Came out to my sister and she wants to tell my mom

[Emily1996]

I have my interview appointment thingy on the 4th of nov... WHICH SUCKS BECAUSE ITS LITERALLY 4 DAYS AFTER THE DEADLINE FOR EARLY DECISIONS FOR COLLEGE APPLICATIONS! .-. Here goes my little chance of getting into a trans friendly college.

[Julia-Madrid]

Emily, darling, keep strong.  Make the most of both interviews - the world is not conspiring against you

Here's the weird thing about a trans-friendly college:  whichever one you go to, it'll probably be trans-friendly if you want it to be.

Remember what I said about being the actor AND director in the movie of your life...

You're getting closer to it.

xxx
Julia

[ImagineKate]

I have my interview appointment thingy on the 4th of nov... WHICH SUCKS BECAUSE ITS LITERALLY 4 DAYS AFTER THE DEADLINE FOR EARLY DECISIONS FOR COLLEGE APPLICATIONS! .-. Here goes my little chance of getting into a trans friendly college.

I think most of them are trans friendly these days, unless it's like a religious school.

I know it sucks waiting but your safety unfortunately is your 1st priority. If you are homeless, sent back by your mom or worse yet become the victim of an honor killing (or similar) you won't be able to transition. So please just stick it out for now and know that things will be better.

As for expressing your femininity, unless your mom watches your every move like a hawk, you can dress in private. You would have to present male around your mom but it's better than nothing.

[Emily1996]

OK well now I don't have a second to be myself, I'm never home alone anymore, and I can't dress up or wear make up... My sister would tell my mom every time, I try to do that, which means that I can't make videos, and be myself not even a little bit, and I'm getting more and more depressed about this... Also, I don't know right now if I should spend my money with laser hair removal or maybe trying to go to a therapists... I'm helping my mom at her job and she offered to give me 100 dollars every months (Yeah I know it's like nothing) I feel like crying, before I was able to be myself t least for some minutes and now it's just nothing, I'm so sad and I feel even more trapped... Thanks everyone for caring/posting nice comments! You brighten my day 

[ImagineKate]

Here are some suggestions:

Save your money for future transition
Plan on a path. What would be great is if you go away to school so you'll have minimal supervision by your mom and you'll be more or less free to transition.

Dress in little ways. Wear panties. It's not visible outside but it helps knowing you're at least being yourself to some degree. (And do your own laundry!)

Know that eventually you'll be free to be you. I know you want to transition asap but transitioning in your 20s is far from a death sentence. Not only that but with a job, a diploma and independence (most important) you can do whatever you want and no one can stop you.

Don't worry about the videos for now. They will come in time. Your #1 goal is survival so you're able to do the next step.

[Julia-Madrid]

Oh Emily, I do feel for you!  But you will overcome this, so be strong and patient!

Try take your mind to other things... a walk in the park, feeding the ducks... something calm and natural!

Hugs
Julia

[adrian]

Emily, I just wanted to say stay strong and hang on in there, even if it's hard!

What helped me sometimes when I had to wear more feminine clothes (I'm ftm) is a little mind game where I very explicitly labeled this as cross-dressing and stuck to this thought. I know it's not much, but it provided a little comfort for me.

:hugs:

[BreezyB]

This won't be forever Emily. Always remember there will be a time when you will have your own space and your own time. There was a ltime when I had no space to myself. The time I enjoyed the most was as I closed my eyes when lying in bed. I would take myself to a place where it was only me, and I was who I wanted to be. It wasn't much, but it gave me a small amount of peace during a time where things were tough.

And look at the positive of working with your Mum, $100 is better than $50 right, so maybe think about putting it towards something like hair removal.try to do what you can now whilst being covert, be sneaky girlfriend  but don't get yourself in trouble though!

Big hugs Emily, you'll be ok, stay strong and keep your eye on the end game.

[Serena]

THANKS EVERYONE FOR THEIR MESSAGES! YOU REALLY MAKE ME FEEL LOVED AND EVERYONE HERE IS REALLY SUPPORTIVE.

Ok so my mom had one of her crazy attacks against me and I was really scared for my life. I also recorded her voice, etc.. but not the whole thing because I was too scared, I tried to reach to my school counselor I told her that I might become homeless (thank god, I didn't have to tell her anything I'm too ashamed of saying that I'm trans out loud) and she gave me a number from someone of my school district that might help me... but this woman never responded me, maybe its because of the weather here in Buffalo it's snowing like crazy... I think that 4 people died because of the weather! My mom also stole my HRT, wigs (not that it was a good wig, but it was really special to me) and make up from me. I'm so sad and depressed, I don't think I can never make videos until I have the money to get my stuff again, and I really can't order any wigs online because my family is constantly keeping an eye on me and spying me, and no mail can reach me without them knowing what's inside. I loved making videos because it was the only time where I could be myself. This is probably my last video/update.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VN-7jwxMuP4&list=UU03QngdJjdzkJpp8O6LwdIA&index=1

The only nice thing that happened to me is that I BECAME A PERMANENT RESIDENT OF THE USA (I RECEIVED MY GREEN CARD AND SSN, YEEE). So I might actually look for a part-time job.

Oh, I changed my name from Emily to Serena because I don't know I just like it, but I don't know if it will be permanent when I will live full time... My favotire names are: Serena, Emily and Sofia. Even though, I like Serena and Sofia best because they are both Italian and used here in the US, but at this point I probably don't need a name that is both italian and english since my family will leave me alone.

[LordKAT]

I like the name Serena. Sorry your mom is being such a ...problem.