Hello everyone!
First and foremost, I wanted to say that I am glad to have finally come to this website. I have heard a lot of great things about Susan's, but never made an effort to really research anything.
Okay so here goes. My name is Mark, I am 35 years of age and like many I am sure I have never felt quite right in my body. Ever since I was a child around age 4-5 I have felt like something just wasnt quite right. I spent a lot of my childhood as an outcast. Not because of my wanting to become a woman but growing up with ADD not many people really understood me. My parents are avid church goers and the inclination of me becoming a woman has led my family to tell me that they would disown me and even my mother told me that she would mourn the death of her son.
I spent the majority of my childhood in and out of counseling for everything from outbursts, to getting into my mothers clothes. From my parents perspective then and pretty much now there is something mentally wrong with me. Of course I want to keep my family around, but I ask myself, what is worse losing my family or losing myself. I* know that if I begin HRT that I will lose a lot of friends and their respect, but I feel that the ones that tell me that they dont support me really were never friends to begin with.
At 18 I joined the military and spent 10 years active duty. I tried everything that I could to cover up my true feelings from being a man-whore to using steroids. Nothing has worked. I have even attempted suicide three times, one was the closest call when the primer I used in a hand load was apparently bad. Like I said I am 35 now, currently in school to become a Pharmacist, and I am also 6'5. All of these though seem like a reason to not begin transitioning are all really excuses. Its never been about passing so much as wanting to become who I am. For years I have ignored the voice inside of me, but now it is getting so strong that it is becoming hard to ignore.
I don't really know where it is that I am going with this. I am really not that attracted to men. Still though when I look at a woman now, it is more of admiration of what she is wearing or what she is doing, not so much of a sexual attraction. Maybe that is weird. I don't know.
I guess in part I am wondering what will happen if I take that first step and begin HRT. Ill admit the thought scares the ->-bleeped-<- out of me and I am not one to scare very easily. I realize that some feel that God made a mistake of some sort. I being a christian do not believe that God is capable of making a mistake. Though for my inner person I feel like being a male is just wrong for me. I know that the only time it is too late to start is when I am dead. Though at my height, how on earth would anyone accept me for me. I just dont know.
