Girl trapped in a boy's body, trapped in a girl's body

[ElioAyla]

Today, I feel like a girl trapped in a boy's body trapped in a girl's body. I've felt like this frequently for the past 10 years.

I present as MtF a lot these days, and I think I pass well, and I like how that feels. I play with gender all the time, but it's great when I bind and pack and put on the overdone eye makeup (honestly, i am not sure i know how to do makeup that ISN'T overdone), tight clothes. Then my little chest looks like I'm stuffing my bra. I like that identity. It makes sense to me. A lot more sense than being cis-anything. I don't know. I'm so tired.


I don't think I'm ever gonna figure it out.

[Taka]

a male ->-bleeped-<- in a woman's body. (or do i have to say crossdresser nowadays?)
but that's only a part of what i really feel, and still an inaccurate description of it all.

[Kaelin]

^ Eddie Izzard wears the label with pride, and CD is a confounded term in its own right.  If people can reclaim queer, I think you can reclaim TV.

[Taka]

nice. i'm a part time ->-bleeped-<- then.
no idea how much of the time, but a whole lot of it.
most of my clothes aren't unisex or no-gender, so... a very whole lot of my time is spent as a ->-bleeped-<-.

and most ridiculously, people don't even realize.

[ElioAyla]

I feel like I am getting away with something when I dress up like a woman and go to job interviews. (Like right now, for instance. Makeup on and everything) They really believe they are talking to a female! Sometimes it makes me excited, while other times it makes me nervous and anxious.

When dressing up all the time, though, it begins to feel like a big sham, not to mention that I have to cover up my tattoos as well. So I am almost acting in my role as a professional. Just a face I plaster on for other people, not my own. And that's when it gets depressing.

I just wish I could be accepted for the tattooed, androgynous, spacey, nomadic tribalist, sideshow freak that I truly am.
In a tribal setting, I feel fine. I am the shaman, the medicine (wo)man and the storyteller. I am always a shapeshifter.

My hands are shaking now. Maybe I shouldn't have had that energy drink with my morning adderall. *Deep breaths*

And then when it comes down to dressing that way each day for a job, I just get this almost unbearable desire to turn to my coworker/"boss" and say, "You realize that I'm actually a guy, right?"

[Taka]

i don't try to look like anything other than a female, even when wearing male clothing. means i wear a bra rather than a binder, too lazy for those. but i also have my funny haircut which usually has an unnatural color, and is much fluffier and curlier.

instead of telling people that i am really some sort of trans, i do weird things like mentioning how some online friend recommended slavic women for marriage, since i'm kinda single and not really enjoying it. in conversations with coworkers, about different odd things.

i don't think that will affect the security of my job though. it an interesting community where what others call supernatural is considered part of nature, and taken seriously by many. i can't be much weirder than all the psychics and troubled souls that visit my boss's office. and it seems people have accepted that, so...

[Nicodeme]

I usually find that my sense of wrongness resonates more like it does with transfeminine people, and while I share an assigned sex and difficulty with my gender with transmasculine people, I don't quite relate. But I derive no excitement from presenting like a woman. There's no titillating secret about it. I'm kind of burnt out with the genderbending thing. :/

[ElioAyla]

i don't try to look like anything other than a female, even when wearing male clothing. means i wear a bra rather than a binder, too lazy for those. but i also have my funny haircut which usually has an unnatural color, and is much fluffier and curlier.

instead of telling people that i am really some sort of trans, i do weird things like mentioning how some online friend recommended slavic women for marriage, since i'm kinda single and not really enjoying it. in conversations with coworkers, about different odd things.

i don't think that will affect the security of my job though. it an interesting community where what others call supernatural is considered part of nature, and taken seriously by many. i can't be much weirder than all the psychics and troubled souls that visit my boss's office. and it seems people have accepted that, so...

Your work sounds incredibly amazing. I'm actually following a shamanistic path that is more or less impossible for me to ignore, but it's been a solo journey most of the way. Imagining working around people with minds that open is awesome just to think about, to be honest. What field of work is this, if you don't mind me asking?

I usually find that my sense of wrongness resonates more like it does with transfeminine people, and while I share an assigned sex and difficulty with my gender with transmasculine people, I don't quite relate. But I derive no excitement from presenting like a woman. There's no titillating secret about it. I'm kind of burnt out with the genderbending thing. :/

I feel you on that. I'm just now going into the genderbending thing though, so it's all fresh and alive for me. It's one of the only parts of my identity that I am beginning to fully explore. It's all part of the process, I suppose. 

[Taka]

i think my field of work is something like, uh... public administration? or whatever it is called in english.
just doing projects for the local government, things they haven't handled at all in the past, and the public have been waiting for for years.

it's fun, interesting, tiring, frustrating. but i have great colleagues. i get to complain when nothing is going my way and both the people and the system keep holding back my work.
and my boss has a huge network of people who deal with the other side of reality.
he's the resident healer too, everybody goes to him if they got some odd problem. like a worker who complains about a haunting. or people being people in negative ways. even just for talking about how this system and the politicians keep failing to work together and are instead in a constant war. not a cold one, discussions get heated and fists have been raised in town hall.

[JulieBlair]

You guys are so much fun to read, that it makes me want to compile your musings for a film.  I got lost, found my way back, and got lost again in, what was it eight posts?  Thank you bunches

Love to you,
Julie

[Taka]

that would be an interesting film. starts with too much confusion, continues with solutios that just dissolve into an end which is no end at all, with even more questions unanswered than at the beginning?

would anyone want to watch that if they knew how it ends?

[Stella Stanhope]

Wow! Why am I not on this particular forum more??! I tend to find that the   m,MTF forums are very binary (which of course I have no problem with, whatsoever), it makes me feel quite ashamed of being non-binary, like I'm one-a-billion and therefore highly isolated and ultimately irrelevant and broken. It's not the greatest motivator. My identity doesn't make any logical sense, and therefore its hard to want to "own" and express an identity that's a minority in a minority within a minority. Being genderqueer/gender fluid is the Inception of gender identity.

I just wish I could be accepted for the tattooed, androgynous, spacey, nomadic tribalist, sideshow freak that I truly am.
In a tribal setting, I feel fine. I am the shaman, the medicine (wo)man and the storyteller. I am always a shapeshifter.

I REALLY wish I could be this open and hell-yeah about owning, being proud and confident of such an identity, that's some seriously progressive and positive attitude!

This sort of identity is one that the NHS seems to have major trouble with. You're either meant to be male to female or female to male, and be the expected version of those two very distinct choices. Its interesting isn't it? Vast populations of cis women are adopting male names, male dress and male customs, there's this massive exodus away from femininity and towards masculinity, and yet apparently transwomen and non-binary individuals on the female end of the spectrum have to conform to "women: V2. circa 1990" Weird.

I wonder if its the same for transmen and those non-binaries on the male end of the spectrum? It would be even crazier if it was just as bad.

"Girl trapped in a boy's body, trapped in a girl's body" this seems to sum me up quite well. If I was a cis girl, I'd definitely be one of those androgynous types, I'd wear men's suits a lot, and enjoy the ambiguity of my presentation. But as I;m genetically a guy, I'd need to get to the female form in order to be able to present as I'd like to. It may sound like an identity within an identity within an identity, but actually its very simple: In order to present as you wish, first you need achieve the form you wish. Binary MTF and FTM don't have the extra station on the line to stop at, they have to simply head from A to B, not A to B to get to C.

[Taka]

it's just as bad on the male end. there are so many ridiculous rules to being ftm, i think it's frustrating to many.
so you like to wear makeup? then why don't you just revert to that cute girl you used to be...
seems lile guys can't like pink either, so we're really at this 3-4yo stage, where little kids usually learn there is a difference, and overdo the conforming and segregation thing. statistics show that's the only age when all boys hate pink and girls only want that color.

we're basically being treated like preschool kids who don't know what's best for ourselves.

[BeemoX]

Yeah Yeah Yeah that's me kinda I think maybe?
Well, maybe.
I feel like I'm doing algebra reading this all.
Like, gender-squared to the nth degree.
I'm AMAB and identify more as ftm than mtf,
And fluid/ all around queer.
But yeah.
Thanks for sharing.

[ElioAyla]

it's just as bad on the male end. there are so many ridiculous rules to being ftm, i think it's frustrating to many.
so you like to wear makeup? then why don't you just revert to that cute girl you used to be...
seems lile guys can't like pink either, so we're really at this 3-4yo stage, where little kids usually learn there is a difference, and overdo the conforming and segregation thing. statistics show that's the only age when all boys hate pink and girls only want that color.

we're basically being treated like preschool kids who don't know what's best for ourselves.

I like makeup sometimes.....but not every day. Lately I feel like it's suffocating me.

[Taka]

what about it suffocates you then?
the makeup, the wish to wear it, the fear of invalidation by shrinks, family, or society?
or that your liking it is rare?

[Satinjoy]

Authenticity and truth, lack of boxes and freedom found, true to self and feeling and the design of the unique you that is beauty and truth.  Never let it be taken from you, by rules, by peers, by deception, by anyone.

Be as you feel, do not force, find the authentic. Show the diamond core of who you truly are, celebrate the core of Nonbinary freedom and live in the real..

Nails out heart freed

Blessings

Satinjoy