I hate my life

Valleyrie · November 04, 2014, 03:01:33 AM

Hey everyone I haven't posted here in quite a long time, I've been feeling very unmotivated for the past couple of months and haven't really been feeling that well (as always). I want to curse and everything so bad I'm just so frustrated but I'll try my best to refrain from doing that.

I feel so incompetent and like I'm not meant for this world. I've been out of school for about 2 years now. I have no idea what I'm going to do next year or if I'll do anything at all. My options are quite limited. I can either return to school which isn't something my therapist recommends or I can do a course which is about an hour and a half away. At first I was happy to do the travel but after being assaulted on the train a while ago I hate taking it even more than I used to to the point I don't take it anymore.

I feel so alone in this world, I've literally never had a true friend. I feel so different towards everyone and I'm full of hate. I admitted myself into hospital a few months ago because things were getting so bad I didn't feel safe with myself anymore. I've been feeling a bit better since then although I had another suicidal episode about a week ago but it only lasted for about a day. I hate what I am so damn much. Why must I deal with all this? My whole life has been nothing but misery and I'm not even exaggerating that. There's always been problems in my life and nothing is ever good yet alone okay.

I can't help but feel so hopeless and helpless to my situation. The future seems so bleak and empty (assuming I even have one). I'd like to have a girlfriend but how am I ever possibly going to find another girl who's accepting of me? I'm so useless I could go on forever about how pathetic I am. Even when I'm not feeling that depressed I see no point in life. I have so much hate built up inside me and I doubt it'll go away. I hate so many things - from people to society to myself to everything!

I hate looking in the mirror and seeing a damn guy all the time. I'm so self-concious all the time. There's never a single second where I can just take a break from all this. I want to cry so bad but I can't... why can't I just be normal? Why can't I be content with who I am? I'm constantly tired and drained of energy even if I sleep properly. I want to give up so badly but it's so freaking hard. I wish I could just die in my sleep.

I live in a really big family and we aren't well off so we don't have much money for me to do things for my transition. I don't even know if my parents would be able to afford a course for me. I can't get a job because of how ****ed up I am. So where does that leave me? I've had chronic severe depression and social anxiety for about 6 years now and ever since coming to the realisation I'm transgender it just added even more crap into my life. I'm not even that old but I already feel like there's nothing to look forward to and that it'll stay like this forever.

Next year my 2 years with my psychologist expires and I won't be able to see her anymore unless I go private but I can't really afford that. That's at the start of next year and I still don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like I'll be without the constant support I've been getting in a time I really need it. I haven't told my psychologist this but she's like a friend to me but I know we can't be friends because of the way therapy works. I mean, I'm okay with it being that way but she's like the best friend I've ever had (that sounds so stupid >.<). She's one of the few people I like and get along with really well. I wish I could find a friend like her one day. It'd just be really different and hard without her.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm more than thankful for the mental health support I'm able to receive for free because of where I live and that I'll be able to start hrt next year but I can't help but feel this way.

I would honestly love to kill myself so I don't have to deal with none of this but it's not easy. I don't know what to do and I'm so damn stressed right now. I just want to isolate myself and not do anything anymore.

Ms Grace · November 04, 2014, 03:25:23 AM

Hugs hon,
I'm glad you took steps to keep yourself safe.

It sounds like you feel you are in a bad place, I've been there too many years ago and really understand how awful it felt. The thing i realised was that I had pretty much put myself in that place and it was up to me, and me alone, to get myself out of there. If I hated other people, why would they want to like to me? If I hated myself how I could expect anyone to love me? If I couldn't accept myself for who I was, warts and all, how could I expect anyone else to?

I know it sounds like a New Age homily, but love and acceptance does start with ourself. And it is a lot easier to do than we realise. When we stop blaming others for our problems, stop feeling like we're a "failure" and start looking for small but practical ways to dig ourselves out of misery and hopelessness then we can control our own life.

It doesn't happen in a few days, weeks or even months but in time you can get stronger, take disappointments and move on, to live your life in a fulfilled way.

I'm sorry you are losing your therapist, but hopefully she has given you ways to cope with roadblocks and the slings and arrows of life. Once you can be in control of your own life then believe me you won't hate it.

mrs izzy · November 04, 2014, 05:58:10 AM

Valleyrie

I relate. Was there years ago.

Truly not a fun place to spend ones life.

Tools and a plan is my suggestion.

Tools you have to keep yourself in a safe place and a.

Plan of the foundation you will lay for that you need to make for a solid life.

Take the time and think more of what I can and want in life.

Social economic is hard, do not be scared to ask for social help plans for financial or health.

Build your tool box with strong coping tools and get to work on a life plan.

It's not as bad as the fears make it.

Hugs

stephaniec · November 04, 2014, 10:18:10 AM

try telling your therapist how you feel, maybe she can find some options for therapy

gabimoneratt · November 04, 2014, 02:59:36 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this :/ but you need to change your way of thinking... You're pathetic simply because you are going through a tough time? Don't be this hard on yourself :/ when I came back from my year of exchange I was so, but so lost. I found out about myself there... It was the first time I could stop and piece my life together and it was pretty hard. A different country, in a different family's house, and it was very fresh. I'm Brazilian and I was very much aware of the hate crime rate against LGBT people here. Now it's 1 every 26 hours simply because of homo/transphobia. It all made me want to go study in a different country, I considered Canada, but the overall price was just way too high. I didn't get in the University that I wanted when I came back, I spent about a year inside my house, only going to the psychologist once a week and my psychiatrist that took care of my transition once every 3 months. It was dark then, I just couldn't deal with living presenting as a boy and I had suicidal thoughts... I felt pretty useless inside a house for a year, but I went to a course to retake the uni entrance exam and I got an appointment to get a rhinoplasty done. Started taking hormones months after and I just knew I had to move forward. Went full time and things just started working

that same week I passed in a good uni, had my last appointment before the surgery and by Monday I started classes.
You just have to aim at happiness and fulfillment. Stop judging yourself and start thinking of things that can help you get out of this situation. Take baby steps if needed, but move forward. You gotta be strong and fight it. I thought no one would want me, that I would make an ugly girl, but it just so happens that nowadays I get hit on quite a bit. And I'm one of the best students in my class... Situations change, things change

and there are many different people in the world that like different kinds of people, not everyone is straight, not everyone is gay, not everyone is into skinny, some are into fat... Why wouldn't a girl date you? I bet you'll find not only one, but many

I'm sorry you went through the assault situation :/ some people are just brainless...
Go to a psychiatrist if you can and get treated. Anxiety and depression are real diseases, and it can help you so much!
I truly believe you can get past these issues and be really successful ^___^
Wish you the best

Valleyrie · November 05, 2014, 06:10:45 PM

Sometimes I feel like a lost cause because of how I am. Like I've even told my therapist this that sometimes I don't want to get better. I feel like letting it take me over because of how much I hate things. I get so angry and hateful about a lot of things that I don't even want to exist anymore. I stop taking my anti-depressants sometimes to make myself feel worse and try push me over the edge (wtf is wrong with me?). I hate the way I think, I'm so stubborn and always challenging my thoughts about everything (literally) and siding with the negative ones.

I feel like people should just give up on me but I don't really show these feelings in real life. The only way I can express them is through writing and I usually show my therapist them to give her a better understanding of the way I feel. I do appreciate all the comments, I'm just feeling so overwhelmed right now. ;\ I've really been trying hard to battle my demons but I'm just silenced at every corner. I feel like too much of a negative person to be around people. I have a hard time expressing myself because all that there is to express is hate and anger towards everything and who wants to be around someone like that? I don't know what to do...

MelissaAnn · November 05, 2014, 11:29:41 PM

Valerie,
it's really interesting how we let the negative side win over the positive sometimes I think it's because we find it easier to accept the negative things, then it is to accept the positive. I do think you do need to keep on your prescribed medications in the long run they will help you to feel better. It is always easier to jump into a hole than it is to climb out, climbing out requires small steps. There has to be something in your life that's positive and you build on that one step at a time. It's a slow and arduous process, but a very effective one. Whenever I have a negative thought come into my mind. I try very hard to replace it with something that's positive. It sounds simplistic, but it does work. I wish you nothing but the joy and happiness that you deserve. And maybe angels always look upon you and guide you on your path.

Hugs,

Melissa Ann

Valleyrie · November 06, 2014, 07:53:07 PM

Thanks Melissa, I really appreciate it and can agree too. I am on my anti-depressants at the moment it's just sometimes I give up and stop taking them but they do help.

I sort of had an idea pop into my head. Instead of going back to school or doing a course I think I might try get a full-time job to fund my surgeries/transition. It will probably take me 2 years to do but I think I have the will power to push through it. I did it back in school so I think I can do it again and maybe have an easier time coping. I plan to get GRS and go to Yeson's one day as my genitals, voice and Adam's apple are what cause most of my dysphoria. It sort of sucks because I'd like do something I love but I just can't live like this. Any thoughts on this?

gabimoneratt · November 06, 2014, 08:24:59 PM

If dysphoria is what is holding you back from living you gotta get that out of the way

take things slowly, 2 years isn't a bad time frame, it'll go by pretty fast

If you feel like working is the best option, then get to work girl.

use your motivation to transition as a goal and it'll help you succeed and stay on the same path. Try to not beat yourself down, understand that we all have some limitations and do your best to work around them, keep in mind what you will get down that road.
While you can't get rid of your sources of dysphoria, try dealing with them as best as you can, try changing your focus into something good, and keep telling yourself every day that passes by you're a day closer to getting rid of those issues

Valleyrie · November 07, 2014, 05:12:33 AM

I feel so scared of my future, there are so many unknowns and it's all so stressful to think about. I know I'm still young but is this really the path I want to take? I could do a part-time course and get a part-time job at the same time but then I'd have to wait even longer. I just want to fit in like any other girl. ;( I have some appointments scheduled with a social worker who helps with careers/jobs and a teacher to look into other things so hopefully I can gain something useful out of that. I'm leaning more towards getting a job but it's still very overwhelming to think about. ;\

Emmaline · November 07, 2014, 05:50:21 AM

Life, no matter if you are trans or not, is full of unknowns hon. Lots of pleasant things in that unknown though. You never know, and that's part of the fun of life.

Big hugs.

Have you got a support network you can fall back on? Friends you can talk to, places where you can stay?

BreezyB · November 07, 2014, 06:02:44 AM

Giving you a big hug Valleyrie

sometimes we at least need that.

You know, so many of the girls, and the boys here have been or are still in a similar place. I know I've been there and I know it's not pleasant. But I learnt something, and the hard way unfortunately. How I look at the world is how the world looks at me. If I hate my life, I found the world would hate me back. It was like looking in a mirror, you frown, and sure enough someone is frowning back at you.

Now how many times I sat with a Psychologist and she spoke to me about the power of positive talk. Hmm, how I never listened too. But it's true. The more I told myself I was ugly, the more I told myself I was useless, the more those things were true and eventuates in real life.

I use to put everyone else before myself, even my children. But one day it occured to me, if I wasn't ok, or I wasn't happy, well sure as hell those around me won't be happy. So I started putting myself as number 1 in my life. Along with that I started believing that I was responsible for my destiny in life, no body else. So if things weren't working out, I only had myself to hold accountable.

This one simple thing is what is lacking when a teenage leaves school. We often think we are deserving of something, a bit like the world owes us something. Well it doesn't. And the minute we see that, that's the time when we really start performing in life.

I know it's hard, and it's good that you can recognise when you need help, but when you are standing firm back on your feet, this is the time when you can really make a difference, to your life, and to the lives of others.

Valleyrie · November 07, 2014, 03:56:43 PM

I do have a support network and a place to stay, I just have a really hard time being open with my family (and most people for that matter). I haven't even changed my voice around them and they're all accepting and I've been out for a while now. I know I have to be more positive but it's hard to be optimistic in my situation. I don't really think I deserve anything to be honest or that anyone/thing owes me anything. I'd love to be a psychologist but where I live you need to have completed year 12 and I'm not sure if I can handle school again.

Ms Grace · November 07, 2014, 03:59:42 PM

You deserve to have a fulfilling life.

gabimoneratt · November 07, 2014, 04:15:47 PM

Hey, as you said yourself, you're still young

you gotta move forward, regardless if it is getting a part time job or not, working or studying, etc. You can always change it if you think it's not the right path or that you'd rather do this or that

panicking and worrying too much will only stop you from going anywhere... Then you're just wasting time. It's better to try one of the options, if it works, great, if it doesn't, next. This way you're moving forward. Overthinking makes us become our worst enemies
Sit down and write down the good and the bad of each decision, each path you can take. Then decide which one you think is the best and give it a try(and I mean it. Stick to it for at least 3-4 months... When we overthink we start panicking and wanna leave everything before we even give it a try and end up sabotaging ourselves. I, for example, almost dropped out of uni in the first month because of name issues and because I felt like everyone was judging me. Just so happened that that was quite a stretch from reality... A lot of people didn't even know I was trans lol again, the whole issue of overthinking)
If you really do wanna become a psychologist and do feel passionate about it, go follow your dream

we all have to go through school and I know how much it sucks... But don't sabotage yourself

if that's what it takes, try your best and I bet you'll get there

You'll be fine

just try to relax and take it all day by day.

Alex Eli · November 07, 2014, 07:33:25 PM

i was in a similar position 2 years ago.. i had left school and eventually forced care in a hospital and everything, no social life.

but then i decided, that since i may aswell could've kill myself right there on the spot i decided to give myself a chance, and i could never hurt my family like that.

now i have finished school (you can get special help) and i will soon go on HRT. basically i promised myself its gonna be all or nothing.

i was ready to go but its much harder to stay alive, but in the end its gonna be worth it im sure.

cindianna_jones · November 07, 2014, 08:47:38 PM

It really sucks doesn't it? I get it. I never had a really true friend until after my transition. All through school, everyone liked me well enough, but I was never invited to a party or had a close friend or anything. I think it's part of who we are. We can't trust ourselves, how could we ever trust someone else? We hate ourselves, so how could we ever learn to like someone else?

Hang in there. You CAN get through this.

Chin up!

Valleyrie · November 07, 2014, 09:00:29 PM

Thanks for all the replies, I really appreciate them. I'd give a more proper response but I'm feeling really sad and lonely right now. I wish I could cry... ;(

News:

I hate my life

cindianna_jones