Self isolation? And how to avoid it?

[Bunter]

I'm keeping this short because it's late:
I'm an outgoing, open person and I've never had problems meeting people or talking to strangers. But over the years, the trans issues have caused me to isolate myself.
I have seen that behaviour in friends who barely leave the house (even if they pass well). But I never imagined that it could turn out like that for me too. I just keep to myself mostly. This has been aggravated by living and working in a more conservative environment. But it started even when I was in a living in a gayborhood where I was mostly out.

What do you do to counteract this?

[mrs izzy]

You need to find a local support system that will give you reasons to get out.

Depression and isolation is a huge problem that can be overcome through support and confidence.

Talk with you therapist or GP with maybe done extra support therapy.

Hugs, day at a time.

[Edge]

I used to have trouble with agoraphobia. In my case, it turns out that I have a much easier time leaving the house when my home is a safe place which sounds backwards, but I really did have more trouble before. Other than that, the best way to combat it is just keep going out. Find excuses to. If it gets uncomfortable, then retreat back home, but if you keep at it, it'll get easier. Just don't push yourself too hard or be too hard on yourself if you have to retreat so long as you try again.

[Rachel]

Group is a safe place. Perhaps in group  you could ask to see if anyone want to get a coffee or walk a strip of stores for interesting items.

[gennee]

Support groups are good. I meet twice monthly with a trans women's group and it has been truly wonderful.

[Taka]

all feelings are illusions created by chemicals in your brain.
self isolation and fear of going out there to meet people, is cause by a chemical imbalance.
things will get easier if you learn techniques to fight the imbalance, as well as ignore the psychological effect it has on you.
just be careful to stop the experiment before you suffer a panic attack, that will only make the problem worse.

some good ways to correct the imbalance, if only a little are to...
eat right (less sugar, gluten, lactose, caffeine, more vegetables and good nutrients. no alcohol, or only small amounts)
get enough sleep (particularly going to bed earlier, like at 10-11 pm)
work out (or just going for a walk alone, away from other people)
stop slouching. pull back your shoulders, push out your chest (pretending to be invulnerable makes you feel less vulnerable. it really does)
breathe (particularly good when panic is upon you or you can't sleep. start with filling your stomach, then your chest. breathe in and out equally slowly. focus only on breathing. learning yoga would be good)
push yourself to talk to people (experiencing that they don't kill you will make it harder to believe in your own fears)
(the list is based on personal and friends' experience)

and see a therapist if you can. cognitive behavioral therapy might be good for you in this case.


oh, i was forgetting the most important thing.
social isolation is most easily fought by getting a hobby and doing it together with other people.
that's a great way of getting new friends.

[Misato]

Finding people with like interests helps. I used meetup.com to meet people with like interests to mine. Worked out well.

I imagine support groups would be good for finding other trans people. I found support groups kind of useless myself between the people who used it for their social hour and the remaining people who were dealing with things like getting on disability.

Really for me getting out simply came down to setting my mind to going out and playing.

[Bunter]

Thank you all for your advise.
To clarify- I don't have depression or social anxiety. I just noticed that keeping a secret isolates me. I avoid situations where people could ask too many questions (at work and so on). So I never join them for after work stuff. It's as if the secret keeping in one area becomes a habit that affects all areas of life, or something. It's more like a bad habit.

[Sephirah]

Let me ask you a question, hon, because it sounds like fear is making you a prisoner in your own mind.

What are you scared of with regard to this secret?

[Tessa James]

socializing does require some effort.  Yup, we do have to get off the couch or back away form these computers and meet the mean streets of life.  Really tho they are not so tough.  We have a local trans group in our rural area and have a night out for socializing but we chat all the time.  I love my girlfriends partly because we can talk trans till the cows come home and enjoy it without overloading our spouses and cis friends with our obsessive banter.  We need friends and community to be whole and as a reality check too.  Who else is going to love hearing about your latest victory in fashion or legal world?

Just do it

[Taka]

i socialize a lot at work. it's not difficult at all, as we have lots more to talk about than trans, and end up discussing so many interesting things that people hardly bat an eye at any weirdness i display.
i might end up coming out to some colleagues, depending on whether i can transition.

[Bunter]

I'm not afraid, I've just made the experience that coming out in this part of the wood results in people thinking I'm nuts/weird/etc. and they start treating me differently. So at work, I don't do that. The same is with random straight acquaintances. I don't see why I should come out to such people. It's just not productive.
But being trans and queer is such a big part of my biography that I constantly have to manage what I tell and don't tell, and that exhausts me, so I start avoiding such situations. Also, I don't feel comfortable with people like that when I have to second guess how they would think about me if the knew the whole story. It alienates me from people in general. 
I understand why that happens, but I can see where it leads to if I don't stop it in some way.
I'd really like to hear from others who have similar experiences. It's more the subtle changes of behaviour, something like corrosion, not the big fears (I'm passing as cis, so to speak, so people have no idea).
It's basically the mental effects that being in the closet has.

[Bunter]

I've found this text about the longterm effects of being in the closet:

http://outservemag.com/2013/03/impacts-of-nondisclosure/

""I have said to you to speak the truth is a painful thing. To be forced to tell lies is much worse."
– Oscar Wilde"

"Keeping one's orientation secret has the additional impact of denying part of a person's character to others, making it difficult to fully integrate with peers. If a person is out of the closet to some people but not others, it leads to a "double life" effect and isolation from the groups and people not in the know."

"The impacts of nondisclosure don't apply only to the individual in the closet; it can have a significant impact on the people they associate with, too. Failing to share one's life with friends and colleagues can lead to uncertainty, mistrust and emotional distance between the closeted individual and his or her peers. For example, it is quite normal in the workplace for colleagues to have some knowledge about each other's personal lives. While there is no absolute requirement to share this information, it can be critical to trust, networking, mentoring relationships and friendships. "

"For example, I was on a training course with a friend who was in the closet. The members in the course forged a close group, but in a number of instances, this friend isolated himself from the rest of us for the sake of his hidden social life. He repeatedly left us feeling distanced and mistrusted by avoiding our social interactions, to the point that many in the course gave up on including him. "

"Keeping a personal secret places substantial and concerning strain on an individual. Sexual orientation is a significant part of one's identity: who we love is part of our humanity and is often taken for granted in the heteronormative society we live in. Staying in the closet means keeping a part of that humanity separate, and it is well documented that keeping a secret of this magnitude often leads to anxiety and stress. "

This is pretty much what I'm talking about.

[Taka]

the only real problem i have, is explaining how i ended up the lone caretaker of my daughter.
and what went wrong with the other parent.
when talking to people i only know online who have no idea about my life history.

i do make an effort to avoid lies, so some things will remain unexplained.
would be so difficult if not for the few who know me properly.
being out to some is such a relief.

with a male voice and chest, i probably wouldn't have any problems telling odd stories that don't fit with a cis male narrative, after having established myself as a guy in some social community. but i would tell my life story a little differently than "i was born as a girl". i'd tell people just the same things i tell here, everybody though i was a girl when i was little, but as it turns out, i'm actually not that at all.

[Bunter]

Brilliant artwork, Taka!

I came out as trans more than 20 yrs ago, so there's a bit more in my case that I have to hide.

It's also the longterm accumulation that is the problem, where over several years I have seen this creeping in, and me pulling back a little more after every bad experience. It's not something that I noticed during the first years. I have no moral problems with being in the closet or whatever. But it really takes a toll when it goes on that long.