Morning self-doubt

[VivianK]

In spite of the fact that I feel like I've reached full acceptance of my transgender identity, I still can't seem to cope with mornings, upon waking, when I invariably feel my least feminine and attractive.  For the past couple of months, as I rapidly approach the start of HRT, I wake up feeling an awful sense of dread.  I'm flooded with all the standard worries about acceptance from others, passing, finances, relationships, that I'm just obsessive and delusional, and that I'll regret starting transition, etc.  After an hour or so of being awake, these concerns slip to the back of my mind, and I feel confident in my resolve and that things will work auspiciously given enough time.  I'm not really sure what I'm asking here...  just, someone please tell me they've experienced this and it went away after they started HRT.  Tell me that it's just my testosterone whispering through the morning haze that's clouding my judgement.  Having those doubts is still one of the worst emotional experiences I can imagine, even if it is only for a tiny fraction of the day.  I desperately want it to stop.

[Jade_404]

I ran into this video while looking for MTF makeup tips. Transgender Feminization Hypnosis .

I don't feel like I am the hypnotizable kind of person, but I have listened to this when I am feeling too much male and it makes me feel better. If I wake up grumpy (I come off as male when grumpy) I listen to this. I copied the audio into a mp3 so I can just run it on my iPhone with out video. Reading thru the youtube comments, apparently many people love this video and say it helps with transition and with the wait. It may be worth checking out. Hope it helps.

Love,
Jade

[ZoeWillCode]

I wish I could say I knew what it was like to be past this, but I can absolutely relate. I'm going to be starting HRT, myself, and I feel like there's two things going on for me. One is the fear of change that comes with any big life decision (the last time I decided to move to a new city with no friends or associates, I was concerned about what the future held, too). The other is the change itself, if that makes any sense. I've had a routine for years... wake up, get a cup of coffee, feed the animals, take a shower, shave, get dressed.

The logical part of me knows that, as I just described it, there actually wouldn't be any substantive changes. But, there are subtle changes creeping in. I'm going to be doing laser hair removal, so I won't be shaving my face, anymore. I'm going to be taking hormones, so my body is going to look and feel different. They're changes I want, but they're also changes that disrupt what's normal, to me, and that makes me question all of it. I think eventually, though, I'll find a new normal.

At least, I hope so.

[Athena]

I think anyone that has concerns about their looks feel like they could give shrek a run for his money in the morning. Also mornings suck!

[suzifrommd]

In spite of the fact that I feel like I've reached full acceptance of my transgender identity, I still can't seem to cope with mornings, upon waking, when I invariably feel my least feminine and attractive. 

Welcome to womanhood Vivian. Most women in most places, cis or trans, young, midlife, or old, feels unattractive when they get up in the morning. What you're experiencing puts you squarely in the same category of billions of other women.

So when you're getting this feeling, can you tell yourself that it's all part of being a woman?

[PoeticHeart]

I've been at this for some time now. I've come out to those that I think it matters to be out with. I'm living my life with a totally different attitude, and you wanna know the funny part? Somedays, I feel like I'm still at day one; like I'm still that scared girl that wasn't so sure of herself. Ultimately, I think doubt is a part of dysphoria -- whatever that may look like for you. Dysphoria is, by definition, a sense of being uneasy or miserable. The tricky part isn't getting rid of the doubts, because they'll probably be around for a while. The tricky part is trying to find a way to navigate these emotions and move on with your day. At least, that's been the case for me.

I hope things get better for you!

[Abby Claire]

I'm only a few days on HRT, but I'm kind of noticing a difference (not sure if it's attributed to hormones though). I wake up happy and excited to take my pills, whereas before I dreaded waking up and usually wished I was dead. I just don't know if it's the hormones or just a sense of optimism now that I'm fully on my way.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Vivian

I think that the months leading up to HRT are complex.  These are the months where you are  still asking yourself whether this is the right decision, and it has major existential ramifications.  You probably have a lot of things whirling about your head at the moment, which is par for the course, and when you are in that waking and starting-the-day phase they may all crowd back into your conscious mind.

Once you start HRT you will probably find that some of these doubts and concerns will diminish and then vanish.  Some of this may be due to the changes to your emotional state due to the hormones, but a bigger part may relate to finally being truly on your way forward. 

Seriously, although you are finding these morning issues unnerving, I think it demonstrates that you are taking the risks and implications seriously, which is a good thing.  If the sense of dread is very strong however, you should speak to a professional about it.

Julia

[Jessica Merriman]

Pre HRT I hated mornings with a passion. Now after being full time 10 months and on HRT 9 months I kind of like them now. I think I look the best fresh out of bed with no makeup, etc. It is hard to describe I just feel normal and kind of sexy being in a natural state. It is the true me and I like what I see now. You will get there!