Would you abandon your transition to have a roof over your head?

[Juliett]

I am homeless and at a complete loss as to what to do with myself.  I've been unemployed for a year and I'm all out of options. The only thing left is to park my car on conservation land and hope hypothermia is pleasant.

If i were to abandon everything Trans and attempt to present male, my mother "MIGHT" let me stay with her if i  begged, but that feels like too high of a price.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! I know the feeling. What do you do for a living?

Hugs, Devlyn

[Megumi]

I'm very sorry that you are in the current situation of being homeless

Right now as unpleasant as it might be, your survival is the most paramount thing to focus on and transitioning needs to come in at a close 2nd to that. Do what you think you need to do in order to get back on your feet but put a plan in place for your goals. Even if you go back to being part time transition wise you can still put a plan in place to get back on track once your financial situation improves to the point where you are in a stable place.

[stephaniec]

my first inclination is to survive

[Jessica Merriman]

I am going through that now. I chose transition over the familiar home I lived in for 25 years. I am lucky though as I have friends who can help until a new one is found. No way I will ever go back to pre transition.

[Brenda E]

I am homeless and at a complete loss as to what to do with myself.  I've been unemployed for a year and I'm all out of options. The only thing left is to park my car on conservation land and hope hypothermia is pleasant.

If i were to abandon everything Trans and attempt to present male, my mother "MIGHT" let me stay with her if i  begged, but that feels like too high of a price.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're in such a bad place right now.

But...

If it's a choice between homelessness (or death, as you imply), then put the transition plans on hold.  Do what you need to do to get a roof over your head, food in your stomach, and a little breathing room while you regroup and make new plans.  While it might seem like you couldn't possibly present as male again, it's time to call your mom and tell her you're thinking about reconsidering.

Your life, safety and health come first.  I know it feels like your gender is of paramount importance and utterly non-negotiable, but putting things on hold - or just pretending to put things on hold - while you regain your footing is not a step backwards or failure.

Sincerely wishing you the best, and please make sure you're safe.

[Newgirl Dani]

Megumi hit it pretty well on the head, even though we sometimes want a different path.  An interesting thing just for reference is Maslow's:  Hierarchy of Needs.  Pyramid based model with levels from food, breathing etc. at the base all the way up to self actualization at the top (shelter is second level up).  Cool thing and an interesting read while in your car. (Just joking, humor from a long time homeless person myself)  Dani

[Athena]

Perhaps talk to a trans group or 2, they might be able to direct you to a safe shelter. 

[Natalie]

The answer is a big fat NO. I would rather die freezing to death than spend 1 second as that fake pile of fecal matter I paraded around as. Winter in a car? Nothing a few wool blankets cannot remedy. There are also homeless shelters and temporary housing, room rentals, etc.

[Monkeymel]

Try to find a support group, and or shelter. Even if it is in another city more trans friendly. Hypothermia is not a pleasant way to go - neither is trying to survive on wilderness foods. If you are not used to camping with a decent four season mummy sleeping bag (or two 2 seasons) them you will loose weight fast keeping warm. Not worth it.

There are many times we have to swallow our pride. Not that we should become willing victims - but such that we might have to seek meetings and discussions even if we suspect we already know the outcome. Good luck

[BreezyB]

Megumi hit it pretty well on the head, even though we sometimes want a different path.  An interesting thing just for reference is Maslow's:  Hierarchy of Needs.  Pyramid based model with levels from food, breathing etc. at the base all the way up to self actualization at the top (shelter is second level up).  Cool thing and an interesting read while in your car. (Just joking, humor from a long time homeless person myself)  Dani

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is a great reference model for any of us. Cave men followed something similar all those years ago. It comes down to if your not eating, well you sure won't have a world you love.
To answer the question though, survival is first, transition second. If it's not there may not be much left to transition. Are there homeless shelters you could try? This won't last forever, just prioritise correctly and work your way up from there.

Look after yourself.
Hugs,
Bree

[Alice Rogers]

You don't have to abandon your transition, you just have to convince your mother you have until you can find somewhere else. Is it really such a high price to pay putting on a pair of baggy androgynous jeans and a tee shirt in order to survive?

Tell her what she needs to hear but don't stop your medical/psychological transition, just minimise the surface evidence for a short while.

Alice
xx

[justpat]

   Adapt and survive---Live for the future, it most certainly will get better. Just find a way to keep up your meds they do become our life blood and I know in my case it would be very hard living without them.

[Zumbagirl]

I am homeless and at a complete loss as to what to do with myself.  I've been unemployed for a year and I'm all out of options. The only thing left is to park my car on conservation land and hope hypothermia is pleasant.

If i were to abandon everything Trans and attempt to present male, my mother "MIGHT" let me stay with her if i  begged, but that feels like too high of a price.

When I first went full time, I told my employer and the very next morning when I went into the office I was terminated "position eliminated" they told me. So that day I filed my name change in court, sent all of the money in the world I had for facial surgery and decided to go for it. When I came back I had the difficult task of finding a job, which isn't easy when one is right in the middle of the transition. I started to wonder after a few months if I had made a mistake or maybe I was just crazy since I was unable to land a job. Things actually started to get pretty bleak near the end and I wondered if I stayed full time if I would end up being an escort girl. So I gave myself a hard stop date and said if I can't find a job and get myself back into polite society, then I would go back to pre-fulltime, and try to transition somewhere else. That was my plan B. But inwardly, I was furious at myself. How could I let those heartless B**tards win? I'm better than that right? I wasn't about to let them win. I wanted to succeed just to prove to my previous employer that I was better than them. I turned up my job search in all directions because I still had some good network contacts I could rely on and who were not judgmental. So I asked to use them as references. You know the old line about 6 degrees of separation right? It only takes one old boss to know another boss who was looking for a skilled person and the next thing I knew I was back at work. Certainly it wasn't an ideal situation and looking back now it was a bit of a sweat shop job, but I did manage to avoid losing the roof over my head and I was able to keep my transition back on track.

[Brenda E]

The answer is a big fat NO. I would rather die freezing to death than spend 1 second as that fake pile of fecal matter I paraded around as. Winter in a car? Nothing a few wool blankets cannot remedy. There are also homeless shelters and temporary housing, room rentals, etc.

I strongly disagree with this advice.  Juliett has a safe, albeit unpleasant option - returning home temporarily - which she should try first.  Living in a car is dangerous (especially in winter, and especially for a female), will lead to continued unemployment, and her transition and life will stall; it's a dead end.  Taking a step back, however demeaning, is always a better option if it gives the opportunity to continue forward again in the future after employment has been found, money has been saved, etc.

Of course, I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who doesn't have dysphoria bad enough that I regularly want to end my life.  Others have far more severe dysphoria, and that may be the most pressing issue to resolve first.

[stephaniec]

I'm a little confused, no job , no money, how can you possibly continue HRT anyway

[traci_k]

Rule #1 is survive. If that means going home, so be it, otherwise a support group or a shelter.

But I'm curious too. I've seen many trans-people homeless and jobless, how do they survive. I would love to transition but I'm the only source of income for my family. If I began transition either I or my wife and son would become homeless, once homeless, how do you find a job and reestablish. I've never been in that position and am clueless. And yes because I choose not to transition, I suffer quite a bit with dysphoria, depression and anxiety, but you do what you need to survive.

Wishing you the best.

Hugs,

[Natalie]

I strongly disagree with this advice.  Juliett has a safe, albeit unpleasant option - returning home temporarily - which she should try first.  Living in a car is dangerous (especially in winter, and especially for a female), will lead to continued unemployment, and her transition and life will stall; it's a dead end.  Taking a step back, however demeaning, is always a better option if it gives the opportunity to continue forward again in the future after employment has been found, money has been saved, etc.

Of course, I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who doesn't have dysphoria bad enough that I regularly want to end my life.  Others have far more severe dysphoria, and that may be the most pressing issue to resolve first.

You are free to disagree with it all you want. This is my opinion based on the question asked. Thus, I would rather freeze to death than spend one second as that fake pile of garbage I used to be...PERIOD. Of course, I had "severe" gender dysphoria to the point I was physically violent with myself since early adolescents. My statement was also about "my life I am using to answer the question" so whether or not you or anyone else disagrees is prattle. Been there and done that! Just because I am well off, educated and have plenty of money today does not change how horrible it was when I first started off. I mean,  I was fired from my job, evicted from my house, and had no place to go and nobody to turn to, but if I had stopped and reverted into that nasty, dirty, gross male "thing" then I would have had some place to go. So, broke, poor, and no place to go I used all my wool blankets to make it through the worse parts of winter here in Washington State (e.g. ice storms, snow, bitterly cold nights) and would do it again and again and again. Stopping was never an option irrespective of how "bad it got."

[Auroramarianna]

I am really really sorry this is happening to you, it must be very very hard. Omg like seriously, nobody deserves to go through this. I don't imagine how I would manage to get out of the situation you're now if I had no place to go. You say there's a chance your mom may accept you in her house if you beg to her, GRAB that chance if you have no other option! Move in with your mother. If that means presenting male, you will have to do it as harsh as it may sound. But survival is top on the list. You need stability, shelter, food, all your basic needs met for you then to start thinking of living your life as you want. But right now you need to SURVIVE this horrible situation you're in that may get worse over time. And after you have more stability in life, you will be able to live as you want without others controlling or holding you back. but right you can't afford to be proud if that means you'll be risking your life and putting yourself in danger. Whatever happens, just know it will get better!

tight hugs and best wishes,
x

[Newgirl Dani]

You are free to disagree with it all you want. This is my opinion based on the question asked. Thus, I would rather freeze to death than spend one second as that fake pile of garbage I used to be...PERIOD. Of course, I had "severe" gender dysphoria to the point I was physically violent with myself since early adolescents. My statement was also about "my life I am using to answer the question" so whether or not you or anyone else disagrees is prattle. Been there and done that! Just because I am well off, educated and have plenty of money today does not change how horrible it was when I first started off. I mean,  I was fired from my job, evicted from my house, and had no place to go and nobody to turn to, but if I had stopped and reverted into that nasty, dirty, gross male "thing" then I would have had some place to go. So, broke, poor, and no place to go I used all my wool blankets to make it through the worse parts of winter here in Washington State (e.g. ice storms, snow, bitterly cold nights) and would do it again and again and again. Stopping was never an option irrespective of how "bad it got."

Upon revisiting this thread it bacame apparent just how sharply my opinion has changed in the two decades since ending my own homelessness.  Natalie's statement at first illicited a negative dialog within myself, but then I began to recall my life of almost 40 years being homeless.  I thought about how easily hrt could be substituted in place of my substance abuse.  There was NEVER a priority above getting loaded.  Compare that to the very deep need to satisfy dysphoria and the equation is balanced.  My original still stands, its just that I was reminded of that totally stark thing that used to be my life.  Dani