Hi again good people!
Ok, i am back from therapy, and i have a lot of mixed feelings.
She was a nice lady, and with hit the tone right away.
This is how it went:
She asked questions about how i felt during growing up. I told her i have been jealous of the girls since elementary school. Seeing them develop, express their emotions in a "broader" way and being able to wear prettier clothes. I told her i had a metal style growing up with long black hair. She took this as an indicator for androgyne visual expression. Still i have developed an very masculine walk, body language, and even an inhibition to use any cosmetic product in public (including chapstick and moisturizer). I told her i am defer from most social situations and is very unsecure, and she said that was typical for MTF. I told her how i wish to be a girl every time i see a shooting star, blow out a candle, or daydreaming about a genie. I told her i kept myself busy by constantly having a girlfriend since 15, and pursuing school with all my energy. And how i now have worked for one year, and feel without motivation.
She asked me about my hobbies, and assured me that paintball and diving aren't such masculine hobbies.
She asked about my sexual preferences, and i told her that since 14-15 of age i have sexualized being a woman. During 16-17 i discovered transsexuals and was at first intrigued by the possibilities, and that there was such a thing as hormones and GRS. But i soon started mastrubating watching post op pornography exlusively. I told her that i have difficulties to focus when i am home alone, as i have the urge to mastrubate frequently. I told her that i have cross dressed every time i have had an opportunity (which is few due to my constant girlfriends), both sexually and for relaxation.
She asked me how i feel now. I said that after attending a carpenter conference a month ago with my brother i was hit really hard by dysphoria. Since then i had trouble functioning at work, and socially. I feel distant from the world. All i can think about is how time is running out to do something about it.
She then started giving my advise to good stylists in the area, and where to buy clothes for tall women. She told me that i should go bank sperm as soon as possible, and that she wanted to start me on Finasteride to stop my hair loss. She also gave me a form to give to my local doctor to take blood tests. She told me that she wanted to see some sort of RLE before prescribing hormones. Our next session should be when i had banked sperm, and came to get the Finasteride.
Aftermath:
At first i was happy. We said goodbye, and i left. It then occurred to me that she was very encouraging and supportive, and not critical. Then the insecurities came back. So am i a transsexual then? Was she not going to diagnose me? If she did diagnose me in that short amount of time (two hours), did i actually get all of the facts out there? Did she just trust me?
When i came home it worsened. My girlfriend introduced a theory that linked my problems the last month as a "job burn out". The last year i have worked in a very stressful high performing environment, and this could possibly be true. (Edit: meaning i could possibly go back to coping with the more normal level of dysphoria)
My conclusion:
I need more therapy, but not with the initial therapist/doctor. Also i maybe need to consider changing job, or take a period off, to see if my feelings stay consistent.
Any Thoughts?
