throw down ultimatums, she's more likely to resist it and work against you.  But if you're patient and allow her some time to get on board, it's more likely that she will.

Just remember that it took you a very long time to accept yourself.  So you can't expect her to accept it without going through a similar process.  Co-workers? Yes.  But their lives aren't intrinsically linked to your, and their lives aren't completely changed by your decision.  So be patient, and accommodating (to a point), and be nice.  Give her a reason to stay in the relationship.

[bv5913]

I have prepared myself for a divorce, and for now i do not want to push the situation with her. At the end of the day  it will be her decision if she wants to stay.
Today she has not said anything, i would like to include her in this journey, but i do not want to force her. I am open for dialogue, and i am willing to stay so that we can stay as a family for the sake of the children, plus when we do nt have any immediate family living near us for help or support, we need to stay together to support each other in bringing up our children, and finacially it would be better for us both.
But, i will not beg her to stay, as then she will want to control  how i wish to live my life. As heartless as this may sound, i have tried to leave on many occasions so that i could   
llive the life i want, but she has always used the children as a leverage, and to get her own way.
So for now, it is best i stay quiet, and look after my children and not force the situation any more on her until she is ready to talk about it.

[katiej]

i do not want to push the situation with her. At the end of the day  it will be her decision if she wants to stay.

That's true.  But are you really giving her a reason to stay?  You dropped a bomb on her, and now you're ignoring her. 

When I came out to my wife, I emphasized that being married to her and raising our kids were my highest priorities.  She needed reassurance that I still loved her, and that I wasn't going to run off leaving her with 4 kids and no way to raise them.  She needed to know that my gender exploration would not be at their expense.  Once we worked through her fear issues, and she could see that I understood how she felt, her attitude changed completely...albeit slowly.

i would like to include her in this journey, but i do not want to force her. I am open for dialogue, and i am willing to stay so that we can stay as a family for the sake of the children, plus when we do nt have any immediate family living near us for help or support, we need to stay together to support each other in bringing up our children, and finacially it would be better for us both.

Obviously, I don't know you or your wife.  But IMO your unilateral decision-making and refusal to even talk with her for several days would suggest that there is no thought of partnership or working together on this.  You've made a decision, and if she's willing to get on board then you're ok with it.  But it doesn't sound like you really want her involved.  You may not have presented her with an ultimatum, but it seems to me like you really have established one in a passive aggressive way.

You seem to want to stay married for purely economic reasons or for the kids.  There's been no mention of wanting to be with her.

[bv5913]

I understand what you mean, but we have been together for 12 years. During that time she has made it clear when she is angry with me, not to presurre her to talk, she always does it in her own time. Do not get me wrong that i have ignored her, i have said hello when i have walked though the dorr, and good morning and made her coffee. I cooked meals and have always laid a place for her and asked her if she is hungry and wants to come and eat with us. But she usually waits until we are finished and then serves herself.
When she puts the kids to bed she stays in their room now, and surfs the internet and then falls asleep with the kids, and so i do not want to go in there and try to talk to her incase she shouts and wakes the kids.
I am just going on past experience to just stay calm and be nice and eventually she opens up. Of course this is a mega bombshell for her to take in, so i am expecting it to last a while. But right now i am writting a letter for her and will leave it for her next to the coffee machine tomorrow morning and in it, it explains everything i did not have the chance to say to her the other day, and what i would like for us to happen. I hope she understands the times when we have argued over silly things was mainly due to me fighting  the conflict in me. And now i have found peice and hope she will join me. But a comment she once made a while ago leads me to think she will not want to continue the marriage, then at least i hope we can remain friends and she will be there for support when i need it. And of course when she needs support i will be there as well for her.
But she has always been an angry person and has always tried to push me down when i need to be up. To be honest, i am actually scared of her.

[Brenda E]

But right now i am writting a letter for her and will leave it for her next to the coffee machine tomorrow morning and in it, it explains everything i did not have the chance to say to her the other day, and what i would like for us to happen.

This is a good idea.  All too often, conversations get emotional, sidetracked, and key points are missed.  She can digest the letter in her own time, and it'll contain the information you want her to understand.

I truly hope she'll stay and this will be a new chapter in your relationship.  Marriage is worth saving if possible, but I know that sometimes it's impossible, in which case remaining good friends and co-parents of the children is a positive outcome.  It'll take time to adjust to the new normal, whatever that normal ends up being, but as long as you're not the one slamming doors (literal and metaphorical) in her face, you can hold your head up high and be proud that you've done everything you could to save the marriage given the unusual circumstances.

[bv5913]

Been home from work now for 1 hour, and she has read the letter, and she has spoken to me, but not about what i wrote,.
She spoke more about other general day to day things, which is a good start. The kids was there at the time and so i did not want to press her into discussing the issues. maybe she feels if she says nothing the issues will just go away, so for now i will just act normal and see if she comes down tonight when she puts the kids to sleep.
But it's a positive step in what i hope will be the right direction for us both.

[JLT1]

Grief: Stage 1. Denial and Isolation...

Sounds about right.  You need to read about the rest of the stages.  The anger phase REALLY sucks.

(5 stages of grief)

Sorry about the downer post.

Hugs,

Jen

[bv5913]

I think you are right Jen.
I managed to get her to agree to come with me and the kids to our neighbours restaurant for a meal they had offered us for when i help them alot at home because they work so hard and long hours. It felt relaxed, but she did not talk too much about anything.
Even when we walked home, there was not much conversation. Time is also a good healer, so maybe that is something else we need, and i can wait a long time, it is not as if i am planning on going anywhere just now.

[bv5913]

After a couple of days of silence, she screamed like hell at me today and wants a divorce. after calming her down. We agreed to live in the same house for now, to support each other with the children.
What surprised me the most, is her admitting to going on a online dating site and looking to meet another man. Well apparently she has decided to start dating again. A bit soon i thought, but i will keep my mouth shut. Maybe she thinks i will be jealous and do what she wants for us to stay together. So i said fine, is that is what she wants, but told her, that if she has met another man, then the man is not welcome here. She is not to bring another man here, and the other man can not knock on the door if they are gonna go out. He can park around the corner and ring her mobile to let her know he is here.
As i own half the car, it is not to be used to go and meet the other man. I might need it for emergencies if something was to happen.
And that she can date, but she has to realise she has to share looking after our kids, and not be out every evening and weekend, and that i too is entitled to have free time on some evenings and weekends.
I did not feel betrayed by her doing this, but i can not let her walk all over me. Sha has agreed for now that she will follow these rules,.
I do not think i was horrible to her, and tried to be reasonable. I did not loose my temper, i wish her hapiness, and if meeting another man will make her happy, then i wish her the best. As for me, i do not think i will be so hastily going out looking for dates. I have to look after myself and the children, and to ensure i can continue to work so i can provide for them.
I feel sad that our marriage has come to an end, but it started dying years ago. And i had low expectations for it to last. In some respect it is a relief that she has finally made a decision, and if she does decide that she wants to remain married then i am willing to try.

[JLT1]

Hugs bv...

Jen

[Alexis2107]

After a couple of days of silence, she screamed like hell at me today and wants a divorce. after calming her down. We agreed to live in the same house for now, to support each other with the children.
What surprised me the most, is her admitting to going on a online dating site and looking to meet another man. Well apparently she has decided to start dating again. A bit soon i thought, but i will keep my mouth shut. Maybe she thinks i will be jealous and do what she wants for us to stay together. So i said fine, is that is what she wants, but told her, that if she has met another man, then the man is not welcome here. She is not to bring another man here, and the other man can not knock on the door if they are gonna go out. He can park around the corner and ring her mobile to let her know he is here.
As i own half the car, it is not to be used to go and meet the other man. I might need it for emergencies if something was to happen.
And that she can date, but she has to realise she has to share looking after our kids, and not be out every evening and weekend, and that i too is entitled to have free time on some evenings and weekends.
I did not feel betrayed by her doing this, but i can not let her walk all over me. Sha has agreed for now that she will follow these rules,.
I do not think i was horrible to her, and tried to be reasonable. I did not loose my temper, i wish her hapiness, and if meeting another man will make her happy, then i wish her the best. As for me, i do not think i will be so hastily going out looking for dates. I have to look after myself and the children, and to ensure i can continue to work so i can provide for them.
I feel sad that our marriage has come to an end, but it started dying years ago. And i had low expectations for it to last. In some respect it is a relief that she has finally made a decision, and if she does decide that she wants to remain married then i am willing to try.

OMG - another jaw drop here --- wow can't believe she can be so insensitive about going online and finding another man.  Just like you said though, if the marriage was on the downhill already I guess can't be too surprising.  You have the courage to come out and that is awesome.  Have you thought through everything? Like, are you going to be a straight woman or be with other women?  Myself, I decided I will be straight but I have already found my fiance' prior to me transitioning.  We been best friends for years and he sees the inner female and always knew it.  He immediately accepted my invitation to be a couple soon as I told him I am transitioning to female. 

I was married once, too, and it went down hill... and I found out she was sleeping with other men and used that as my escape.  Luckily, we didn't have kids, as well, we couldn't as my infertility due to low low testosterone.

[bv5913]

Honestly, i have not thought about who i am going to be attracted to. I leave that to the Hormones. But for most of my life i have been bisexual, so if after a while i still remain bi sexual, then best of both worlds is what i say.
As for my wife being so insensitive. She has always been like that, Today she told me she was working this evening, and an hour later i rang her job, to ask her something about the kids and they told me she was not working this evening. Guess she is out on a date. And to be honest, good luck to her. I wish her hapiness, and if this makes her happy, then so be it. I am doing what i need to do to make myself happy.

[bv5913]

A little update of what has Been happening.
By my own choice, and not wanting to hide my breasts any longer. I have  started my real life experience .
My work was OK . just now we have not come to an agreement on which changing rooms i shall use. So i continue to use the mens. It does not bother me as i have different work times than others.
The wife has applied for a divorce . over here in sweden. IF both parties are in agreement , it can be final very quickly. She is dating, and has kept to our agreement of not having Other men around. And she wants to move out, and i can keep the house. She still does not talk to me too much. But i have the kids to keep me company.